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#life shit – @fckenjournal on Tumblr
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@fckenjournal / fckenjournal.tumblr.com

. recently lost everything and everyone i ever cared and loved . saw a sign and now I’m running with it . wasted time and wasted space . but I need to find a way out of this place .
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I feel like there’s no hope which is why I tried two weeks ago. That day, was one of the worst days of my life. Because there was nothing I could do to change my mind, there was no reason to find. Just because they’re hospital staff doesn’t mean I automatically trust them. Not only that but I want to know how they can convince me that I should be alive, when I couldn’t even convince myself. What would they see? When I see nothing.

Oko Ninjah (today/things I can’t tell my family)

#oko ninjah#depression#my depression#anxiety#ptsd#fucking hell#depression quotes#aaaaaaah#life shit#fuck life and shit#fuck fuck fuck#bleh#oko ninjah quotes#oko ninjah writings#today#maybe#my suicide
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My aunty Jeannie took me driving with my aunty Barbara in aunty Barbara’s mustang and I sat in the backseat.. And I’m pretty tall so I tilted my head back and looked up and saw through the back windshield - And it was great. It was like I felt what Charlie felt in the perks of being a wallflower when he was driving with Sam and Patrick the first time… Like, I get how fucking pathetic I sound right now but this actually meant something to me because it was really the closest thing I’ve felt to being happy since before my mom died. I felt infinite, you know? And it was just for a moment but I felt it. I felt like I mattered - the fucking nothing that I am. I felt like I mattered. And the moment passed and I really wish it hadn’t.

Oko Ninjah (like I mattered)

#oko ninjah#life shit#fuck life#moment#moments that mattered#mustang#driving#oko ninjah quotes#lgbt lesbian quotes#the perks of being a wallflower#charlie#i felt that#oko ninjah writings#hawaiian writer#hawaiian lesbian writer#bleh#fuck
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The truth is, I look in the mirror - I don't even need to look in the mirror. I don't like me - I hate every inch, every part, every bit of myself. So you hate me, someone I went to school with hates me - its whatever. Because the only person who hates me more than anyone... is me.

Oko Ninjah

#depression#depression hate#depressed#depressed quotes#hate#hate auotes#fuck#you hate me?#so do i#your hate is nothing compared to mine#fuck it#life's bullshit#life shit#some shit#life quotes#bullshit#oko ninjah#oko ninjah quotes#oko ninjah writings
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What Happens...

What happens when the woman you love just doesn’t exist? And the one who does, doesn’t give a shit What happens when darkness turns to light? And you realize that you’re just not all right What happens when your soft sobs turn to violent screams? And you try to overpower them with a happy dream What happens when people say they care? But your heart skips and there’s no one there… What happens? You crack Then tremble And shatter completely You feel alone in a crowded room And all you focus on is not killing yourself Thats what happens…

#writings#depression#life shit#life quotes#true shit#fucking hell#oko ninjah writings#oko ninjah quotes#hawaii#hawaiian lesbian writer#hawaiian writer#oko ninjah#some shit
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I know I seem like I'm fine. Like being out in public is okay as long as I've got my coin (my anchor). I talk about movies and music and even sex like I'm fine - like I'm okay, like I'm better. But I'm not. I have to fight with myself to not breakdown - to not give in to an anxiety attack or an episode of anger. Especially sex. I mean, watching a sex scene in a movie is difficult for me now. Hearing the word rape or molestation - even if people are laughing or making a joke about it... Its not a joke to me. It triggers something inside me and I can't always stop it. But being out in public is always the hardest and when I'm at my family's house, especially because I live on an island. Because I worry about running into someone, someone that I don't want to see. Someone that would trigger something inside me and I don't know what would happen in that situation. I don't talk about my feelings but I just had to let this out somehow... I know I seem fine and even if people read this and they somehow ask me and even bring this up and show me it, I'll deny it. But I'm not okay. I'm deteriorating all the time. And its starting to take effect and wear me down. And the only reason I'm talking about movies and music and sex, is because when people catch that you're uncomfortable, they do one of two things. One, tease you and try to make it funny - even though you and they know that its not. Or two, they treat you like you're crazy.

Oko Ninjah (not okay)

#writings#mental health#uncomfortable#truth#confession#i will deny this#even if you show me this#oko ninjah#oko ninjah writings hawaii#oko ninjah writings#hawaii mental health#fuck#life shit#some words#ugh
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M¥ 《e9re$$!0n...

Even when people say that I can talk to them, I always feel that I can't because of how I had to lock it inside for so long. I'm so afraid of having them choose between me and him, even when they say that there is no choice.... But when you're dying inside and its torturing you to bits locking it inside, while everyone's worried about him and talking about him and you still have to deal with him and see him and feel shattered all the time - just constantly... It doesn't matter if you say that I can talk to you, I'll always feel like I can't because of how long I've had to lock it inside. Fuck

#some shit#oko ninjah#oko ninjah writings#oko ninjah quotes#hawaii#hawaiian writer#hawaiian lesbian writer#quotes and writings#life and whatever#life#life shit#life quotes#fuck#fucking hell
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I don’t know how people do it. How they get up in the morning and care and go to work and eat and laugh and smile - I don’t know how they do it. Because its so hard for me. The only reason I wake up is because I can’t sleep anymore even though I want to. And caring? I haven’t cared about anything since - I can’t even remember. Don’t call me selfish. Because selfish people only care about themselves and that’s definitely not a factor. I’m pretending all the time. The smiles and laughs and conversations - they’re not real. I’m doing it for them and I don’t even know why. You know whats real? The scars on my arms. The scars on my chest. The scar that is permanently engraved where I imagine my heart continues to ache… Those are real. But we don’t talk about it because talking about it would mean that I don’t know, someone cares which is… unlikely. I spend days waiting for the comfort of sleep because then at least I don’t have to pretend in my dreams. And I want to say something, I want to just cry and stop pretending but I can’t… Because they’ll choose him - they already have.

Oko ninjah (things my ‘family’ doesn’t know)

#lesbian#oko ninjah#oko ninjah quotes#hawaii#life shit#just writing#bullshit writing#fuck#family?#self harm#see my scars#pretending
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