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#hawaii mental health – @fckenjournal on Tumblr
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@fckenjournal / fckenjournal.tumblr.com

. recently lost everything and everyone i ever cared and loved . saw a sign and now I’m running with it . wasted time and wasted space . but I need to find a way out of this place .
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Do you notice my twitches? How I fidget with myself, my hands always gripping something? Have you seen the way my breath quickens and how I find it hard to breathe? Or that my chest tightens frequently? Maybe you've seen my body shake and my words start to stutter when I try to speak more than four words, have you? Or that if I don't have my coin (my anchor) I spaz out? Because that's what you do to me. I lose words, I can't seem to control my body. Or is that what you want me to do? You want control over me. It's stopping me from doing things I'm supposed to do. My mind races and sometimes it's not even thoughts, it's just words circling my mind. They don't even make sense most of the time, they're just there. Circling. I need you to stop. Because I need it to stop. I can't breathe. I can't keep doing this. I'm already pathetic. I don't need you to add more pressure. Please stop.

Oko Ninjah (to my anxiety, paranoia, and other mental problems)

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People say I'm insane because I physically hurt myself. Why? When I tell people my head hurts and say its not a headache they say, when I say my thoughts are eating at me, they say to just stop feeling that way. So I hurt myself. Because that pain makes sense. And I don't have to tell anyone, I don't need to explain anything because its obvious. It can be seen. So call me insane, go ahead. But I need an outlet because no one's listening. I'm not being heard.

Oko Ninjah (unheard)

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People say it's pathetic that when I’m out with a bunch of people, I can only stand it if I’m high, drinking or hurting myself physically. Being around a lot of people fucks with my head, I get lightheaded really easy and shut myself down. I start looking at the ground and away from people, I get silent. So I drink or get high because it gives me false confidence to interact with people. And if I’m not doing one of those two things, I’m hurting myself physically because I’m in pain and I’m too busy being in pain to realize that I’m surrounded by a bunch of people… So yeah, pathetic… sounds about right.

Oko Ninjah (confession #006)

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I missed therapy today… I didn’t feel like feeling more like shit. I didn’t feel like having to pretend that I’m okay so they won’t send to me the hospital again. I didn’t feel like lying to another person about not wanting to kill myself. I didn’t feel like going because I barely feel.. anything

Oko ninjah (Therapy)

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b4 with the shrinks...

shrink: talking about what happened makes you feel better. have you talked about it with anyone?
me: i talked to my aunty about it and a couple other people.
shrinks: did it make you feel better?
me: no it didn't, i didn't feel better.
shrink: no?
me: i felt worse because not only do they have their own shit to deal with but they started making excuses and blaming alcohol that wasn't there.
*me being frustrated, digs nails into palm*
me: talking doesn't make me feel better
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I sat there... With fresh cuts on my arms, tears in my eyes and a plan for suicide in my head. They spoke to me as if I could hear them through the throbbing pain that was the crumbs of my heart. 'It gets better' I just sat there, staring at the ground. I bit my bottom lip them wiped the tears out of my eyes. 'It gets better' they repeated as if I weren't right there in front of them. It gets better, everyone says that. I know already, it gets better. And they said, 'Just because you can't see it right now doesn't mean it won't. It gets better and you should be around to see it' I shook my head then stood up. I calmed the voice in my head that was suicide then turned my back to them. 'It gets better? Yeah, I get it already. It gets fucking better. But it really feels like its getting worse. I should be around for when it does, you think I don't want to be? Hmm?' I turned to them and faced them. 'Do you know what goes on in my head? What replays over and over and over again? I cut because it makes it stop. I smoke weed, I drink, I fuck - because they make it stop. And I know its not long term but four hours, five without the mental torture I have to deal with is worth it...' I turned away from them then started walking away. 'You want me to be here when it gets better? I have to do this until it does. Trust me, it hurts me a lot more than it hurts you...'

Oko Ninjah (it gets fucking better)

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I know I seem like I'm fine. Like being out in public is okay as long as I've got my coin (my anchor). I talk about movies and music and even sex like I'm fine - like I'm okay, like I'm better. But I'm not. I have to fight with myself to not breakdown - to not give in to an anxiety attack or an episode of anger. Especially sex. I mean, watching a sex scene in a movie is difficult for me now. Hearing the word rape or molestation - even if people are laughing or making a joke about it... Its not a joke to me. It triggers something inside me and I can't always stop it. But being out in public is always the hardest and when I'm at my family's house, especially because I live on an island. Because I worry about running into someone, someone that I don't want to see. Someone that would trigger something inside me and I don't know what would happen in that situation. I don't talk about my feelings but I just had to let this out somehow... I know I seem fine and even if people read this and they somehow ask me and even bring this up and show me it, I'll deny it. But I'm not okay. I'm deteriorating all the time. And its starting to take effect and wear me down. And the only reason I'm talking about movies and music and sex, is because when people catch that you're uncomfortable, they do one of two things. One, tease you and try to make it funny - even though you and they know that its not. Or two, they treat you like you're crazy.

Oko Ninjah (not okay)

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