Astarion: *glancing at Karlach before turning towards the camera like in The Office* I’m dating someone who actually likes me and I’ve never been more terrified in my life.
Wyll and Astarion sit in camp, chatting while eating. Gale approaches them awkwardly and even more awkwardly he sits down next to them. A loud sigh leaves the wizards lips.
Gale: Alright, no inquiries. I need you to kill me.
Wyll: Wat.
Astarion: Done.
From seemingly nowhere, Astarion pulls out a crossbow. He points it at Gale’s face and pulls the trigger. At the same time, Wyll thrusts his hand out and pushes the crossbow up. The bolt flys half an inch above Gale’s head. He doesn’t even flinch.
Wyll: Apologies, but I must ask: why?
Astarion: *in the process of reloading the crossbow* That’s rude. He said no questions. Why should we pry?
Wyll: I need more than a request to end a friend’s life.
Astarion: Good thing then that I see him as an acquaintance.
Astarion takes aim again and pulls the trigger. Once again, Wyll interferes. He pushes the crossbow to side as the mechanism fires. The bolt this time flies to side, almost grazing Gale’s cheek. Still, Gale doesn’t even acknowledge it.
Gale: …alright, I suppose you should know.
Wyll and Astarion stop wrestling over the crossbow and look at Gale.
Gale: I will try to be as reticent as possible. I was…having a rather profound conversation with Tav. And I thought it was going…in a direction. A physical one. An intimately physical one.
Wyll and Astarion nod.
Gale: Well, the prospect made me…excited. Very excited. And it had been a…time since my last encounter of such a nature.
Wyll and Astarion are not blinking.
Gale: The conversation was going well. Very well. Too well, it seems. I was in such a state, and then…Tav touched my shoulder. And I was very excited, as you recall and I…I…my wand went off in my trousers.
Wyll: *restraining himself* Pardon…?
Gale: My dragon…breathed fire before I was ready…
Astarion: *losing the battle to restrain himself* Would you…be more clear?
Gale: I jizzed my pants.
Wyll snorts. Astarion guffaws. It is several moments before the pair can control themselves again. Gale sits silently, staring blankly ahead as they laugh.
Wyll: Apologies. Apologies. I *snort* I don’t mean to laugh.
Astarion: I shall never again be able to look you in the eye.
Gale: Now, you understand.
Wyll: Does…does Tav know?
Gale: I made a noise and excused myself. I’m not sure.
From the other side of camp, Karlach roars with laughter.
Astarion: Karlach knows.
Wyll has to wrestle the crossbow out of Gale’s hands.
I’m sorry, I thought of this, laughed and now y’all have to deal with it.
Saw a comic, thought of them.
Astarion is arguing with someone.
Astarion: …and fuck you! Karlach, make me tall and glorious!
Karlach sighs and grabs the back of Astarion’s shirt. She lifts him so he looms above the person he is arguing with.
Astarion crosses his arms and stares down.
Decided to add a visual element.
Pencil of paper by me.
Saw this quote on a shirt and I knew I had to use it.
Karlach: *looking at Astarion* Damn, I really wanna nut in him but I have a coochie.
A modern AU. It’s Karlach’s turn to take her to the bus stop.
I don’t have a name for her but I believe it would be something sun related.
Doodle by me. I needed this out of my system.
Edit:
Did a follow up featuring Astarion
I saw this exchange on twitter and I knew what must be done.
I would like to thank @princesskuragina for the inspiration.
Karlach suddenly bursts into the room Astarion is in.
Karlach: Quick! We need to fuck and then I have break up with you.
Astarion: *blinking* …why?
Karlach: So I can put the final nail in your coffin! *finger guns*
Astarion: …
Karlach: Get it? Cause you’re a vampire…?
Astarion: …
Karlach: *sweating nervously* And because it would be the final…nailing…it-it’s a metaphor…
Astarion: …
Three minutes later…
The citizen’s of Baldur’s Gate watch Karlach helplessly pound on the door to her house.
Karlach: Darling! Please open the door! I don’t wanna break it down! I’m sorry for my crime against the common tongue!
Astarion annoys other people. Karlach annoys Astarion. At least that’s how I view their relationship.
This came to me at the tail end of workout listening to a certain song.
Might be from the tail end of a fic I probably will never write.
Astarion sits in the middle of a field. Basking in the rays of the setting sun. His eyes are closed.
Karlach: *taking a seat next to him* I thought you’d want to keep your eyes open for the light show.
Astarion: *smiling* Can’t stare too long, darling. *turns to her and opens his eyes, revealing their silver color* It’ll damage my sight.
Karlach: *chuckling* Wouldn’t want to hurt those precious pearls.
They sit in silence for a moment, enjoying the last of the sun’s warmth.
Karlach: So…*begins to fidget* …what are you doing with rest of your life?
Astarion: *laughs* Darling, I don’t even know what I’m doing tonight!
Karlach: Can I be there?
Astarion: What?
Karlach: Tonight. Whatever you’re doing. Can I be there?
Astarion: Of course.
Karlach: …and tomorrow?
Astarion stares at Karlach. The Tiefling stares into the distance, away from Astarion. He gently lays his hand on hers.
Astarion: Yes.
Karlach: And after?
Astarion: For as long as you want.
Karlach: *grabbing hold of his hand* And if I want to be there forever?
Astarion: That would…that would make me very happy.
Karlach: *laughing* It fucking better.
Astarion is tackled to ground. The sun, the stars, the moon, the very ground they lay on forgotten as the two lovers lose themselves in each other.