The Hetalia "Cell Block Tango" AU/Scenario

This idea left my brain last saturday and, as usual, has already completely spun out of control two days later. Much thanks to Riva (@fireandiceland) for their open ear and grandiose input, all of the following bullshit would not have been possible without them.

This is essentially an update to this post about a "Cell Block Tango" Performance for Hetalia ships that at some point could be construed as partner exercising foreign rule over the other. We've talked about it as a show that the countries put on for fun, so it's not really an AU. We're here to be horny and have fun, not to be dramatic and edgy, okay. (Or at least not "actual murder" dramatic).

Here's the list of the couples and their corresponding parts that we settled on. (I'll use the names of the characters from "Chicago" & their iconic little cue).

Liz/Pop - SuFin, with Tino as Liz. The ship was Riva's suggestion and I like them for this part not only because the triviality of the murder motive suits their domestic vibe, but the violent solution fits Tino's wilder/more darker side that sleeps under that friendly exterior.

Annie/Six - Spamano, with Lovino as Annie. Look, Riva agreed that loose lover Antonio seems plausible, I think poisoning is a good way to murder for Lovino and I also. Really. Just love the image of the "deathkiss" and then Lovino kicking Antonio two meters across the stage. And I am sure that Antonio feels the same way as I do.

June/Squish - DenNor, with Lukas as June. I mostly settled on them because I can see Matthias be somewhat possessive and I can see him thoroughly excited for the choreography. (Maybe also for the fact that he gets to wear no shirt). Riva also said that the scenario itself and the ambiguity about whether or not June actually cheated meshes well with Lukas' more elusive nature.

Hunyak/Uh-Uh - LietBel, with Natalya as Hunyak. (Natalya? Natasha? I'm sorry if I misremembered her name, use whatever floats your boat). We both agreed that we needed Natalya in this, but I couldn't quite find a ship with her quickly that worked well with my original definition of Empire/Territory. Giving her Hunyak's innocent part solves that problem, subverts her often arguably pretty meh canon/fanon interpretations and she gets to have a beautiful dance number with Toris. Toris, who is just really happy for his girlfriend and resigned between the hotblooded, horny chaos that is the rest :).

Velma/Cicero - TurGre, with Herakles as Velma. I thought the cheating situation suited them, as I have a weakness for Herakles being Sadık's favourite, but certainly not only bedfellow at all times and the intensity of the rage is one Herakles well-deserves (if only for show these days). Plus, their performance required a third person and lemme tell you, they do not lack options in my brain. I considered Mohammed (Egypt) at first, but then thought he'd probably politely decline but would surely love to watch the show for "moral support". So instead I went for my Sicily OC Michele as Veronica, because mom said it's my turn on the self-indulgence machine.

Mona/Lipschitz - AusHun, with Erzsébet as Mona. I was sold at the "a real artistic guy, sensitive" part (even though Roderich is rather a musician than a painter) and Riva pointed out that the cheating also could be a great reference to the Habsburg marriage politics.

Further Thoughts (& Thots) for this under the cut, because I knew if I had this post uncut on my dash, I'd murder someone too:

I made an edit last night I just need to finish it and will probably post it tonight!!

Some more additions (one of which I totally did not forget to simply put in the first time around, no ma'am):

- At some point, Natalya goes from micromanaging her part of the performance to micromanaging everything. She will not risk these clowns ruining her moment by fucking up their part. Which, since Natalya becomes an artistic director that could rival a national ballet instructor or an army chief, does change the on-set atmosphere considerably. Everyone is now terrified of Natalya and no one even dares to be horny or argue too boldly.

- Feliks tags along with Natalya and Toris for half of the practices, because he's bored. He also helped with the costumes after Erzsébet had asked him. (He initially wanted to join, but couldn't find a partner and then all roles were already taken by other people). As his ass is not on the line, he's also not too concerned with pissing Natalya off. So while everyone is stiff with fear, Feliks is in the audience like: -cups hands- "I don't mean to slutshame, but y'all could be sluttier!"

- Mads: "Uh, Natalya, dearest, it's so great that you're so invested in all of this, but don't you think the rigid training is killing a bit of the playful eroticism that it needs -"

Natalya: -death glare-

Mads: "No, of course, forgot that I said anything."

Tino: "One would think he'd be a bit braver ... Maybe Erzsébet could talk with her."

- Now that I finally published this fic for the AU, here's some more South Italian Bitching that somewhat references it:

Michele: "Well, I guess we have reached the tipping point, because there is not a spark of horny in my veins now, but I sure am scared."

Lovino: "That feels about right... Wait, you're not supposed to feel horny here, anyways. Horny and scared for who, you thirdwheel."

Michele: "Oh, I'm sorry that I have two functioning eyes and a sex-drive around a bunch of people in lingerie. Don't lose any sleep, I'm not oogling Antonio. You on top of him is really the least sexy thing he could wear and that man has some fuckugly shirts."

Lovino: "You know what, we should get back to practicing, at least then you're too busy clinging upside down to someone else's thighs, who ain't your man, to spew hot air in my face."

Michele: "Which is a far better use of my time, with a much better view, than being face to face with you."

Lovino snorts and grins. "Oh, I'm sure it is."

Herakles: "Hey now, calm down. You two don't have to be like that to each other, hm?"

Lovino, when the other two turn to leave, whispering to Herakles: "I'd keep an eye on him, if I were you. You heard what he said, right?"

Herakles smiles. "And that is none of your business."

Lovino: " ... wait, what's that supposed to -"

I may also add that there is going to be an after show party that everyone is invited to? I just love the stuff we talked about yesterday.. Gilbert being supposed to babysit the micronations and then he just.. shows up at the after party like no ones business 😂

Bestie, you're so right. I hope you won't mind me essentially pasting our conversation here:

- The gang decides to get dinner together one evening after practice. And because, to quote Erzsébet, "the more the merrier", they invite a few more of their friends.

- Like François and Gilbert.

Lovino: "Ugh, yes Antonio, your annoying friends are exactly what I needed in my life right now."

Lukas: "Gilbert and Mathias are very much the antidote to a relaxed evening."

Mathias: "Gilbert's coming with us? Sweet!"

- The Nordics invite Emil, but are surprised when he shows up without his boyfriend.

Emil: "I'm only here because Lukas bribed me with free food. Of course I won't bring my boyfriend along, he doesn't need to know what embarassing stuff you get up to in your free time these days! I didn't want to wake up single tomorrow!"

(Bonus: Emil ends up talking about birds with Gilbert.)

#i hope it is okay that I didn't mark who of us wrote what but if you want me to then do tell <3#this is a group project. the class probably is horrified that we are presenting it but we are having fun.

first of all of course you dont have to mark all these things I'm merely here to shout stupid stuff from the back of the class and I made like 2 slides for the powerpoint. that's my contribution.