Things can’t be fixed

Because there is nothing to fix

It’s hard and it’s heartbreaking

But you can’t fix things…

When one person no longer cares

That’s just

Facts

Missing her is the most painful thing I have to deal with everyday

Because I won’t let myself, not at first

But then I let a little in

And like choppy waters, they start to slowly engulf me

Missing her is more painful than when people I loved left the world

Because there are parts of me -

My heart, my thoughts, my soul, my being -

They all left along with her

And you can say that I’m being dramatic

Or that “feelings aren’t real”

But it’s like parts of me are hollow -

Like they’re open wounds that won’t heal

And trust me, I know

This is incredibly pathetic

And just so everyone knows

I promise I’m not holding my breath

I’m not holding out for hope

I’m not that fucken stupid

I just still am…

Well, you already know

I refuse to say it loud

I regret ever saying it to begin with

Because yeah, people have left me before

They’ve even thrown me away before

Just -

Not like this

I just wish I could talk to her

I’ve had both good and bad news and she’s the only person I’ve been wanting to tell them about

I’ve been texting but she just sends pictures of the dogs

Which I really appreciate and love because god I miss them too

I just want to talk to her

Hear about her day

Hear about her dreams

Her newest meditation that I think doesn’t work on me but she wants me to try because maybe it could

I am so sorry that I fucked up

Maybe I got too comfortable

Maybe I just failed at your expectations

Because I just did too much

I just am a lot

I just wanted so much more than 5 years

More than 50 years

I wanted forever, the rest of our lives

4 months…

And I haven’t seen her

I miss her so much

My chest physically tightens

No, really

It feels like a cramp under my left breast

But it’s my own fault

I just…

Don’t want us to end

We’re endgame

I still believe that

Could this just be a blip?

A second chance in the making?

Could this just be the thing that makes us stronger and closer?

No…

How can it be?

I’m not getting any response

She wasn’t my first kiss

But she’s the kiss I miss the most

She’s the kiss I crave and ache for

She’s the kiss that made my lips stain with the touch of hers…

And hopefully I feel that for the rest of my life

Because I will forever miss her kiss

Maybe I loved her too much

Maybe I wasn’t good enough

Maybe she left me here

Because I was held back by fear

Maybe I fucked up a lot

Maybe the fuck ups didn’t stop

Maybe I said too many sorrys

That’s why she doesn’t love me

Maybe I wasn’t too brave

Maybe I misbehaved

Maybe I was too scared to lose her

That’s why we aren’t together

Maybe I messed it all up

Maybe she thought I didn’t give a fuck

Maybe she just didn’t know

That she was where I called home

Maybe she was just fed the fuck up

Maybe my love just wasn’t enough

Maybe we weren’t going to make it

Because she probably faked it

Maybe only I was in love

Maybe only I have issues with trust

Maybe I took too long to get passed it

And she got sick of my shit

Maybe I was too weak

For hours, I didn’t need to speak

Maybe my silence was too loud

Maybe all I did was let her down

Maybe that’s why she left

With my heart and breath

Maybe 5 years was all I get

But damn… how quick did she forget

Funny how we went from talking all day

To not talking at all

Funny how we went from seeing each other everyday

To not seeing each other at all

Funny how you used to love me

Now I don’t even cross your mind

Funny how you used to tell me

That forever was for you and I

Funny how that used to be true

Now nothing makes any sense at all

Funny how we used to be so close

Now I’ve never felt more far apart

Funny how our kisses used to mean everything

But I don’t even remember our last kiss

Funny how you said you’d love me forever

But it’s only been 5 years

Oh yeah that’s not funny

It’s sad

All I had to give was my heart

And it wasn’t enough

So I wasn’t enough- I’m not enough

It sucks

To see her love everyone so much

And to know I’m not one of them

Her heart’s not broken

Hell, she’s probably relieved

That she no longer cares

That she no longer has to deal with me

She’s not thinking of me

Or wondering what I’m doing

It doesn’t matter that my hearts broke

It doesn’t matter that I miss this woman

She doesn’t care that I miss her

Or that my lips are stained with her touch

She doesn’t care that I’m sorry

Because In reality, I’m just not enough

Not enough to love or care about

Certainly not even to stay

Which is probably why she left me here

In a completely different state

She was over me so quick -

That she left me in another place

She didn’t want to love me

Or call or text or to even see my face

I’m not worthy of her

I always said she would leave

But she said she wasn’t like the others

And like a pathetic idiot, I believed

I fucked up

And she realized that I’m not worth it…

She realized I really am nothing

She realized that I don’t matter

She realized she doesn’t love me

She realized that I’m not important

She realized that I don’t need to be there

She realized it’s been long enough

She realized that she no longer cared

She realized that I’m not good enough

She realized my kisses no longer mattered

She realized that neither did my touch

She realized she didn’t need to talk to me

She realized that I’m just not enough

She realized she could ignore texts

She realized that the sound of her voice would break me

She realized I wouldn’t call her -

Because the pauses in between would be deafening

She realized that I my biological family was still around

She realized that, oh and this is the best

She realized that I’m just not anything at all

So like the others, she left

No it’s okay…

I kind of always knew you weren’t going to love me for the rest of our lives anyway

…it’s..fine…

I wanted head but not the ache…

Love me like you mean it

Love me like you care

Love me like it matters -

Whether or not I’m there

Love me like the rain

Slow then all at one time

A drizzle that leads to a hurricane

Yet you keep the rainbow in mind

Love me like I matter

Like my kisses mean the world

Love me like you give a shit

Like I’m your only girl

But you don’t love me like you mean it

You don’t love me like the rain

My kisses don’t mean the world

If I’m there or not, it’s all the same

I don’t matter to you

And my eyes don’t hold the stars

But yours hold galaxies

And I can’t help but love all you are

I love you like the wind

You can’t see it but it’s there

You can feel me through your clothes

Through your fingers and through your hair

I love you like it hurts

Like looking at you pains me

But looking away is torture

I’d rather you be the only thing I see

I love you like you matter

Because to me, you do

And your kisses stop my breath

They stop everything in the room

You don’t love me and that’s fine

You don’t have to love me back

But I’m in love with you

I just don’t know how to stop that

-fckenjournal

You dance when there isn't even music on

Honestly just off of that, I feel that you're the one

Tell me, tell me

What I've gotta do

Just to stay here forever with you

I swear your brown eyes have color too

Orange, purple, red and even frickin blue

I don't, I don't

Know how that's true

But I swear it's only with you

And you do this little thing when you're nervous

You fidget with your hands and bite your lip

I think, I think

That it's cute

And nothing's as cute as you

Your lips have to be some kind of sweet

Like every time we kiss, I'm swept off my feet

How the, how the

Fuck is that possible

Like all my problems, you solve them all

(to be continued...)

-fckenjournal (you)

She lights up the room, she lights up my world .. she changes the temperature and there's a shift in the galaxy because of the currents around the way she walks... And I'm in love with her.

I woke up more in love with her this morning… and i don’t even know how that’s possible. I woke up mesmerized by her beauty. Starting with her eyes… Oh God, the color of her eyes pauses my galaxy!! Then the flow of her hair and the scrunching of her nose… Cute. Just absolutely fucking cute. The curve of her lips and how she gently bites her bottom one when she’s thinking… Tantalizing. The way her skin is soft and how her fingers fit perfectly through mine… Heart stopping. I’ve woken up this morning as if I’ve fallen in love with her all over again. I’m stealing glances, I’m nervous and slightly shaking, my heart flutters when I look at her - her voice makes my body quiver… I am so in love with her. She’s brilliant.

ummmm