Random Fandom Stuff.

Wyll and Astarion sit in camp, chatting while eating. Gale approaches them awkwardly and even more awkwardly he sits down next to them. A loud sigh leaves the wizards lips.

Gale: Alright, no inquiries. I need you to kill me.

Wyll: Wat.

Astarion: Done.

From seemingly nowhere, Astarion pulls out a crossbow. He points it at Gale’s face and pulls the trigger. At the same time, Wyll thrusts his hand out and pushes the crossbow up. The bolt flys half an inch above Gale’s head. He doesn’t even flinch.

Wyll: Apologies, but I must ask: why?

Astarion: *in the process of reloading the crossbow* That’s rude. He said no questions. Why should we pry?

Wyll: I need more than a request to end a friend’s life.

Astarion: Good thing then that I see him as an acquaintance.

Astarion takes aim again and pulls the trigger. Once again, Wyll interferes. He pushes the crossbow to side as the mechanism fires. The bolt this time flies to side, almost grazing Gale’s cheek. Still, Gale doesn’t even acknowledge it.

Gale: …alright, I suppose you should know.

Wyll and Astarion stop wrestling over the crossbow and look at Gale.

Gale: I will try to be as reticent as possible. I was…having a rather profound conversation with Tav. And I thought it was going…in a direction. A physical one. An intimately physical one.

Wyll and Astarion nod.

Gale: Well, the prospect made me…excited. Very excited. And it had been a…time since my last encounter of such a nature.

Wyll and Astarion are not blinking.

Gale: The conversation was going well. Very well. Too well, it seems. I was in such a state, and then…Tav touched my shoulder. And I was very excited, as you recall and I…I…my wand went off in my trousers.

Wyll: *restraining himself* Pardon…?

Gale: My dragon…breathed fire before I was ready…

Astarion: *losing the battle to restrain himself* Would you…be more clear?

Gale: I jizzed my pants.

Wyll snorts. Astarion guffaws. It is several moments before the pair can control themselves again. Gale sits silently, staring blankly ahead as they laugh.

Wyll: Apologies. Apologies. I *snort* I don’t mean to laugh.

Astarion: I shall never again be able to look you in the eye.

Gale: Now, you understand.

Wyll: Does…does Tav know?

Gale: I made a noise and excused myself. I’m not sure.

From the other side of camp, Karlach roars with laughter.

Astarion: Karlach knows.

Wyll has to wrestle the crossbow out of Gale’s hands.

I’m sorry, I thought of this, laughed and now y’all have to deal with it.

Saw a comic, thought of them.

Astarion is arguing with someone.

Astarion: …and fuck you! Karlach, make me tall and glorious!

Karlach sighs and grabs the back of Astarion’s shirt. She lifts him so he looms above the person he is arguing with.

Astarion crosses his arms and stares down.

Decided to add a visual element.

Pencil of paper by me.

Astarion: I’ve come up with a romantic poem!

Karlach: *look of genuine excitement*

Gale: *look of genuine despair*

Astarion: *kneeling in front of Karlach* She is beauty, she is grace, she will punch you in the face!

Gale: That…is, absolutely, ter-

Karlach: TERRIFIC!!! I didn’t know you had such a way with words!

Despair and disgust dance across Gale’s face as he watches the pair fawn over each other.

Why can’t you show your affection to someone while causing severe mental harm to another person? Isn’t that what we all want?

I saw this exchange on twitter and I knew what must be done.

I would like to thank @princesskuragina for the inspiration.

Karlach suddenly bursts into the room Astarion is in.

Karlach: Quick! We need to fuck and then I have break up with you.

Astarion: *blinking* …why?

Karlach: So I can put the final nail in your coffin! *finger guns*

Astarion: …

Karlach: Get it? Cause you’re a vampire…?

Astarion: …

Karlach: *sweating nervously* And because it would be the final…nailing…it-it’s a metaphor…

Astarion: …

Three minutes later…

The citizen’s of Baldur’s Gate watch Karlach helplessly pound on the door to her house.

Karlach: Darling! Please open the door! I don’t wanna break it down! I’m sorry for my crime against the common tongue!

Astarion annoys other people. Karlach annoys Astarion. At least that’s how I view their relationship.

Astarion drops his quill on the ground. He begins to bend over to pick it up before stopping himself. He checks his left and right. He turns around and checks behind him.

Perception Check (Failed)

Feeling content that he was safe, he bent over to pick up the quill. The second his butt was higher than his head, she arrived. Smashing through a wall, the giant, red figured closed the distance between them in less than a second. Her right arm was raised, her palm and fingers a flat plane.

Astarion had a heartbeat to contemplate what was going on before Karlach’s hand slapped into his behind. Such was her strength, that he was launched like a missile into the stone wall in front of him. His head crashed through the masonry but his shoulders stopped him.

Karlach: I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry!!! I finally got the jump on you and got too excited.

Astarion: *muffled* It’s fine, darling. Please, just get me out.

Ass-slapping is an essential part of healthy relationship. Just do it with consent and remember: playfully not painfully.

Shadowheart is showing off her homestead to Karlach. She opens the door to what looks like a pantry.

Shadowheart: And this is where we keep our crystals.

Karlach: Sweet! You and Tav do a lot of alchemy?

Shadowheart: Some. But I like to use them manifest energies.

Karlach: Like magic?

Shadowheart: Some do. But I mean emotions. Peace. Happiness.

Karlach: Rocks can do that?

Shadowheart: Under the right circumstances.

Karlach: …is there one to manifest getting railed?

Shadowheart: …

Karlach: …

Shadowheart: *grabs some Raw Carnelian Stone and puts it in a pouch before handing it to Karlach*

Karlach: *grasps the bag firmly in both hands and concentrates really hard*

Shadowheart: *chuckling* That’s not how it—

Just then Tav and Astarion walk in from the outside.

Karlach: *looking at Astarion with a big beaming smile* Holy shit! It works!

Astarion and Karlach destroyed the guest room bed.

Shadowheart is a crystal girl, trust me.

In the hells…

Astarion: Darling, I’d love to go with your informant but you are a terrible judge of character.

Karlach: That’s low. Care to explain before I pinch your pointy mouth closed?

Astarion: I’ll also prove that I’m a better judge as well.

Karlach: Bet!

Astarion: I chose you. You chose me.

Karlach: …

Astarion: *incredibly smug smile*

Wyll: …he’s got a point.

Mizora: It’s true.

Wyll: Mizora, fuck off you annoying, turbo-cunt.

Mizora: But I’m bored.

I love them all.

Edit: Visual representation of Karlach’s face. Inspired by @sailorgundam308

Crap, I deleted this post accidentally. Let’s see if I remember the wording.

Tav: WIFEY!

Shadowheart barely has anytime to react before being tackled to the ground by her spouse.

Karlach: *looking at Astarion expectantly* You could do that. You know, if ya want.

Astarion: *looking up from his pedicure and sighing* Anything for you, darling. *gets up and moves to the other side of the room*

Karlach: *really happy* Don’t forget to yell “WIFEY!”

Astarion: *deep sigh* Of course. *breaks into a full sprint* WIFEY!

Astarion crashes into Karlach and bounces off of her as if made of rubber. He hits the ground with a loud crash. He dies instantly.

Karlach: …I guess I shouldn’t have planted my feet.

Thankfully, Shadowheart was there to revivify him.

Astarion: I’m full of rage and dangerously stupid but my giant, barbarian girlfriend is holding me back by the scruff of my neck like a kitten.

Karlach: *half annoyed, half amused face*

Saw a tweet and immediately thought of them.

Karlach: *to Astarion* lmao get loved loser get absolutely fukken treasured

What if Karlach raged, but instead of anger it’s affection?

Astarion just minding his business. Sitting and reading a book or something.

Suddenly, the door to the room he’s in flys off its hinges with a loud bang. It crashes through the window and Karlach passes through the now doorless threshold.

Karlach: *growling* You…

Astarion: *gulps* Yes, Darling?

Karlach: I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!

Astarion: …sorry?

Karlach: YOU ARE MY JOY!!! I’M SO HAPPY WE’RE TOGETHER!!!

Astarion: As am I.

Karlach: *grasps the back rest of the chair on either side Astarion’s head, clearly straining to contain herself* Fuck me…

Astarion: Will I die?

Karlach: Probably.

Astarion: Hmmmmm…okay.

They destroyed the house.

In the hells…

Astarion: Since you don’t have a heart and we can’t return until you get one, I got you this. *reveals the still beating and bleeding heart of a Cambion*

Wyll: That’s not how it works-

Karlach: *on the verge of tears* Oh my stars! Darling! Thank you!

Wyll: No. You can’t…can you?

Astarion: I’m sure there’s a surgeon crazy enough in the hells somewhere.

Wyll: That is not a…wait. Hells, give me a moment. Don’t go anywhere. *pulls out a cellphone and quickly dials in a number* Mizora. *phone chatter* No, I’m not calling to apologize to you sadistic, mega-bitch.

Karlach: Mizora’s liable to put a bomb in my chest. We need to kidnap a surgeon.

Wyll: NO! *phone chatter* No, that wasn’t for you. *phone chatter* It doesn’t matter who I’m with. *phone chatter* I’m calling to ask a hypothetical question. *phone chatter* Why does it matter what I’m wearing?!

Wyll turns around as a furious argument begins. Astarion nudges Karlach and points in the direction of a hell fortress in the distance. She smiles and they both sneak off.

Several moments later…

Wyll: …GO FUCK YOURSELF, MIZORA!!! *angry phone chatter* I’m not going to fuck you myself! *hits end call and turns around* Alright, in a very roundabout way she confirmed it may be possible to…

Wyll stared at the empty fields of Hell in front of him. His two companions nowwhere in sight. In the distance screams and pompous, maniacal laughter emanate from a hell fortress. With a long, defeated sigh the Blade of Avernus charges after his companions.

Without some supervision, I believe Karlach and Astarion have exactly one brain cell. That they constantly misplace.

I would like to thank Wyll for acting as the straight (comedic duo archetype) man in this scenario.

Edit: Also, I imagine Mizora as a total loser girl when not on screen. A mess that doesn’t know where her underwear is.

Karlach: We have to watch for mind goblins!

Astarion: What is a mind goblin?

Karlach: Mind goblin deez nuts! *pelvic thrust*

This happens during their romance. Honest.

I’m sorry, but this is the only way this made sense to me.

Tav: Bisexuals! What is your wisdom?

Shadowheart: World cold and hard.

Halsin: My titties soft and warm…

Karlach: WATCH NARUTO!

This is it. This is the ship.

Funny little what if. So, on one side Dame Aylin and Isobel, a tall, angry Aasimar Paladin and her Selunite Wife. On the other side, my Tav, a tall, angry Tiefling Paladin and his (newly-again) Selunite Wife.

They get around the discussing their wives…

Wyll: What is going on?!

Tav flys past will, crashing into a wall back first. A half second later Aylin smashes into Tav, sending both him and her through the wall. Blow after blow is heard inside the shadows of the hole in the wall before Aylin comes flying out and lands in the dirt.

Tav steps out, bloodied but with a fire in his glowing eyes. Spitting blood on the floor, he charges Aylin who rises to meet the attack.

Astarion: *sitting on makeshift bleachers with a “Go Tav!” Ball cap on* They are having a most riveting debate.

Wyll: They’re trying to kill each other. *watches as Aylin drop kicks Tav in the stomach only for the Tiefling to grab both her legs and spin her around several times before sending her flying quite a distance*

Karlach: *standing next to Astarion, cheering with two foam hands marked with “Tav #1” on them* GO TAV!!!

Wyll: What are they even debating?!

Gale: *wearing a “I Hope Everyone Has Fun” shirt* I do believe it was whoever has the best wife.

Wyll looks further down the bleachers and cringes as he sees an Isobel and Shadowheart sitting in a blackened aura of what could only be embarrassment.

Lae’zel: You! Go for the wings! You! Go for the tail! GRIND THEM UNDER YOUR HEEL!!!

Wyll: Who is she cheering for?

Astarion: Ahhhh, death.

Wyll: Of course. And why is she here?! *points at Orin*

Orin waves and smiles.

Astarion: She sensed a good time and came over.

Wyll: WHY DID YOU LET HER?!

Astarion: She brought drinks, darling.

Wyll: …*watching Tav put Aylin in a full armbar only to then get bit in the leg* How long have they been at this?

Gale: Three hours, I think?

Wyll: *gives up and takes a seat next to Astarion* Three gold on Tav.

The Battle of The Two Angry Paladins with Outsider Ancestry Debating who had the best Magic Moon Wife ended in the most anime bullshit way possible. By the mutual final punch double KO. It was said the battle ravaged their bodies. The Magic Moon wives did nothing to ease their pain and in fact left them in the dirt for the next day.

Scratch thought they were hanging so he just laid down next to them.

A bit long but thank you for indulging me. Just realized the parallels between my main Tav and Dame Aylin. So this little what if happened.