I apologize

I thought I mattered

Just once

I thought I actually mattered

I thought I was safe

But it’s true

Nothings forever

I’m not part of the plan

And the actual realization of all of that is fucking with me

I wished and prayed and hoped and dreamt

But that wasn’t enough

Love wasn’t enough

Hope wasn’t enough

I wasn’t enough

That’s just the truth

And it really sucks

To know that I am a burden

To be a burden…

Fucken hell

It’s literally the realization of it that is pushing me to the edge

I’m a burden

So I shouldn’t be here

I’m a burden

That’s why they left me

I’m a burden

That’s why no one believes me about my rapist and why my “family” hangs out with him and drinks and parties with him

I’m a burden

Why am I still here?

Everyone I’ve ever cared about

Everyone I’ve ever loved

They either are dead

Or they’ve left me

And I get it now

I’m a burden

I was always a burden

And no one told me my whole life

I’m a burden

I shouldn’t be here

I should’ve never even been a thought

I lost them

Not just her, my wife

I mean my ex wife

But everyone

Everything

And I hate that when I say that I lost everything, people just assume that I’m talking about money or material things

No

I’m talking about my life

I lost my life

I lost my wife

My family - the family I wished for and prayed for and I finally got them

I lost them

I lost my smile, my laugh - my actual genuine smile and laugh

I lost my home

Because they were my home

And maybe they’d see this or not but if they did, they’d probably be like no you always said you were homesick and missed Hawaii - that’s true

Except I always finished that sentence with another by saying I just want to go there and hate it like last time and then come back and live life

I’ve got nothing, no one

Yeah I live with my “dad”

But that guy, he’s a rapist

No not mine but he raped someone that I’m close to

You really fucken think I want to be here?

No I’m only here because I have nowhere the fuck else to go

Also there are other kids in the house

Now you’re probably asking why he’s not in jail or whatever

Why do you think?

I was gone for five years and when I came back they all lied for him

Everyone in the house lied for him

And unfortunately he’s the only place I can go to

Do I feel safe?

No not at all

I barely fucken sleep through the night because I don’t trust him around the kids and I dose myself with a ton of a Benadryl to sleep during the day while he’s at work

Do I really want to be dealing with this?

No I don’t

I don’t want to deal with any of this shit

Because even though the person he raped is talking to detectives and trying to press charges

It’s been years and the people lying for him are going to continue lying for him

I hope and pray that the detectives prosecute him, I hope she gets some kind of justice unlike what happened to me

And where that leaves me, I don’t know

I also don’t care

I really don’t

Because as I’m typing these words

I’m realizing that I really don’t matter

And that when they left me here, they knew what I was going back to and they didn’t care because they didn’t care about me anymore - because I just didn’t matter to them anymore

I hope and I’m scared to even say this under my breath as I’m typing

But I hope that the shit I’m seeing gets worse, I hope that the voices get worse and I hope that it pushes me to the edge to the point where there is nothing left to do but take a breath and fall

And you could say “that’s selfish”

Except it’s actually not

I’m a burden

And no one cares

If anything, they’ll be relieved

In reality, it just won’t matter

Both are fine

The sun will still rise and set

The world will still spin

The ocean will still flow

People will still laugh and smile regardless of my presence

No one cares

It was also easy for them to leave he and ghost me

That I’m convinced that no one’s ever cared

It shouldn’t be a shock but damn…

Actually accepting the realization of that… it hurts emotionally and physically

I’m going to be 30 next year

But I don’t think I’ll make it to them tbh

I’ve got nothing to look forward to

I’ve got no one to speak to

I texted her today but that’s just false hope I’m holding onto

She doesn’t care about my texts

How do I know?

She never… never texts me unless I text her

And even then if I printed our texts out

They would all fit on a single page and all of the words would equal to about half a paragraph

This isn’t even all the shit

This isn’t even half of the shit, not even a fourth of it

And I’m afraid I’ve run out of things to convince myself that I matter and that it’ll get better

Because it’s only been getting worse

And you know what I’m tired

I am exhausted

And I need someone to read this…

My name is not important, you all wouldn’t be able to pronounce us anyway and I am writing this to let you know that I’m sorry for being a burden and wasting your time, for being in the way and taking up space. But I’m not sorry I killed myself.

I’m tired of lying and pretending that things are okay when they’re not

I’m tired of quieting myself because things are too complicated to talk about

I’m tired of trying to be good when I’m just not good

I’m nothing, I’m no one

And I don’t know when but I’m not going to be here much longer

I’m not giving myself any time limit to try to get better or whatever the fuck

I just need to do it because I’ll be honest that’s all that’s left for me to do

I’m not sorry for my decision

I’m not sorry if someone or people are fake hurt

I don’t matter and I’m here alive now

What does it matter if I’m dead and still continue to not matter?

Oh right, it doesn’t

I lost them

Everyone I’ve ever loved and wanted

I lost all of them

I’m never going to get them back

And no one else is ever going to love or care about me because I’m just a burden

I’m sorry for losing my ex and the family we had

Except never mind I’m not sorry about that because they’re living life and happy as fuck without me so I guess that’s the one good thing that’s happened

Which just proves my point - things are incredibly better without me around

So I’m just going to do what everyone’s been wanting and thinking and hoping that I do..

I’m just going to go