Missing her is the most painful thing I have to deal with everyday

Because I won’t let myself, not at first

But then I let a little in

And like choppy waters, they start to slowly engulf me

Missing her is more painful than when people I loved left the world

Because there are parts of me -

My heart, my thoughts, my soul, my being -

They all left along with her

And you can say that I’m being dramatic

Or that “feelings aren’t real”

But it’s like parts of me are hollow -

Like they’re open wounds that won’t heal

And trust me, I know

This is incredibly pathetic

And just so everyone knows

I promise I’m not holding my breath

I’m not holding out for hope

I’m not that fucken stupid

I just still am…

Well, you already know

I refuse to say it loud

I regret ever saying it to begin with

Because yeah, people have left me before

They’ve even thrown me away before

Just -

Not like this

I thought we were good

Better than, I thought we were great

I thought that for me -

You would want to wait

But that was too much to ask for

That was too much to expect

But I thought that when you’re with someone

They owe you at least a little respect

But that was too much for me to want

That was too much for me to need

And it was ridiculous of me to think -

That your wouldn’t want anyone else if they weren’t me

But that was stupid of me

Maybe it was selfish

To think we were forever

To think you wouldn’t want someone else

But I thought we were good

Yeah I thought we were great

I didn’t think that you’d leave

Especially not this way

I just wish I could talk to her

I’ve had both good and bad news and she’s the only person I’ve been wanting to tell them about

I’ve been texting but she just sends pictures of the dogs

Which I really appreciate and love because god I miss them too

I just want to talk to her

Hear about her day

Hear about her dreams

Her newest meditation that I think doesn’t work on me but she wants me to try because maybe it could

I am so sorry that I fucked up

Maybe I got too comfortable

Maybe I just failed at your expectations

Because I just did too much

I just am a lot

I just wanted so much more than 5 years

More than 50 years

I wanted forever, the rest of our lives

4 months…

And I haven’t seen her

I miss her so much

My chest physically tightens

No, really

It feels like a cramp under my left breast

But it’s my own fault

I just…

Don’t want us to end

We’re endgame

I still believe that

Could this just be a blip?

A second chance in the making?

Could this just be the thing that makes us stronger and closer?

No…

How can it be?

I’m not getting any response

I only ever knew hell

So yes she was heaven to me

And I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to

But I quickly made her my everything

My smile, my laugh

The reason behind my happiness

Even when I had bad days

She was always the silver lining within that mess

She made me better

Even if she doesn’t think so

Before her I wouldn’t leave my room

But with her I left the state though

And I’d do it again

Even when I was homesick

Because I didn’t know but she was home

And now I’m just sick

Sick of the distance

Sick of waiting

I’m sick of not speaking to her

I’m sick pretending we weren’t married

She was heaven to me

And now I’m back to being in hell

I didn’t think I’d get hurt

There’s not much that can penetrate my outer shell

But I got hurt, I got smashed

Absolutely demolished

And I think this is just the beginning

I don’t think they’re close to finished

She wasn’t my first kiss

But she’s the kiss I miss the most

She’s the kiss I crave and ache for

She’s the kiss that made my lips stain with the touch of hers…

And hopefully I feel that for the rest of my life

Because I will forever miss her kiss

Maybe I loved her too much

Maybe I wasn’t good enough

Maybe she left me here

Because I was held back by fear

Maybe I fucked up a lot

Maybe the fuck ups didn’t stop

Maybe I said too many sorrys

That’s why she doesn’t love me

Maybe I wasn’t too brave

Maybe I misbehaved

Maybe I was too scared to lose her

That’s why we aren’t together

Maybe I messed it all up

Maybe she thought I didn’t give a fuck

Maybe she just didn’t know

That she was where I called home

Maybe she was just fed the fuck up

Maybe my love just wasn’t enough

Maybe we weren’t going to make it

Because she probably faked it

Maybe only I was in love

Maybe only I have issues with trust

Maybe I took too long to get passed it

And she got sick of my shit

Maybe I was too weak

For hours, I didn’t need to speak

Maybe my silence was too loud

Maybe all I did was let her down

Maybe that’s why she left

With my heart and breath

Maybe 5 years was all I get

But damn… how quick did she forget

Funny how we went from talking all day

To not talking at all

Funny how we went from seeing each other everyday

To not seeing each other at all

Funny how you used to love me

Now I don’t even cross your mind

Funny how you used to tell me

That forever was for you and I

Funny how that used to be true

Now nothing makes any sense at all

Funny how we used to be so close

Now I’ve never felt more far apart

Funny how our kisses used to mean everything

But I don’t even remember our last kiss

Funny how you said you’d love me forever

But it’s only been 5 years

Oh yeah that’s not funny

It’s sad

All I had to give was my heart

And it wasn’t enough

So I wasn’t enough- I’m not enough

It sucks

To see her love everyone so much

And to know I’m not one of them

I fucked up

And she realized that I’m not worth it…

She realized I really am nothing

She realized that I don’t matter

She realized she doesn’t love me

She realized that I’m not important

She realized that I don’t need to be there

She realized it’s been long enough

She realized that she no longer cared

She realized that I’m not good enough

She realized my kisses no longer mattered

She realized that neither did my touch

She realized she didn’t need to talk to me

She realized that I’m just not enough

She realized she could ignore texts

She realized that the sound of her voice would break me

She realized I wouldn’t call her -

Because the pauses in between would be deafening

She realized that I my biological family was still around

She realized that, oh and this is the best

She realized that I’m just not anything at all

So like the others, she left

You were it for me. I was always out of place but you were my anchor. You are my anchor. You’re my destination. It was always going to be you. It was always going to be us. I love you babes.