Another bit of smut. This time featuring my Drow Tav, named Xarran, and Minthara.
I hope I portrayed Minthara well.
The party camp during a long rest.
Karlach: What are the two most important holes on my body?
Astarion: *looks at her quizzically before glancing down*
Karlach: Not those, you sicko! It’s my nostrils. They allow me to breath while I suck on your di-
Gale: DINNER’S READY!!!
Karlach would totally say this joke.
A little self-insert fan-fiction headcanon.
I imagine that Karlach loves stories but dislikes reading. So, she asks Astarion to read them for her.
So, every night in bed, he reads her a chapter or two of the current book she is reading. Romance. Mystery. Spicy Romantasy. He gets into it too. Does the voices. Tries to be as dramatic as possible.
Inspired by my wife. An ADHD-haver. She loves stories but has a hard time reading. So, her solution is audio books.
When she has no audio book, she uses me.
Karlach can say she’s read plenty of books with Astarion’s help. Keep Gale’s face from melting off.
Karlach: Can you do me as a favor?
Astarion: You mean “do you a favor”?
Karlach: No. I mean blow my back out.
Not sure if accurate to Fae’run but Lae’zel being introduced to pizza.
Lae’zel: *walking into camp from Baldur’s Gare with a pizza box* I have acquired the Peez-Zah.
Tav: It’s actually pronounced ‘pizza’
Lae’zel: Am I learned in the common tongue of Fae’run and that is not how it is spelled.
Tav: Yeah, I don’t get it either. But wait until you taste it.
Lae’zel: They say the delicacies of Tu’narath outshine those of all other worlds, all other planes. I doubt this slop could even come close to comparing.
Tav: *with an irritated look, shoves a slice in her mouth*
Lae’zel: *absolutely indignant but needs to take a bite to speak. She takes a bite and stops. Her pupils narrow then dilate*
Tav: Lae’zel?
Lae’zel: *very firmly grasping Tav’s shoulders* More.
Tav: *gingerly holds up the slice she had already bitten into*
Lae’zel: *shoves the entire slice into her mouth, chewing vigorously. A smile stretches across her face* How is this possible? Another thing the False Queen hides from us no doubt.
Tav: *gulps* It gets better.
Lae’zel: *turns to Tav quickly* How?
Tav: *holds up a bottle of ranch dressing* I’m gonna need you to not lose your shit.
Lae’zel totally lost her shit. They went out and got three more pizza’s with various toppings.
Lae’zel: What foul madness cursed a person to think pineapple can go on a Peez-Zah!
Tav: Not how you say it.
Lae’zel: *ignoring Tav* And why does it work so well!?!?! This world makes no sense!
Pineapple does go on pizza. There. I said it. Definitely based on the fact Lae’zel’s voice actor recently discovered ranch dressing.
After Wyll’s transformation.
Tav: *internally* Don’tsayitdon’tsayitdon’tsayit…
Wyll: Greetings.
Tav: WHY SO HORNY, WYLL?!?!?!?
Wyll: …
Tav: …
Wyll: You held out as long as you could, didn’t you?
Tav: Yeah. Sorry.
Larian, please make this a dialogue option.
Somebody: *pointing at Astarion* Your boyfriend bit me!
Karlach: I’m sorry! He’s a rescue!
Has this been done before?
Gale, Wyll: She Believed…
Astarion, Shadowheart: He Lied.
Lae’zel, Karlach: Sbeve!
This is my addition to the BG3 fandom, showing my age and my lack of being funny.
As a guy that had a desire for genuine affection for most of my life before getting together with my wife, I really feel the Karlach/Astarion relationship.
The absolute genuine enthusiasm Karlach shows for the relationship must be such a strange thing for Astarion to process. Especially how excitedly she confesses her feelings. She bursts. She can’t contain herself any longer. For him. For the relationship.
She’s love starved too. I’m sure there’s the thought going through Astarion’s head.
“She’s just going after the first person that shows her anything remotely positive…”
But she has options. Shadowheart has a clear attraction to her. Wyll is a great guy, willing to defy the devil with a literal hold on his soul for her. Lae’zel would bone her immediately, the burning probably turning her on.
Yet, in their romance, it’s him. He’s the object of her desires. This loving, ball of sunshine choose the pit of despair as her lover.
And the fact that as much of a hornball as Karlach is, if Astarion chooses to not pursue a physical relationship, she respects that. Her love for him is that genuine. It’s beautiful.
This ship seemed so random when I first heard of it but the more I explore it, the more it makes sense.
EDIT: It helps the real life parallels that my wife is a flippin’ furnace. Radiates heat like a space heater.