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. recently lost everything and everyone i ever cared and loved . saw a sign and now I’m running with it . wasted time and wasted space . but I need to find a way out of this place .

‘What if we never see each other again? What if I never get to hear your voice again? What if we just stop talking and occasionally wonder what the other is doing but we have no line of contact?’ All these questions were coming out of her mouth like water from an over filled pool. I didn’t know what to say because it scared me just as much. But I didn’t want her to know that, I didn’t want to let her see that it scared me just as much as it scared her. I pulled her in my arms and held her and just said, ‘Then I won’t forget you’ She wrapped her arms around me and I repeated, 'I won’t forget you. I’ll have this new break in my heart with your name written all over it and I won’t be able to forget you’. She pulled me down by my neck and kissed me. We stayed together for a few months but the distance got to us. We wanted to hold each other and kiss each other and phone calls and videos and skype wasn’t the same. I needed her in my arms, she needed my hands in hers and we couldn’t take not having that. But I didn’t forget her. We actually still speak. But its not the same. I’ll always miss her and wonder what we could have been…

Oko Ninjah (wondering)

I am conflicted… It hurts to look at you and to not look at you. And my heart can’t register which pain is worse. I just know that they’re both a pain I can live with. Because to look at you or the ghost of you that is left when you’re away is incredible - they leave traces in my blood that no test could ever detect.

Oko Ninjah (conflict)

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We were an inch way from each other. I could feel her lips on mine before I even leaned forward and made contact with them. And then I did. I kissed her because the suspense was torture and I just had to feel her lips, I had to get a taste of them. I don't know how long it lasted. To be honest, time didn't seem to exist when our lips were together. But she pulled away and looked me in the eyes then said, 'don't ruin me, okay?' And I just smiled at her. Her brows lifted, 'what? its not funny. don't ruin me' I kissed her lightly on the lips and when I pulled away, our eyes met again. 'I couldn't ruin you even I wanted to, I'm too far gone. I'm lost in you. Its you' I locked my fingers through hers and she smiled then asked, 'its me?' I nodded. 'Its you that'll ruin me' Her smile faded but mine reappeared and I shrugged, 'but its okay. to be ruined by you, what a wonderful way to be ruined' There it was again, that smile followed by a laugh, 'you're such a dork' she said. And yes, I was a dork but it didn't make my words any less true.

Oko Ninjah (ruined)

Fuck, she’s like a cigarette. I know she’s bad for me, I know she’ll make me ill and I just couldn’t care less. I’m too far gone. I’m addicted to her nicotine laced voice and eyes that drip toxic chemicals with every blink. I’m dizzy from her sweet tar dipped lips and I’ve already signed a death contract with her. It’s inevitable - she’s fucked me up.

Oko ninjah (addicted pt. 2)

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She's the only person who I can stay on the phone with and just listen to her breathe or laugh or cry or rant about things and not put on hold or just end the call. I mean if I have to use the bathroom or shower or get the mail or do something, I put her on speaker and listen to her. I listen to every word she says, to every laugh, to every breath, to every sob - I'm listening and I love our conversations or just our sound makings. She's the only person I can do that with. No really, I mean it. Unless it's her, I don't even answer phone calls. Fuck bill collectors and the doctor about an appointment I'm not going to anyway, my bad to my siblings but the only phone calls I'm taking is hers.

Oko Ninjah (one caller)

I like spending time with you or as I like to call it, wasting away with love. You kind of hate it but I love it. You're always reading a book or an article about something I don't care about or trying to watch an episode of TVD or another show. And I'm just there, playing with your fingers - locking mine through yours. Or I'm kissing you all over your face blocking your view of something you're trying to do. I love it. Just being near you. Even when we're not physically around each other, you're still around. But we don't need to speak or touch each other, just having you in the same room as me is enough. It's probably the most intimate thing I've ever experienced; just me and you existing beside one another holding the key to each other's hearts - it's intoxicating, really.

Oko Ninjah (existing)

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If I kiss you, don't say I'm kissing you because I want to make someone else jealous. I kiss you because my lips feel a hell of a lot better when they're against yours. I kiss you because I want to, because kissing you is the only way in that moment to make you feel the little bliss you make me feel. Not because I want to make someone jealous... Though they should be. Because I'm kissing you and they're not.

Oko Ninjah (kisses pt. 2)

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Dear The Girl I Like (God, I hope you read this),

It’s my fault. You didn’t do anything wrong, it’s me. I’ve pulled away because I can’t just be your friend. And I know it’s ridiculous and it’s selfish but it’s true. I’m not selfish, not usually. But in this case, with you - I am. Because I’m getting too close to you, I’m caring. I mean, I actually genuinely care about you. But I’m not allowed to be with you. I pulled away because I don’t just like you. I fucking love you.

There’s no way that I could be in your life and not be in your heart as much as you are in mine by being just your friend. I can’t talk to you and keep containing the fact that I want you to know how much you mean to me. I can’t hear about your ex anymore because I think she’s an idiot for breaking your heart. I can’t just be your friend and I’m sorry for that.

How could anyone break your heart? God, if I even had a chance to gaining access to it - I’d keep it safe and in tact at all times. I love you. Too much for me to explain. I’m trying to explaim now but the words aren’t there. It won’t make any sense because I’m completely scrambled when it comes to you.

I’m sorry. I am. I’m so sorry for just leaving without an explanation but I’m embarrassed because I have no right to even like you let alone love you but I do. And I just pulled away making you think you did something wrong and you didn’t. It’s me. It’s my fault. I’m sorry but I love you and I can’t be just your friend.

Always, Oko

The way I feel about her is like how that guy in The Magicians explained magic. You don't see color and then go back to black and white. She broke into my walls and pulled me into this neon laced galaxy and if she were to ever step away from me, it would all just be revoked. She is magic and I knew it existed in the world, I just didn't think it'd be within one person and that I would love her.

Oko Ninjah (magic)

I'm just saying, if I was in love, you would know. The world around us would know. You wouldn't have to ask me because I would make whoever she is the center of my world. Then again, you probably wouldn't know because there's no way in hell that she's going to meet you fucks.

Oko Ninjah (when my family asks if I'm in love)

It wasn't that she was the most beautiful creation I've ever laid my eyes on or that her voice could shatter my world with a few words or that she's the only person who could binge watch horror movies with me while on the phone - it wasn't that when we were together we could just stare at the world in front of us without saying anything to each other and it would still be one of the best days I've ever lived. No. It wasn't because of those reasons. I loved her because she had this gravitational pull about her. And that I always seemed to find it no matter where I was. Even when we broke up, even when she kicked me out, even when we shattered each other's hearts - we would come back to each other. As friends, as neighbors, then in the end - as lovers. That's what it was.

Oko Ninjah (what it was)

Maybe I don't want to shut up. I need to say this, I need to tell you... I've been this fucking miserable prick for years. I've never done anything right and if I did something right I'd end up fucking it up at the last minute. But then you come around telling me to try and for some reason, I did - I tried. And I started being happy. Then last week, I came over to help you move around your apartment. Your gigantic dresser fell on me and you stumbled helping me up, so we both just ended up on the floor laughing. We looked over at each other and I realized something; I'm only ever happy when I'm with you, I'm only ever trying because of you and if I'm ever having a great time when you're not around, you're the first person I want to tell. So I kissed you and you kissed me back. And its been like that for the last week; me kissing you and you kissing me back. Now you're telling me to shut up because you think you're just some girl I'm trying to fuck. But thats just not true. You make me happy, you make me laugh and you make me believe that life isn't just this thing keeping us occupied until we die. I'm not going to shut up because you're not just a conquest or some prize for the night, I want to be with you. I want to kiss you every time I see you and not stop until our lips are blistered. I want to do all those stupid couple things that we make fun of. I want to hold your hand in public and hold you in my arms when we're cold because we're both stupid and didn't bring a jacket. I mean, I want to be in a stupid relationship with you. And I wouldn't ever speak to another woman if it meant that you'd give me a chance. I just need a chance, if you would just give us a chance I would show you how much you've changed me - I'd show you how much I care about you and how much I want to be in your heart. So no, I'm not going to shut up and I'm not sorry either because for the first time I actually want to be with someone and it's you - so I'm not going to let my past fuck with a potential future I could have with you. Just one chance, thats all I need. Just one.

Oko Ninjah (chance)

I was all about moments. I’d just live in the moment with whoever was there. But then she came around and I got a taste - just a graze of her lips and all the moments faded away along with everyone else. It was just her. And I didn’t want just a moment, it wasn't enough - I needed more, I needed her. It's different with her - with us, we aren't a moment. Or maybe we are... but even if we're just a moment I want to make it last as long as I can.

Oko Ninjah (moments stretched into forever)

I texted her: hey, is it okay if we talk? because I'm breaking and I don't even want to talk about it, I just want to talk to you. because you make me feel like I'm not breaking. please, could we talk? honestly you could just talk and it'd still feel like I'm not breaking. And she said: I'm coming over. I'll cover your breaks.

Oko Ninjah (how i know i love her)

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Being with her is like Christmas presents, fireworks for 4th of July and for the new year, all my birthday wishes I’ve ever made came true - all wrapped in one. She makes me feel like all I’ll ever need, all I’ll ever want is in her. And it’s completely true.

Oko Ninjah (best feeling)

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I like her. Like, I genuinely like her. I spend hours daydreaming about walking up to her and slipping my fingers in the spaces between hers and just holding her hand in mine. I spend hours just thinking of ways to say hi to her. 'Hey' No. 'Hiya' Hiya? What the fuck? 'Sup?' Sup? Sup? Oh my god. I spend hours missing her and texting her stupid gifs and memes that hopefully make her smile. I like hearing her voice even if it's just through the phone because she's sick or at work or with her family. When we talk it feels like she's right next to me. And when she is next to me, there's nowhere else I'd rather be.

Oko Ninjah (like)

Everything makes sense when she’s around so wherever she's going, I'm going. And if there’s obstacles, I don't even care - I'll carry her over them. She wants happiness and I'll do whatever I can to make that happen because she's my happiness.

Oko Ninjah (for her)

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