Things can’t be fixed
Because there is nothing to fix
It’s hard and it’s heartbreaking
But you can’t fix things…
When one person no longer cares
That’s just
Facts
Missing her is the most painful thing I have to deal with everyday
Because I won’t let myself, not at first
But then I let a little in
And like choppy waters, they start to slowly engulf me
Missing her is more painful than when people I loved left the world
Because there are parts of me -
My heart, my thoughts, my soul, my being -
They all left along with her
And you can say that I’m being dramatic
Or that “feelings aren’t real”
But it’s like parts of me are hollow -
Like they’re open wounds that won’t heal
And trust me, I know
This is incredibly pathetic
And just so everyone knows
I promise I’m not holding my breath
I’m not holding out for hope
I’m not that fucken stupid
I just still am…
Well, you already know
I refuse to say it loud
I regret ever saying it to begin with
Because yeah, people have left me before
They’ve even thrown me away before
Just -
Not like this
It sucks
To see her love everyone so much
And to know I’m not one of them
No it’s okay…
I kind of always knew you weren’t going to love me for the rest of our lives anyway
…it’s..fine…
‘If you love me, you’d wait’
'Yeah I would. I would wait however long it took, because I love you. But what if I asked you to wait? Would you? Honestly, would you? Could you? Because you couldn’t before. And if you love me, why would you ask me to wait? Am I not good enough for you, right now? Because it doesn’t matter if it’s now or next year or in the next century, I would wait for you and I would still love you. Is it because you have a better offer? Because there was someone else who wanted you before. Is that it? Is there someone else whose heart beats for you and collapses whenever your gone? Why wait? Why wait if you love me and I love you? Why ask me to wait? Because I can wait.. But I shouldn’t have to. I deserve better than that. And even if I don’t, I know that I deserve more than that’
Oko Ninjah (honestly pt. 2)
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It breaks my heart to see you and not be able to hold your hand or to kiss you or to tell you how much I love you. What I mean is, it breaks my heart to see you and not be able to openly love you anymore.
Oko Ninjah (confession #395548087)
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We were together. I didn’t need or want anyone else… At the end of the day I had you and that was more than enough, it was more than I deserved. I was happy, I was in love. So when you just broke my heart - it shattered me. I was lost because the only direction I knew led me to you and I wasn’t allowed to go there anymore. I didn’t cheat or lie or hide things from you because you were everything I loved. So don’t come around saying you miss me, don’t text me at 2am saying you want to stop by because I still feel for you. My heart still throbs for you even though you broke it. I hate you for hurting me just not enough to be smart enough to not let you in.
Oko Ninjah (confession #4528)
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I just need to tell you the truth
That I love you but my heart isn't shatter proof
If you drop it, it will break
And I don't think that's a risk that I'm willing to take
Oko Ninjah (risk)
I miss her... I miss holding her in my arms, against my body. I miss just laying beside her and listening to her breathe. I miss kissing her. I miss the way she tastes. How she would stain my lips and ruin them for anyone else and everything else because she's the best taste I've ever tasted. I miss making love to her. How we would compete to make the other orgasm and how we knew just where to touch, where to lick to make the other go crazy. I miss being wrapped in her body. I miss just laying naked beside her and not touching each other, to just gaze at her beauty. I miss that. I miss her. I miss laughing and smiling because of her ridiculous jokes. I miss seeing her smile because her smile makes me feel like the world is at peace. I miss having everything I love and cared about right beside me. I miss waking up and calling her just to hear half awake voice, that dream like voice of hers. I miss hearing her say my name. I miss seeing her eyes light up when she's happy. I miss her yelling at me because I ate her stash of cookies. I miss her hugs and how warm her arms are. I miss how she'd call me an idiot because I say the wrong things sometimes. But I am an idiot. I'm an idiot for letting her get away. I'm an idiot for not loving her right. And all I can do now is miss her.
And I would give anything, everything to not miss her.
Oko Ninjah (missing)
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I loved you. I really fucking loved you and you shattered me... Into nothing but ashes. So don't stand there and say you care because there's no evidence to support that. All you did was break me and make me question myself. So leave. Go. Do the one thing you've always done and leave. I don't need you here, I don't want you here. Yes I miss you but I'm not listening to that part of myself anymore. Its no longer screaming for you. Its barely a whisper now. I loved you more than anything, more than anyone... But your love was toxic and it felt more like hate. So keep it. I don't want it anymore and I don't want you.
I'm done.
Oko Ninjah (done)
I wish I was good enough for you. I wish I could love you the way you should be loved. I want to love you like that but I'll fuck it up, I know I will. I'm not programmed like that. Your heart is filled with smiles and heartbreak but also heart repairs, you've got family and friends and dreams and jokes in there. And mine is darkened filled with despair and negative relief, cigarette ashes and coffee grounds and its all drenched in whiskey and unforgettable nightmares. It'll ruin yours and I don't want to do that. I wish I was good enough, I wish I could give you more and be more for you - I wish, I fucking wish I could love you the way you should be loved, how you deserve to be loved. But I can't because I won't ever be that good. I'm sorry. You don't know how sorry I am. I'm so sorry that I've let you down.
Oko Ninjah (won't be good enough)
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What happened? We were okay. We kissed, hugged, laughed, made love just hours ago - what happened? You need to tell me because it doesn't make any sense to me. I had you in my arms, in that same bed and now you're wrapped up in another's body. What happened? Wha-what did I do wrong? Please, just tell me. I'm spinning and I can't make sense of this. I can't think. I loved you, I love you - even now seeing you naked with someone else, I love you. My heart's in shock or it's beating silently because I can't hear it, I can't feel it. What happened? What did I do to deserve this pain? This betrayal? Am I that easy to discard? What happened?
Oko Ninjah (The Ramblings Of A Heart In Shock)
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I was drinking and suddenly I missed you. And I forgot to forget you. I thought I had. But there I was, with a third of whiskey remaining in the bottle and there you were, pushed from the back of my mind to the front of my heart in neon colors. I missed the freckles on your cheeks and how you smelled of rain. And I missed eating pop tarts for breakfast with you and watching courage the cowardly dog reruns on boomerang and I missed how I didn't have to miss you... because I had you beside me. And now you were gone. I was alone in a room with a third of whiskey left and it wasn't nearly enough to shove you back to the deepest corners of my mind. But I tried. It didn't work. I missed you and I collapsed with the rush of feelings I kept hidden and I couldn't even protect myself because all my strength went to pretending my heart didn't ache for you.
And now it was shattering in front of me and all I could do was feel every piece of it crumble and miss you.
Oko Ninjah (forgot to forget)
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She walked away, she left me. Yet she's pissed at me for not chasing after her. She left to see if I would chase her and I stayed because she could just leave and use my feelings against me like that. She played a game she thought she would win and got angry when I didn't let her.
Oko Ninjah (nonsense games)
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“How could you kiss her? What, did I mean nothing to you?
What did you expect me to do? I finally convince my heart to stop beating for you, to just muffle itself because the screaming within it was deafening. I finally give in and go out to distract myself over the fact that I miss you so fucking much. You moved on - while we were still together or have you forgotten that? And I just - I didn’t want to keep missing you. I didn’t want to feel the shattered thing in my chest tighten anymore. So yeah, I kissed her. I kissed her because all I could do was think of all the times our lips met and how numb they felt without yours. I kissed her and you know what? I’m gonna kiss more girls until I get the taste of you off of my lips. I’m gonna drink until I get the memory of you out of my head. And I’m gonna take as many drugs I have to until I get the ache out of my chest.
Another thing… You meant everything to me. I meant that. And I wish you didn’t because now everything is just worthless. I have to transition back to a world where I walk down the street without holding your hand, back to a world where breakfast is just black coffee and a blueberry muffin because I only made pancakes for you. I have to go back to a world where I don’t have you. You. Meant. Everything. It’s me who is nothing… To you.
So yes, I kissed her. I’m going to keep kissing girls until I stop feeling like nothing. I’m going to kiss girls until I learn to feel nothing.
Oko Ninjah (Kissing Girls To Forget Her)
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As far as I knew you were my heart. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for you. If you were hungry, I’d get you food. If you were happy, I’d celebrate with you. If you were sad, I wouldn’t stop until I made you laugh and smile. If ever you were lonely, I wouldn’t leave your side. I would make you the most important person in the world because thats what you were to me. So when you say you cheated, that you fucked your ex because you were afraid I was doing it to you - it doesn’t make any sense to me. I love you - love, because I still fucking love you even after finding you in bed with him. You’re all I’ve ever wanted, you are the only thing I’ve ever cared about. There was nothing before you and nothing after you, thats how much you meant to me. Why would I fuck that up? Why would I ever look at another girl? Why would I look somewhere else when all I ever wanted or needed was you… Why would I fuck everything up? Why would I throw it all away for just a fuck?
Why did you?
Oko Ninjah (no sense)