Oko Ninjah

Oko Ninjah

Oko Ninjah (October 14th, 2013)

Inside The Loneliness Of A Bad Guy

I still haven't heard from her I've seen her though Chase and the others have been keeping an eye on her for me

I hate to say it but I miss her I never knew how quiet my apartment is without her here I miss seeing her smile in the morning

I miss her scent, strawberries and vanilla I miss her laugh It used to echo through the apartment and now all I hear is the emptiness of my heart

The warmth in my chest has been replaced It's been replaced with an ache An ache for her

I wish she'd just let me explain things I didn't think, I just acted It wasn't just about what he said, I pictured him hurting her

And I couldn't bear it

So I struck him And I struck him again Then a third time

I saw the look in her eyes It was the look everyone else gives me Like they're afraid of me

I would never hurt her I wouldn't let myself If I ever hurt he'd I'd be hurting myself because she's a part of me

Why did she have to go with him? It's my own fault She probably doesn't trust me anymore

I'll do anything to make her trust me again Chase told me, they've been fighting in public He screams at her and calls her names

I wish she'd just realize I can protect her from him, I can protect her from anyone, anything

Even myself

This ache hurts me I couldn't sleep last night I was too busy thinking of her and how much I wish she'd just call me

I don't want to know what it is to not know her anymore I don't want to forget how someone's smile can warm my skin And I don't want to forget how her voice makes my heart throb

I don't want to forget her I miss her hugs And how she'd wear my sweatshirts

I just miss her

Heart Tremors Of A Bad Guy

I woke up this morning and she was in the shower My heart pounded because her voice echoed through my apartment She was a beautiful singer

She came out wrapped in a towel It was for a brief moment but I turned away She laughed and said there was no need but I insisted

When she returned I handed her a cup of orange juice She hates coffee, which is why I no longer drink it I say its because I no longer like the taste of it

But its really because ever since she's been here, I've been dying to kiss her And I want my breath to be fresh

She came out of my room in shorts and one of my sweatshirts I swear, the sight of her made me weak But my eyes are always focused on her lips

I just know that if I ever kiss her I'm gonna feel her in my heart And that scares me because I won't know what to do with that feeling

But when I'm around her She makes me not so scared anymore But it's confusing because she's back with him

I don't understand how she can still want him I know I have no right to judge because I've hurt people But I'd never hurt her and I'm sure as shit not going to let him hurt her again

This warmth is intoxicating And I'm betting so are her kisses And I so desperately want to test that theory

But I'll only try if she initiates first Just one move, a lean or lip bite And I'll take it from there

Oko Ninjah via [twitter]

The Heart Of A Bad Guy

I woke up at three this morning She knocked on my door Which was weird, since I live above a bar

She was covered in tears and that made the warmth return As much as I wanted to remove the warmth I couldn't turn her away

I let her in and she told me that they got into an argument He raised his hand to her No one is allowed to do that

No one.

I grabbed the vodka from my freezer And pour us some glasses She was still upset, so I grabbed the whiskey

We got to talking and I made her laugh She smiled and... That changed everything for me

I never wanted to see her cry again Ugh... I don't know what it is about her I don't know what it is about the warmth

I don't want to feel this way I don't know how to feel this way But I do and I can't see her hurt again

And if he ever, Ever raises his hand to her again I will hurt him like I've hurt people before

How To Not Care:

Smoke weed. Boom. Problem solved. You're fucking welcome.

Truth

My best friend used to be this girl named Tiffany. We knew each other since preschool. But best friends... We should have stopped using that word when we were sixth grade. Matter of fact, the only reason why we continued to call each other best friends passed sixth grade was because we knew each other for a long time.

Truth is, that wasn't friendship. I mean, yeah I cared for her. I cared for everyone I thought was my friend because I was taught that was what friends did. But everyone I thought was my friend didn't give two shits about me. But its whatever because I guess that's what I get for trying to be a good guy.

That's why I'm a dick. I'm such an asshole because for once, I'm good at something. And that's being an asshole. I don't know what friendship is because I've never had one. And the only love I know is from my mom. Because my siblings and I have drifted since she passed.

I don't know what it means to really care about anything. Well except for myself. I like being an asshole. I'm honest and well people like honesty. They'll just have to deal with me being an asshole. Or... Just fuck off.

Inside The Heart Of A Bad Guy

I wish to not feel this way Cupid is no friend of mine Yet he bestowed this warmth upon me

Why?

All I've ever done was bad I've hurt people Killed people Its in my nature, I can't help it

But when I'm with around her I don't want to be a bad guy anymore I can't be that person with her

She's got a piece of me A piece that I never knew I even had

Whatever light I have in me Its because of her She's the good in me

I know I've disappointed her And I'm the reason for a lot of her pain

But I'd spend an eternity trying to make it up to her

Trying To Figure It Out

I went out today Chase needed me We had to rebuild his fence

He's the one person who knows me Everything about me So he did some digging and asked about her

I told him about the warmth And how I'm protective of her And that she slapped me

He smiled then laughed He told me it serves me right For pushing her to the limit

I asked about what the warmth is And he told me Its the good in me

There is no good in me I told him Then he just shrugged and said There is when she's around

I left after we built the fence I went to the roof of my apartment building And just stared into the night

I shouldn't feel this way About her or anyone I don't deserve to know what this warmth is

I'm not good, I'm bad I am the bad guy But...

She makes me not want to be such a bad guy

Inside The Heart Of A Bad Guy

She doesn't believe me When I say I can protect her She still chose him

I know I've done terrible things That I've hurt people But I'd never hurt her

I don't know why I feel this way Its ridiculous And she clouds my judgment

I know the way she looks at him The love in her eyes I can't take that That's why I fought last night

It was just random person I didn't know their name I didn't care

I fought because I didn't want to feel That stupid warmth anymore

But I did I still did

I need to get away from her I hate what she's doing to me She wants the good guy

And I'm not that person

Rambling

I'm watching Cold Case and I'm just thinking about life. I mean, I don't even have a life. I really don't. I don't have a job or friends or a dog or anything really. I don't have anything.

So I'm now thinking of suicide. I think about it a lot. I try not to but it just enters my mind at random times. I've been bullied. You'd think because hawaii is supposedly paradise there'd be no bullying but... That's not accurate.

Now I'm thinking of basketball. From the time I was five and until I was about twelve or thirteen, I wanted nothing more than to be a basketball player. WNBA, that was my dream. Lisa Leslie was my favorite player and I wanted to be just like her. I was good, too. I would play basketball right after I did my homework. That's three thirty until eight in the evening. It was my life.

I never wanted to grow up. Ever. Every year until I turned fifteen, I would say I was three years younger than I really was or I'd just say that I was twelve. I loved being a kid. I said I'd always be a kid.

But bullying in elementary school is different than bullying in middle school and high school. I could take elementary school bullying, in a heartbeat. Then I hit middle school and it all went to hell.

About seventeen minutes just gone by and the killer in Cold Case buries his victims alive and he makes them write a will to say goodbye to family and friends.

I don't know. I'm just rambling on. I think of a lot of things, we all do.

Hmmm... Until next time, I guess.

It is

For starters, she's not just some girl. I mean, she really isn't.

She's this strong, outspoken, funny, intelligent, courageous, yet shy, beautiful girl.

Her eyes are like two perfectly shaped hershey almond drops. And I could get lost in them for hours.

If she's got something to say, she will. She's strong as hell. One of the strongest people I've ever met.

Her voice can stop my heart from beating. It's like one word, just one from her lips, can melt my heart.

Although she's strong, there's no question about that... But even though she's strong, she's fragile.

She's been through a lot, more than most people would even ever have to go through.

I think that's why I'm protective over her. The fact that a lot of people take advantage of her and take her for granted, it just pisses me off.

I hate that she lets them into her heart and all they do is treat her like she's nothing...

When the truth is that if we were together, I'd treat her like my everything.

Because she is my everything.

When I wake up, she's the first thought in my mind and before I fall asleep, she's the last thing I think of.

She means a lot to me.

But people call me insane because its her...

I'm not insane. I'm just one of the few people who actually understand and know exactly how they feel about someone.

I know that she's in my heart.

I wish it wasn't true as much as she does but...

It is.

I'm Not...

I'm not perfect

I don't write greek poetry With my left hand And draw murals With my right hand

But I promise I will always be there When you call I'll be there No matter how far or how long I'll be there

I'm not a genius

I don't know the square root of 861 Or that if you find the volume of earth And subtract three it equals: who gives a shit

But I know that You are the only person I see a forever with I know that I will love you for an eternity Always and forever

And I'm not rich

I can't promise you A seven bedroom beach house Or a fist full of diamonds

But I can promise a forever I promise to love you will all of my heart and soul I will protect and fight for you every day of my life

I can promise a lifetime of laughs And happiness

They say to never say never Well then...

I promise that I won't ever break your heart and I'll always be by your side. I will love you tomorrow and all the days after that. No one will ever change that.

Oko Ninjah

Harder... Easier...

Its not harder to tell someone how you feel about them. That's not the hard part. It may seem like it because of all the body shaking and heart pounding and breath quickening but its not.

The hard part is all the shit that happens after you tell them how you feel.

You have to deal with the way that deliberately make you jealous and when they intentionally hurt you just because they know they can. Because really, that's what really sucks. Once you tell them how you feel, everything changes.

You're giving someone the power to break your heart with just one word and trusting them not to.

See? It'd be easier to hide your feelings and keep your heart intact. Sure... It'll hurt seeing them so happy with someone else, while every inch of your heart and soul screams at you that the person beside them should be you.

But... At least you'd know that you won't get hurt. Because it does hurt. Hurts like hell. Everything falls apart inside of you and... Your heartbeat ripples through your body at the sound of their voice.

So yeah... The harder way, isn't as hard as you think.