Random Fandom Stuff.

I recently came across the saying:

“When you think you’ve hit rock bottom, but now you want to fuck a blonde guy.”

As a blonde guy this made me laugh. Also, made me think of my “canon” BG3 playthrough, where my Tav was a Half-Elf Warlock. A blonde guy warlock who romanced Shadowheart.

Just imagine it. Shadowheart is on this impossible quest from her Goddess. Everyone else in her original group is dead. She can’t remember anything. She’s got an alien worm in her brain. Lae’zel is there.

The only thing keeping her together is her desperate and blind faith. And even that begins to falter. And this blonde asshole shows up and makes her all hot and bothered.

It’s almost too much.

Please ignore my misspelling of Eldritch Blast.

Another of my Bored at Work series. Pencil on Paper.

This was the dialogue option, right? It’s been a while.

Has this been done before? Please let me know.

Astarion and Karlach are sitting curled on a couch. Astarion is reading a book. Karlach is resting her head on his lap.

Karlach: I’m bored.

Astarion: *not looking away from his book* …and?

Karlach: And, I need suggestions.

Astarion: Why am I responsible for your entertainment?

Karlach: You’re not buuuuuut you’re gonna help me because you love me, darling.

Astarion: *staring straight ahead in annoyance, brows furrowed*

Karlach: *shit eating grin*

Astarion: You could go to the Elfsong and get into a fight. You still have two strikes.

Karlach: Saving those for a special occasion.

Astarion: Rumors have started of slavers operating in the sewers.

Karlach: That’s sounds good but that’s a project. Probably, two-three weeks just to get started. I’ll start that Monday. I need something more for an afternoon.

Astarion: Oh, I don’t know! Can you…*struggles for a moment before throwing his hands up in frustration*…sit on my face?!

Karlach: Sure.

Astarion: …

Karlach: *wicked grin*

Astarion: …A-are you just saying you can? Like, you are capable of…that. Or…will you?

Karlach: *slowly, seductively licks her lips*

Sometime later…

Tav and Shadowheart’s homestead.

Tav: By the Gods!

Shadowheart: *running in from the next room* What is it? What happened?

Tav: We’re needed in Baldur’s Gate. Astarion’s neck is broken.

Shadowheart: How did that happen?!

Tav: According the sending spell…Karlach. With her ass.

Shadowheart: …

Tav: The last two words look like Astarion’s handwriting. All they say is : “Worth it”.

Shadowheart: *raises an eyebrow*

Tav: She sat on his face. *makes a circling gesture with his hand around his face*

Shadowheart: He’s lucky to be alive if that’s true. I’ll send word to Halsin so he can watch after the animals.

Tav: Right. Good…by the way. Wooooouuuuld that be something you would be interested in? You on me?

Shadowheart: *looking at Tav in disbelief* Are you serious? You ask this now?

Tav: Seemed on topic.

Shadowheart: Astarion could be crippled.

Tav: He seemed accepting of his lot and in high spirits from what he wrote.

Shadowheart: *pinching the bridge of her nose* Fine. After we get back for healing our friend.

Tav: The moonlight is but a pale imitation of your beauty and magnanimity.

Shadowheart: Stop the blasphemy and get the teleportation scroll. Now.

Tav: Mercy, I beg. My trousers have gotten rather snug since the start of this conversation.

Shadowheart: Not my fault, not my problem.

They make it to Baldur’s Gate. Upon their arrival Tav immediately high fives a grinning Astarion and embarrassed Karlach.

This one kinda got away from me. Inspired by a real life conversation I had with my wife. As always, this is a sex positive place.

This came to me in the shower.

Now you have to suffer too. My current RPG Obsession’s.

I think I have a type.

In camp, Minthara is furiously choking the life out of Tav. Tav has THE smuggest smile on his face as his windpipe is crushed.

Wyll: Why?

Shadowheart: *not looking up from her book* Minthara called him ‘my love’ out loud in the last battle. You know, when that Steel Watchmen exploded in his face.

Wyll: …and?

Shadowheart: And he didn’t let her forget.

Wyll: She’s actually killing him.

Shadowheart: *still not looking up from her book but holding up a Revivify scroll* He planned for that.

A resounding crack announces that Tav has shuffled off the mortal coil.

Hey, girlbosses get embarrassed too.

One Revivify scroll later…

Shadowheart: Have you learned your lesson?

Tav: Nope! *tosses Shadowheart another Revivify scroll* Oh, Minthara! Your love is back among the living!

Tav is immediately elbow dropped.

Pre-Selunite Shadowheart try’s really hard to be a Shar worshipper. Too hard, maybe.

Tav: What is Shadowheart doing?

Lae’zel: Tchk! This is part of her worship, I assume. She drank a bottle of wine and declared war on her Goddess’s enemy.

Shadowheart: *drunkenly* FALL DOWN, YOU BITCH!!! *throws a rock at the full moon but loses her balance and falls over. A moment later soft snoring is heard from her prone form*

Lae’zel: Her ways are strange and very stupid.

Astarion: I suppose you’re wondering why I called you here.

Tav and Aylin stand before Astarion, arms crossed. Per Astarion’s request, they are in their workout clothes.

Aylin: Speak, spawn. You keep me from my beloved and the warmth of her arms.

Tav: You’re really horny, you know that?

Aylin: Spend a century trapped in darkness with naught but pain and despair as your companions. See how much you can resist the object of your desires then.

Tav: Fair.

Astarion: I called you here because I need you to teach me wrestling.

The Tiefling (6’6 without the horns) and Aasimar (6’7 without the wings) stare at the hundred and fifty pound elf. The pair of brick shithouses share a glance.

Tav: That…doesn’t really seem like your style.

Astarion: This isn’t for fighting.

Aylin: Are you mocking us, spawn?

Astarion: I am serious, darling.

Tav: Then why?

Astarion: Because I want to be on top from time to time!

The three of them turn to the other end of the field. Karlach (6’8 without the horn) is twirling, Shadowheart and Isobel hanging from either arm. They all laugh merrily.

The Paladins each grasp Astarion’s shoulder.

Tav: We understand.

Aylin: We will aid you as best we can.

After many grueling weeks of training, Astarion finally got to be on top. Because he asked.

More Domestic Tav x Shadowheart stuff.

Wyll: Why is Tav wrestling a deer?

Shadowheart: *not looking up from her book* His Oath. He needs to avenge something to maintain it. That deer has been tearing up our vegetable garden.

Wyll: And that counts?

Shadowheart: So far. Last month a nest of wasps stung Scratch and I. Tav swore vengeance. Worked.

Wyll: *watching Tav suplex the buck into submission* Whatever keeps the blade sharp, I suppose.

Imagining a most Angry Paladin settling down to quiet life is funny.

Also, I firmly believe Shadowheart would troll her lover/spouse constantly.

Shadowheart: Just know, I’ve become an animal in bed.

Five Minutes Later…

Shadowheart: *laying in bed in her stomach, cuddled up to Scratch, six cats and a possum* Pet me and give me food.

Visual representation of Tav maintaining his oath:

Shadowheart is showing off her homestead to Karlach. She opens the door to what looks like a pantry.

Shadowheart: And this is where we keep our crystals.

Karlach: Sweet! You and Tav do a lot of alchemy?

Shadowheart: Some. But I like to use them manifest energies.

Karlach: Like magic?

Shadowheart: Some do. But I mean emotions. Peace. Happiness.

Karlach: Rocks can do that?

Shadowheart: Under the right circumstances.

Karlach: …is there one to manifest getting railed?

Shadowheart: …

Karlach: …

Shadowheart: *grabs some Raw Carnelian Stone and puts it in a pouch before handing it to Karlach*

Karlach: *grasps the bag firmly in both hands and concentrates really hard*

Shadowheart: *chuckling* That’s not how it—

Just then Tav and Astarion walk in from the outside.

Karlach: *looking at Astarion with a big beaming smile* Holy shit! It works!

Astarion and Karlach destroyed the guest room bed.

Shadowheart is a crystal girl, trust me.

Big Baldur’s Gate 3 spoilers. If no like, no READ!

Okay, so…

If you save Shadowheart parents and go to the afterparty she mentions her father’s love of dad jokes.

I imagine there’s a lot of catching up after all dark times.

It’s really wholesome but it reminded me of the greatest bisexual dad joke of all time.

Shadowheart: …do you understand?

Arnell: So, you’re bisexual.

Shadowheart: Correct.

Arnell: You are attracted to men and women.

Shadowheart: Yes.

Arnell: One question.

Shadowheart: Go ahead.

Arnell: So, if you aren’t in a relationship with anyone does that mean you’re on stand-bi?

Shadowheart: …

Arnell: *shit eating grin*

Shadowheart: …Did you just…?

I know we can argue that Shadowheart and everyone else is pan but for the sake of the joke, she’s bi.

Crap, I deleted this post accidentally. Let’s see if I remember the wording.

Tav: WIFEY!

Shadowheart barely has anytime to react before being tackled to the ground by her spouse.

Karlach: *looking at Astarion expectantly* You could do that. You know, if ya want.

Astarion: *looking up from his pedicure and sighing* Anything for you, darling. *gets up and moves to the other side of the room*

Karlach: *really happy* Don’t forget to yell “WIFEY!”

Astarion: *deep sigh* Of course. *breaks into a full sprint* WIFEY!

Astarion crashes into Karlach and bounces off of her as if made of rubber. He hits the ground with a loud crash. He dies instantly.

Karlach: …I guess I shouldn’t have planted my feet.

Thankfully, Shadowheart was there to revivify him.

I love Selunite Shadowheart’s ending.

A happy life in a homestead full of animals.

Though after her life under Shar’s influence I imagine she might go a little overboard.

For example:

Shadowheart: I got us a puppy!

Tav: You literally went out for mugwort!

Shadowheart: But she’s so cute!

Tav: We have seventeen dogs!

Or

Tav: Where did you get all those scratches? Was it the owlbear?

Shadowheart: *thinks about the family of raccoons that she promised not to try to tame that she was trying to tame* I’m having an affair.

Partially inspired by real life.