it burns me and nobody else

They actually prefer to draft New Year’s resolutions on each other’s behalf. Like so:

I resolve to stop interrupting punches aimed at other people with my face.

I resolve to let my husband who is a grown adult and also my BOSS decide for himself how much pizza is appropriate to eat.  

I resolve not to rupture any internal organs.

I resolve to stop siccing Lieutenant Chapel and her ice robot hands on innocent patients just because they’re a little tiny barely noticeable seven-and-a-half-months late for their annual.

I resolve to keep all my teeth firmly rooted in my jaws where they belong.

I resolve to wear that green sweater more.