The worst thing 1's ever done to me was make me trust her. Was to say its safe and say that I'm 'home', to make me open up - only to shit on the first thing I had faith in. We no longer speak. The worst thing 2's ever done to me was not guard my ice cream from 5. She's one of the best people I've ever known. I never met 3, may she RIP. The worst thing 4's ever done to me was to apply a double standard within my brothers and me and my sister. I know he means well, I was just a stupid kid then. I get it now. He's a great guy, that asshole heh. The worst thing 5's ever done to me is right after I told 10 what happened, she told her and 5 told everyone. Thats only half. The other half is, I saw them maybe a week or two weeks later and we ran into f*×#/^. And like, she knew what happened but she acted as if she knew nothing, hugged him, kissed him, and bought him two bags of liquor all the while 10 was keeping me calm in the backseat. I don't talk to 5. 6 has literally done nothing negative towards me at all. Even when he was pissed at me, I knew it wasn't forever. Though, we don't speak. He's got better things going on. The worst thing that 7's ever done to me was give me expired beer, it was disgusting. I speak to him occasionally. The worst thing 9's ever done to me was nothing. We're basically the same person except he's got a dick, he's better looking, he's a few inches taller. We don't really speak because he was locked up for a while and he's out now but he's busy. The worst thing 10's ever done to me was tell 5 what happened. We don't speak. 11 and 12, are just kids. So the worst thing they've ever done was narc on me.
The worst thing 8's ever done to me is hate me so viciously that I cannot stand mirrors or anything that holds a reflection. The worst thing she's ever done to me is scar me with scissors or broken metal or sharp rocks. The worst thing 8's ever done to me is make me wish that I were dead, she made me forget the joy of wanting to live, of wanting a life and a future. 8 made me hurt myself and made my anger explosive. The worse thing 8's ever done to me is make me continue to contemplate and attempt to commit suicide and then hold it in and not tell anyone about it. 8 is the worst of all the numbers....
Because 8 is me. And I don't know how to make me stop. They say it starts with me. That I'm the only one who can help me. But they're wrong because at this point I can't even see any help from me or anyone else. All I can see is a thick pool of blood covering my wrists or a pile of pills resting in my stomach as I myself rest for the last sleep I'll ever take or the top of my shoes as my body dangles from the noose around my neck. There's all this anger and sadness inside of me that people expect me to just be able to fix it because I'm 20 years old and I'm old enough to do it on my own.
Tell me, when a girl turns 9 or 11 or 12 and gets her period and someone puts sex in her mind and she asks you about it. Do you expect her to just figure it out on her own? When an 18 year old is shot and is bleeding out, do the EMTs stop and say 'the only person who can help you is you'? When a 37 year old woman is being sexually harassed at a bar and she turns to you and asks for help, would you just shrug and say 'you're old enough to figure to do it yourself'?
So why is it that people like me have to do it on our own? Do you not realize that I have no faith in living anymore? That I figure death is a better alternative because living is so goddamn awful? That every day I wake up, even the okay days is just another day that I sit in pain of the war raging inside of myself? No. You don't. Because I'm old enough to figure it out on my own, right?
And THAT is one of the worst things you could do to someone. Show them that they were right. No one does care. And people wonder why we say we're fine instead of saying we're fucking dying inside.
Oko Ninjah (Numbers/Worst)
