Headcanon that Medic is always cold to the touch and it's because of his lack of a soul

Okay so thinking about it logically, there is no way the TF2 universe's economy isn't fucked to all hell.

Spy's suit jacket alone costs 10k. That's 75k in today's money.

Heavy's gun costs 400k to fire for 12 seconds. That's 3 million dollars in today's money. To fire his gun for an hour straight without stopping would cost 900 million dollars in today's money.

It cost Medic 1.3 billion dollars to bring Sniper back from being dead. That is 9.75 billion dollars today. (Which is actually a pretty good deal for bringing back the dead when Heavy could come close to that price tag just by firing his gun for 10 hours.)

Obviously the true answer to this is Typical TF2 Lore Inconsistencies™, but I think it's funny to think about if something atrocious happened to the economy in this universe and money just has no real value anymore. After all, this is the same universe where Sex Bomb by Tom Jones came out sometime before 1972, and the second floor was invented before stairs but after rocket-jumping, by none other than Mr. Shakespearicles himself.

What Languages Can The Mercs Speak?

Scout: English.

Soldier: English.

Pyro: Fluent in Spanish and English, but they 'understand' them more often than actively speak them. I headcanon Pyro as being Mexican.

Demo: Fluent in English and Latin, and knows a small handful of Scottish Gaelic.

Heavy: Fluent in Russian, with passable English. His English gets better the longer he's on the team.

Engineer: Fluent in English, with passable Spanish.

Medic: Fluent in German and English, with passable Latin. (Medic and Demoman Latin buddies you can't stop me they will summon all the demons together <3)

Sniper: English.

Spy: Fluent in French, English, and German, exceptionally passable Russian, Italian, and Spanish, and knows plenty of bits and pieces from various languages he had to learn a bit of for missions over the years.

My Merc LGBTQ Headcanons

Disclaimer: my headcanons aren't set in stone so these are like, what I assume them to be in the average fic I write unless stated otherwise. For example, usually I headcanon Medic as bisexual, but I might make him gay in an AU if I want to explore that instead. And I might make a merc I usually headcanon as cis trans if that's a story I want to explore with them.

Made one of those silly ship thingies but based on my headcanons for HeavyMedic. If Tumblr eats the quality to make it unreadable I'll... I don't know I'll commit some great act of evil

I'm sure all of us are familiar with what happened to Heavy and Medic in the TF2 comics, particularly, comic #6.

They reunite after spending 6 months apart following the mercenaries being fired. Heavy has been living back in Russia with his family, and Medic has joined the TFC team, which has gone horribly.

Their reunion is in a less than ideal situation as Heavy is interrupting Cheavy from tearing Medic into pieces. Cheavy kills Medic, and Heavy completely loses his shit. He is determined to kill the man who killed his Doktor. To a degree that doesn't seem like avenging a friend, almost more like avenging a partner. Someone he loves deeply.

But then Medic comes back, and Heavy is just... weirdly casual about it. He goes from complete rage mode to "Ah Doktor it is good to have you back." No hug, no tears, just accepts that Medic is alive again. It almost feels like there is an awkwardness between them.

From a logical standpoint, this is just TF2 being TF2. The emotional moments in the comics are often quickly switched to a comedic tone.

But my Red Oktoberfest obsessed brain has latched onto this hard, and I have a headcanon that is now deeply ingrained into my worldview.

Merc Spice Tolerances

Eating hot chips and thought of this

Scout: It really depends on your definition of 'tolerance'. He'll eat super spicy food and put on a brave face, acting all tough and manly and strong like it's no big deal to him, but internally he's freaking out about how much it burns and the moment no one is looking he's chugging milk. He can handle more mildly spicy things fine, though.

Soldier: The man is a human garbage disposal, he'll send anything right down the hatch without even flinching. If it causes him any discomfort, he doesn't dare show it. He takes it like a true American and powers through.

Pyro: No one actually sees them eat because they disappear off with their food to eat somewhere private, but before they do they often load it up with all manners of hot sauce, so it can be inferred that for Pyro, like many things, food is better the hotter it is.

Demoman: Weakest stomach for spice known to man. It's as if he's allergic to flavour, the poor guy. Although it may have something to do with the fact that his stomach refuses to acknowledge anything that doesn't have at least a 50% alcohol content.

Engineer: He loves spice, and a lot of the things he cooks for the fellas has at least a little kick to it, to some dismay and some delight. While he holds back for the sake of the others, he's always adding something like extra tabasco to his own portion.

Heavy: For a guy who had basically no exposure to spicy food before coming to America, he's embraced the way of spice and has taken to experimenting with adding some heat to his own cooking under the guidance of Engineer. His own levels of tolerance aren't quite at the level of the Texan, but still impressive.

Medic: He used to have pitifully weak spice tolerance, but he's since been building his tolerance up, through less than natural means. He's determined to have the strongest tolerance of them all by the end of the year. For no real reason other than bragging rights. Why he has decided to make this into a competition, who can say, but he's certainly determined to win.

Sniper: The only time any of the mercs have ever seen Sniper shed tears was when he ate some of Engineer's prize winning super spicy chili. Nowadays, when Engineer announces he's making chili, Sniper runs for the hills to the safety of his van where he can eat something he knows won't kill his taste buds. Like unseasoned rabbit roasted over a fire.

Spy: As a man who has withstood all manners of torture, Spy can eat spicy food without as much as a flinch, but that doesn't mean he willingly inflicts it upon himself. He holds the belief that eating should be an enjoyable and pleasing experience, not tortuous and punishing.

Mercs with Access to Internet

Scout: He would be a content creator who just makes whatever he feels like without any consistency. His uploads would be like:

Rooftop Parkour

Pokemon Smash or Pass

I Made A Mistake. (Addressing the Pokemon Video Controversy)

Tom Jones Songs Tierlist

Minecraft Let's Play

Soldier: He makes political rant videos but no one can figure out what his actual political opinions or leanings are. He just kind of spews buzzwords and 'America' a lot while sounding very passionate. A bunch of people assume he's a parody account making fun of actual political rant channels but no it's just Soldier being Soldier.

Pyro: They make TikTok dance videos. In every single video something in the background is on fire. Occasionally you'll hear "Damnit, damnit damnit!" and see Engineer rush in with a fire extinguisher.

Demo: He makes one video tutorial on how to make a pipe bomb, gets all his accounts suspended, and ends up on a hundred different lists.

Engineer: He would be one of those YouTube engineers like 'Michael Reeves' or 'i did a thing' who makes horrible abominations of machinery and technology. His viewers never know whether to be impressed, horrified, or a healthy mix of both.

Heavy: He doesn't ever post anything anywhere but he likes to watch a lot of videos on guns. He also subscribes to cooking channels for new ideas.

Medic: Aggressively spreads misinformation online. Not just medical misinformation, anything. He isn't lazy about it either. He puts genuine effort into making his lies as convincing and believable as possible. He is actively trying to make people less educated. If you ask him about it he'll claim it's a social experiment but he's just doing this for his own amusement.

Sniper: All of his accounts are on private and have like 3 followers. He uses Facebook to keep in contact with his parents and that's pretty much it.

Spy: Doxxes people he disagrees with.

I headcanon Miss Pauling as being into cameras and photography because she's overworked and I think the girl needs a hobby that she can somewhat fit into her work schedule. She got into it after having to take pictures of corpses for some record keeping. She takes pictures of the mercs sometimes after missions and although the first time she asked if she could, she was met with hesitation and some outright refusal, eventually everyone figured it would be nice to indulge her with her hobby because she rarely has the time for other pastimes. She gives the photos to anyone who wants them, and that usually ends up being Pyro, who puts the photos up on their wall decorated with stickers. Medic is covered in blood in every single photo he's in, regardless of if it makes sense for the context of the picture or not. It's better if you don't ask why.

How Old I Think The Mercs Are

This is more so just for my own reference, also some bonus characters. These are their ages in 1968.

Scout: 22

"The Naked and the Dead" takes place in 1972. In this issue, Spy reveals that Scout was conceived 27 years ago, making him 26/27. I know a lot of people take this at face value to mean Scout is exactly 27 but it does take 9 months to make a baby. Subtract 4 years, we get 22 in 1968.

Soldier: 47

This would make him about 18 around the start of World War 2, which I feel works well considering what the man is all about. I also imagine he claims to be born on the 4th of July, but it's more than a bit doubtful if he's telling the truth.

Pyro: 32

I don't have any evidence or argument for this one, it's just based on vibes

Demoman: 38

Once again, no real evidence or arguments for this one, based purely on vibes

Heavy: 45 Zhanna: 39 Bronislava: 35 Yana: 31

This is where I get a bit insane. Heavy and his family were sent to the gulag in 1941. Using the photo from "A Cold Day in Hell", I estimate Heavy in this photo to be maybe 18, Zhanna 12, Bronislava 8, and Yana 4. I also don't know how children look like at different ages at all so maybe I'm way off but those are my estimates.

Engineer: 42

It does take a long time to get a PhD, even more time to get 11, but knowing Engineer he could probably grind through them in no time. It's also stated that he spent 10 years in the Texas oilfields, so between that and the PhDs he isn't exactly young anymore, but not super old either.

Medic: 46/47

I know a lot of people headcanon Medic to be in his 50s or later, but this number is based purely on the very elaborate backstory I have for him. Besides, by the time we get to 1972, the time of "The Naked and the Dead", he would be 50.

Sniper: 26

New Zealand sunk 40 years ago in the times of the comics, and 10 years later Sniper's father tries to escape in a rocket, only for baby Sniper to get in the rocket instead and crash land in Australia. This makes Sniper 30 in the comics, and thus, 26 in 1968.

Spy: 48

Spy states he was young and foolish when he dropped a sex bomb on Scout's mother, so I think he was about 25 when Scout was conceived. Leaving him at 48 in 1968.

Miss Pauling: 24

I imagine she's only a bit older than Scout, but she has worked for the Administrator a long time, since she was rather young.

There are two wolves inside of me

The first wolf thinks that Medic takes freezing cold showers because he's the kind of little weirdo who would like that probably

The second wolf thinks that Medic takes scalding hot showers to practice burning in hell

A secret third wolf thinks he alternates between the two every day for basically no reason

Made a height chart for my height headcanons, website I used is heightcomparison.com

Soldier's list for this is pretty long. Soldier is not allowed to use the microwave, Soldier is not allowed to drive, Soldier is not allowed to create a raccoon uprising, Soldier is not allowed to run around the base naked and covered in honey, Soldier is not allowed to tackle people without giving them fair warning, Soldier is not allowed to... et cetera, et cetera. Does he ever follow these rules? Certainly not!

Pyro's access to flammable material is heavily monitored when they aren't at work, and there's a fire extinguisher right outside their dorm room. Their walls are covered in burn marks, but with the diligence of a certain next door Friendly Engie, we haven't had a repeat of the Great Teufort Fire since '68!

The real reason why Medic operates without anesthesia is because no one trusts him enough to go to sleep on his operating table ever since Scout's liver and pancreas went missing after what was supposed to be a simple kidney stone removal. Of course, he replaced them with newer, better, probably less human ones afterwards, but not everyone is as eager to be a guinea pig as Heavy is!

Sniper isn't allowed to drive off into the wilderness for the weekend without leaving a note of where he's going, the first time he pulled that off there was a lot of chaos and Miss Pauling lost 3 years off her life stressing over why one of the mercenaries was just gone without a trace, meanwhile he just wanted to get away from it all and spend his weekend off camping. So much for 'be professional', right?

Scout loves drawing, as inspired by Expiration Date. He's really good at it, like crazy good, but he usually uses his talents for chaos, such as drawing Spy having sexual congress with the Eiffel tower. He also collects baseball cards, and sings Tom Jones to himself when he's alone in his room, but everyone knows because of how loud he sings. He sings into his baseball bat like it's a microphone, most passionate ballad of 'Sex Bom' you will ever hear.

Soldier is devoted to creating an army of raccoons, no matter how much the raccoons bite and scratch him. If you can consider that a hobby. Can you count snapping Scout's puny neck as a hobby? Is violence in general a hobby? He takes great joy in trying to 'shape up' the other mercenaries, through wake up calls, making them eat nasty MREs, yelling at them to train harder, and running the base like it's boot camp. I don't think this man has picked up a relaxing pastime in his entire life.

Pyro loves collecting things, anything really. Stickers, candy, rubber ducks, if it fits in their pocket, they'll hoard it somewhere only to bestow it to someone randomly (at least it can seem random) as a gift. Obviously they have a hobby for starting fires, but their less destructive hobbies include tea parties, scrapbooking, cake decorating, and hanging out with Engie in the workshop just to pass time.

Demo loves gathering the mercs around and telling them ghost stories. If there's a thunderstorm, and the lights go out, he's grabbing the candles and the spookiest voice he can muster. While the man loves his scrumpy, in the past before he just stuck to the good ol reliable stuff, Demo dabbled in the art of mixology, crafting up the most bizarre yet delicious drinks you could think of, but they certainly could pack a punch! He hasn't entirely lost the skill, but most of the time he's too drunk to work a bar with the finesse he once could. There would be a lot of glass shattering.

Heavy is a big time reader. Whenever he has the time to spare, he's pulling out a thick book that no one can identify and digging in. However, he has a remarkable ability that I lack; the ability to remain aware of his surroundings while buried in a book. No matter how invested he is in the literature he's currently consuming, if you call for him he'll drop it and come help. He enjoys spending time with Medic's doves; after their beloved doctor, he's their second favourite person. He also enjoys cooking, something he learned from his mother a great many years ago.

Engineer obviously spends a lot of his free time in the workshop tinkering about, but he also loves to spend time just hanging out with the mercs, who he all considers friends, that Friendly Engie! Whether it's a barbecue, a game of poker, karaoke night, whatever shenanigans the mercs are doing to pass the time between matches, Engie is right there in the center of it, enjoying all the bonding time with his teammates that they can get. He's a major extrovert, and can get on well with just about anyone he meets!

Medic takes his job as a hobby, delighting in reaching into someone's chest cavity and playing God for a bit. He's very passionate about bird care, treating his flock of doves as if they were his children. He also loves music, and has a radio playing in the medbay whenever he can. Medic has a wonderful singing voice, but he rarely sings nowadays, though he used to in his younger years. He also is a surprisingly good dancer, but only Heavy knows about that one.

Sniper loves abandoning the base and going out into the middle of nowhere to just be one with nature and get some peace and quiet. He goes hunting, catches himself some game, cooks it over a fire, spends the night stargazing and listening to nocturnal animal calls. He's the most introverted of the group, and while he does sometimes sit in for poker and other team activities, he's happiest in the great outdoors by his lonesome.

Spy is a connoisseur in fine wines and other elegant alcoholic drinks, taking the time when he can to attend fine dining and wine tasting events. He plays piano, rather impressively well, among his wide set of talents, but unlike many talents that he picked up just for a job, he takes great joy in his musical skills. He also has a fondness for seducing your mother.

Can The Mercs Drive

Scout: He doesn't have a drivers license, but in like, a desperate situation, he would know enough of the basics to get a car to move. He would be absolutely horrible at it, though. And his probability of crashing is high. He loves riding shotgun in cars and talks about how one day he's gonna get a super fancy sports car and impress all the girls, but he's never going to get around to actually learning how to drive.

Soldier: He cannot legally drive, he should not drive, he should be kept as far away from a driver's seat as possible, and yet he has stolen the company van on multiple occasions to go get McDonald's with Demo. Most of the dents and scratches on the van are from Soldier. He is far too confident for his own good.

Pyro: Pyro has never been seen driving, it seems safe enough to assume that Pyro cannot drive, but also I think it would be funny if they could, they just never have because no one trusts them to. Imagining Pyro driving like, a massive monster truck with flame decals.

Demo: He can technically drive, it's just that most of the time he's too drunk to drive. If he manages to get sober enough to be in a state of competence, he's an impressively responsible driver.

Heavy: The problem for Heavy isn't driving, it's finding vehicles with driver's seats that he can comfortably fit into. His driving skill is pretty average, nothing special but he's reliable when you need to get somewhere.

Engineer: Not only is he able to drive just about any vehicle you put him in, he's the team's mechanic and loves to work on modifying vehicles. Spy was hesitant to let Engineer mess around with his car, but it goes a hell of a lot faster now so he can't really complain.

Medic: He knows how to drive, but he's not legally allowed to. Not that he would let that stop him. He has a makeshift 'ambulance' that he likes to drive around in, complete with organ fridges for emergencies. He also has a history of stealing cars, including a catering van from a wedding that came with a certain little dove.

Sniper: As a guy who lives in a camper van, he definitely can drive well. He's especially skilled at driving large vehicles. He's one of the teams go to drivers when they have somewhere they need to be, alongside Engineer.

Spy: He has an expensive convertible sports car that's his pride and joy. It's a total speed demon after whatever Engineer did to it, and he likes to go out speeding down the long roads in it. However, he doesn't know how to drive larger vehicles.

How I Think My Ships Spend Time Together

Heavy/Medic: Heavily inspired by "Meet the Medic". I think Medic just really enjoys operating on Heavy. He loves exploring his body, not in the typical sexual connotation, but quite literally cutting him open and just seeing all the things that work together to make his favourite person tick. Watching Heavy's heart beat and his lungs breathe, it's like poetry to Medic. Heavy loves listening to Medic's wacky stories. Things the average person would find disturbing and terrifying, Heavy simply finds hilarious. He could listen to his doktor talk all day.

Sniper/Spy: They don't spend their time together doing a lot of talking, they smoke together, maybe have a drink, sit in each other's quiet company. They go out driving to who knows where in Sniper's van to stargaze. My favourite way to ship Sniper/Spy is Red Sniper/Blu Spy, so Blu Spy likes hanging out in Red Sniper's nest and just watching him work. He can pretend like he finds sniping a cowardly way to fight, but seeing the precision and skill that goes into it up close is mesmerizing. Of course, he always ends up having to stab the Sniper in the back at some point, but that's just part of the job, right?

Engie/Spy: These two share a love for food. Cooking for each other is how they show their love. Spy learned gourmet cooking from the finest chefs in Paris, and loves to show off by making big fancy dinners for date nights with his beloved. Meanwhile, Engie is a rather simple cook, he likes having barbecues and making classic home comfort food. Whenever Spy is in a bad mood, Engie offers to make him some food and it always cheers him right up. Spy may have learned gourmet from the best, but there's no denying that the Engineer can make a damn good omelette.

Medic/Engie: They're always nerding out over their scientific discoveries and teaching each other new things. They love getting together and pushing the limits of science, combining their knowledge for some of the weirdest things you would ever see. Medic has a particular fascination with Engineer's gunslinger arm, an incredible combination of mechanics and biology.

Demo/Soldier: These two together cause absolute chaos. When he's in a more sober state, Demo is the more levelheaded of the two, but getting into trouble with his partner in crime is just irresistible sometimes, who can blame him? Demo is the more affectionate one too, he gets real cuddly when he's drunk and Soldier can't resist holding him close and giving in to his charms. Of course, Soldier's always getting a bit drunk alongside Demo, which can be a recipe for disaster, but hey, they're having fun!

Demo/Medic: They get wasted and talk about their teammates, whether it be gossip, or complaining, or whatever else is on their mind. After a long day of trying to keep everyone from dying horribly, it's nice to unwind with your drinking buddy who became a bit more than a buddy. Demo also loves telling Medic ghost stories. Being a man of science, Medic hardly believes any of them, but he never says anything because he knows how happy it makes Demo.

Can the Mercs Cook?

Scout: He can do like, the very basics. Like, use a toaster and a microwave and maybe make eggs on the stove if he tries hard enough. Most of his meals consist of stale baked goods, cereal, leftovers, takeout, and cans of Bonk.

Soldier: No. GOD no. This man probably eats out of the bin. Pulls a moldy ass sandvich out of the trash and eats it. He cannot cook. Do not let this man cook. "Let him cook" cease and desist. He would probably microwave metal.

Pyro: They get a little too excited around sources of fire to reliably cook without things getting out of hand. I imagine they quite enjoy cake decorating, however. Maybe Engie can bake a cake for Pyro to have fun decorating every now and again?

Demo: His cooking skill correlates directly to how sober he is. When he's in a more competent state, he's a fairly good cook, but the drunker he is, the more he falls into "Soldier" levels of cooking skill. They probably microwave metal together, what a couple of besties! He's definitely better than Scout, and can make things like pasta or bacon or pancakes, simpler things like that, nothing too fancy or complicated.

Heavy: He can make sandviches capable of saving a man from death, no doubt he's a god in the kitchen. Apart from his sandviches, he mostly just whips up simple things to eat when he's hungry, he could probably make more complicated things but he simply doesn't want to. I think he would have learned a lot of cooking from his mother.

Engie: I like to think Engie is the chef of the team, whether it's a little barbecue team get-together, or making everyone a nice big breakfast as a treat, he likes showing his gratitude to people with food. He puts a lot more effort into his everyday meals than many of his teammates.

Medic: He never cooks, ever. This leads most to assume he doesn't know how to cook, which is incorrect. Medic is probably one of the more capable cooks of the bunch, he just simply doesn't like cooking. Why he doesn't, who can say?

Sniper: Sniper is a master at survivalist style cooking. He can shoot, butcher, and roast any beast over a fire with ease. Being out in the wild, just his van and gun and whatever nature offers him, that's the ideal. Stick him in a proper kitchen, he feels a lot less at home. He can cook normally just fine, but it's not his favourite way to cook.

Spy: Spy is on gourmet levels of chef knowledge. I imagine he picked up the skills of gourmet cooking long ago, perhaps as part of an undercover job. He rarely cooks at the base, finding the lack of tools and ingredients available to him aggravating. But when he does, the smells get everyone's mouths watering.