wild animals on psychedelics

reddit has been trying to advertise experimental schizophrenia treatments to me for a while and now it has also started advertising magic mushroom spores

i am just a pile of meat. standing in front of another pile of meat. asking to arrange our meat together in configurations that will please the parts of our meat that desire a mate bond without resulting in the production of autonomous meat piles.

yesterday i told the drs that my way of feeling good about the future is to think 'well maybe there will be a nuclear war and we'll all die fast.' and they agreed that was comforting. so basically i don't have to worry as much about the fact that i have had more trouble not saying concerning shit recently because the baseline of everyone is drifting down to my level. great news!

with stunning regularity i will be having some very shitty pain that will suddenly start to fade, allowing me to perform such marvellous fantastical acts as stand up and wash a dish. and i will think, finally, i knew it, i knew i was just wallowing and malingering, i have finally gotten my Mind to break through the false sensation of pain. and then i will remember that actually i took a pain pill earlier and it has now been the length of time needed for it to kick in.

today the dr said i 'seem less upbeat than usual' which is good evidence for me having successfully hid the fact that i was crying the last 3 or so times i was in her office. but i'm not sure what part of my facade visibly failed this time. also she repeatedly deliberately 'noogied' my median nerve with a needle (did not describe what she was doing with any word other than 'noogie') and i did not feel it or react at all, which is apparently abnormal. i like when things like that happen because it makes me look less like an idiot baby incapable of handling normal life sensations who's spending thousands of dollars trying to resolve 'pain' that's not real.

anniversary of my surgical removal. i would go on to have many other things surgically removed from me.

this time i think i am going to decide not to give myself a free ticket to risk allium hubris for my birthday and will instead give myself a free ticket to. not experience a high risk of allium hubris.