Moments...
There's these... moments. I experience them between the hours of one through three in the morning. You can feel the morning breeze graze across your exposed skin. Goose bumps feel your arms and legs and neck and cheeks. During these moments, I feel like I can do anything. It's like I can do whatever I want. I can be whoever I want.
It's like when I walk down the street. There's no lights. Except the moonlight shining down on me and the rest of the world. There are barely any cars and even so, the streetlights still switch between the colors of red, yello, green. I can walk down the street, listen to music and make my life a music video.
Slowly walking, making everything feel slightly dramatic. The melody of the song playing the same rhythm as my heartbeat. Pretending that there's that specific person that i'm singing to in front of me as if we're playing a game of tag.
During those moments, it's like i'm Superman. Nothing can hurt me and I have this secret identity that no one knows. Which is... The real me. The real Oko. You haven't seen her. You don't know her but she's there and she knows all.
Because, in the end i'm not as stupid as I want everyone to believe I am. I'm not as invisible as everyone thinks I am. I know things about themselves that they don't even think exists.
When i'm in these moments, I think of the things that I notice. The fact that an old classmate of mine... Let's call her Trudy. She's quirky and funny and cute in that happy, emo, asian way. But, you can see it, in her eyes. Even as she's smiling and laughing and telling a joke. You can see it... All the pain and heartache, she tries to hide.
Then there's that athlete. Everyone has that person in their life or if not in their life then they just happen to be there. But, they're there. That athlete that thinks they're invincible and better than everyone else because they can run fast and they have a lot of trophies. When in reality, they push themselves so far to the edge that sometimes they're on their toes trying not to fall.
And, the one everyone calls slut. He/she has a lot of boyfriends/girlfriends and everyone spreads rumors saying that they're easy and that they get their grades and job promotions by sex. Even though the truth is, they have a lot of boyfriends/girlfriends because they're looking for the perfect match for them.
They've been hurt in the past and it felt like a million wrong things happening all at once. They get good grades and job promotions because they have to work their asses off for what they really want. And, I speaking for the real people who are just called slut. Because, in reality, let's be honest. There are just some people who are straight up sluts.
You've got the depressed kids, the suicidal ones, the ones who love either too much or not enough. And, these are not different people. These are the same person with all these emotions.
The depressed kids, the suicidal ones, the ones who love either too much or not enough, they're the ones with the most perspective on life. Even though it hurts them more than anyone, that is the exact same reason why they know how to live their life. Sure, it hurts them. It hurts like f'm hell. But, they get through it because no matter how much it hurts... If they make through it, they know and they say to themselves... "Now I can feel..."
These kids, they don't feel like everyone else. They either feel every once in a while or all the time, all too intensely.
There's also the lover. You know the lover, right? That one person who is there for everything but not everyone. The one who claims to be there for you no matter what but when it comes to it, they're not. Truth is, the lover is only the lover because he/she didn't have a mother of father figure in their life and they're trying to make it up by being that person to other people. But, they're doing it wrong and they know it.
You've got the nerds. No matter what age you are, there will always be nerds. Only when you get older, they're called the technicican person. Truth is the thing about nerds is that everyone is right. Be nice because they will end up being your boss. But, nerds... They're like the depressed kids. They're nerds because they couldn't be anything else.
They've got heartaches like everyone else but it's not with love or friends. It's with their family. They're supposed to be the prodigy kids and their family pushes them to exceed even when they've already exceeded. There's no such thing as one hundered percent good because in their eyes, you can always do better. "Oh, you got an A. You could've gotten an A+". Nothing's ever good enough.
The comedian. Yeah... Yes. Everyone has them. EVERYONE. You could be in a vampire, eating people clan and there is a f'm comedian there. Comedians hurt, probably in the most confusing ways ever. Just because they make people laugh and laugh themselves, it doesn't mean that they don't hurt like everyone else. There pain mostly comes from abuse or ignorance of the other kind.
The abuse and ignorance doesn't necessarily come from family, it could but not always. A lot of times it's from other people. Which is the reason why they're the comedian in the first place. They're the comedian to stop them from doing something stupid to themselves or someone else. It calms them down and keeps them from going completely nuts.
The gay kids (including bi, lesbian and transgender, curious people). There are some that people like and some that people don't. Most of the ones that people like are the ones that they are most likely to hook up with if they try hard enough. The ones that they don't like are the ones that look slightly different. The ones that have that bad-ass, mysterious look in their eyes and that's how people see them.
These gay kids live a difficult life. No matter where they go, they'll have to deal with homophobics. Everywhere. Even in the places that they don't believe there will be any problems. Hawaii, there are a lot of homphobes. Because yes, it is a friendly place. Because of that, there are homophobes. Just because it's a friendly place doesn't mean it'll change how someone feels about people.
Then there are people like me. The ones that are called invisible and stupid because they don't talk. Truth is, we're everyone put in one. We're invisible because that's how we want you to see us. We're stupid because that's what we want you to think.
Chances are that if we were to have a conversation most people couldn't keep it going because they'd have no idea what the hell we were talking about after the first minute or two.
When we hurt, we hurt like hell. Like someone hit us in the head with a steaming hot iron. When we love, we love with everything inside of us. Our heart, our soul... We use every breath in our body. When we fight, we fight because we have to not because we want to. We defend ourselves and the people that we love and care about. When we cry. We cry oceans not rivers. We cry until there isn't any tears left.
Now, I feel all of this in that moment between the hours of one through three in the morning. I can feel the invicinibilty of the athlete, the heartache from the quirky girl, the smiling warmth on my face from the comedian, the longful search for the missing piece of me from the sluts, the pain and frustration from the depressed, suicidal the ones who love too much or not enough, the emptiness feeling of not having an inspiring figure in my life from the lover, the feeling of not being good enough or living up to my parent's expectations from the nerds, I can hear the homophobic slurs from the lips of other people around me from the gay kids, and I feel all of these feelings at once.
Just in that moment. These feelings flood me like a tidal wave in a barbie doll house. All the while, these mixed emotions are tearing at my heart and soul like wolf to a piece of reaw meat but because of the morning breeze numbing my body, i'm Superman. I'm invicible. They don't nearly hurt as much as they should. For a moment, I can feel like i've never felt before.
I live for those moments because it's the only times that I truly feel. That I truly feel anything without wanting to cry and run and hide away from the world.
