A year

A year without her

A year without her touch

A year without her laugh and smile

A year without hearing her voice

A year without love

A year without hope

And I wonder if the moon is placed the same in the sky above you as it is above me… And it probably is, but we are not placed in the same world anymore and I’ll forever regret losing everything and everyone that’s ever mattered to me but starting over night be just the adventure I’ve been waiting for…

Went to the beach…

Early Morning of Day 10:

It’s November 2nd, Saturday morning…

I’m still up

Why?

I do not know

But a lot of…

A lot of thinking’s going on

I am starting to feel a bit defeated but I’ve got to keep the momentum up

Because when it starts to dip, when I notice that it’s dipped - I start to want to text her

That’s all I want to do

But I’m not allowed to do that anymore

Wait, I can do that

But if/when she replies -

It won’t go in depth

I won’t hear any depth to her life

She doesn’t want to hear any depth about mine

I miss them

I still do

12 more days and it’d be exactly one year since she’s left me

Nothing else to do

But

Figure out how to go to sleep

Realization…

I realize I’m hurt and I still miss them and I’m angry but over everything else I’m ashamed

Because I realized it was just a matter of time before she left me

I was so in my head about my “family” that I was miserable and then I became miserable to be around the family I always wished for

I was so angry about the people back in our hometown that I was stupidly pushing away and hurting the people who were my home

So yeah I’m hurt and angry still but I was hurt and angry before them..

And instead of embracing them, her completely

I just let myself become trapped in my own head

I never felt so ashamed

I let it get like that

That I treated them like that

That I behaved like that

I might as well just gave up the night we met

Because, yes it was worth it - to me

But I don’t think it was worth it, for them

Because if you remove me from the picture, if we had never met…

She would’ve done everything - if not then so much more than she did

I held her back

Because yeah I was scared

But I was so scared that I was miserable

And I ruined things for them

I held her back

I’m so ashamed

I should be

I can’t fucken believe I did that

She should’ve left me sooner than that

I got exactly what I deserved

And I left with what I had when we met

Nothing

Not love or friends or genuine emotions

Except being hurt and angry and ashamed

And I should

She deserves so much better, they all do

I wanted to be

But I took too long

And I pushed them away too much and I let them down and I hurt them

Even if it was out of anger

It wasn’t towards them

They did not deserve that

And I deserve to have lost everything like I did

I deserve all this

The breakup and separation

The divorce

I deserve the short texts and I’m lucky

I’m so lucky that she even texts me anything to begin with but so lucky that it includes pictures of the dogs and cat

At any moment, it’s going to stop

And I’ll deserve it

I deserve all of this

Everything that’s ever happened to me

I deserved it

A lot of it I couldn’t control

But this, I could’ve

I don’t try to fix things with them because that’s what happens when you keep letting people down - especially if you’re coming into their family before they become yours…

You keep fucking up and then they realize that they could just leave you at any point because they’re a family before you, they’re a family without you too -

They just won’t be your family anymore

So I can keep writing they’re my family, they’re my home

But they’re not saying it too

They’re not thinking it

I’m not even an echo in a memory

If life’s a book

I’m not even in theirs

I can say that I’d want to be in their lives or that I love them and want to fix things and I’m sorry

Because it’s true

But it doesn’t matter if no one cares anymore

It doesn’t matter because all I want right now, something I can control

Is that sign I got

Thats what I’m focused on

I just needed to get this out of my head

Day 5: I…

Am getting housing papers but I need to pick them up. I’m probably not going to even turn them until like January or February …

I need to save up some money before even doing that so I can pay bills and have some money leftover

I’m nervous as fuck about moving out on my own but I don’t really care because I’m on edge living in a house with a rapist and people who lie for him

I’m ready to just do it

At this point I just have to do it all, everything I have to do to get out of this house, be mentally healthy, be emotionally stable and get to that blissful sign I was given

I’m nervous or scared?

Who gives a shit already

I’m nervous and scared all the fucken time but that is just fine

I’m going to get there

No matter what

If it kills be oh fucken well

I’d rather die trying than die accepting everything

I’m getting it done

Until I’m done

Or until it kills me

Whichever comes first or whatever happens to happen -

I hope it’s getting it done and achieving that goal

I really want to make it there

Day 4: The psychiatrist..

Emailed me back and I have a zoom call with them on the 6th at 1:00pm… I’m nervous yet excited….

Nervous because I can’t get my medical records unless I sign a release form from the new psychiatrist because I’m not in Vegas with my previous one, excited because I can get back on my meds.

I didn’t get paid yet which is a complete mind fuck…

It usually comes in direct deposit on the 26th or early morning on the 25th…

But each check is actually supposed to come in on the 30th-31st (end of the month) or the 1st of every month…

Maybe they caught that I was getting it on the 26th, 25th…

I don’t know, kind of sucks but hey, that’s life rn

It’s going to suck because I’m trying to make something happen out of nothing

It’s funny because when she left me I mainly remember her saying this one thing

Which was:

You have people who love you

No I don’t

I don’t feel stupid

I am stupid

I wish the night we met, I didn’t stay and talk and drink with her…

I wish I went through with my plan and that I was never saved

But you know what?

It’s too late for that

There’s no Time Machine

I did stay and talk and drink with her

I didn’t go through with my plan

Fast forward and I’m here now

Back with my “dad” who is walking free even though he raped my cousin and tried to do shit with my other cousin

Near the other side of my family who are addicts, mentally and physically abusive and have touched, have fooled around with each other as if it’s fucken normal and who all talk and hang out with my rapist and pretend like they never heard that he raped me

I just really

I just really want to be able to breathe without a tightness in my chest

I don’t know

But hopefully I get to that

What I want isn’t going to happen

That’s just the fucken truth

But what’s going to happen is that sign full of bliss I was given

I know that much

And I will literally die trying to get it

I don’t give a fuck

I literally have nothing to lose

Except my life

And how pathetic and meaningless it already is

Like I said…

I literally have nothing to lose

Day 3: It’s Saturday so…

I called a bunch of doctors yesterday, psychiatrists and therapists and the eye doctors again…

I’m waiting to hear back from the psychiatrists. The therapists I called, the ones that I called don’t take my insurance and the eye doctors did answer and I have an appointment for Tuesday at 2:45pm.

The psychiatrist I emailed, filled out initial and general forms for them, even downloaded a fucken app because they said that was the only way to make an appointment.

Anyway, the app wasn’t working and it was frustrating me so I ended up just calling them… They said they would email me a list of appointments to choose from but again, it’s Saturday. They’re closed now so I’m most likely either not going to hear from them or I’m not going to hear from them until probably Monday or some time next week.

I’m happy about the eye doctors though… A bitch be blind lol.

Idk starting all this is just taking me closer to that sign of bliss I was given

And I’ve only told one person about it but not even all of it because she wouldn’t believe me

It was a blissful sign

But not like a clear one

It wasn’t a picture in my head with me and people who love me or anything like that

It was just a feeling

I had just watched a reel on IG and then I had taken a break because my eyes were sore. I closed my eyes and felt this sensation wash over my body..

And it felt like cool, refreshing rain covering my body after a hot day playing outside… It felt peaceful and I felt weightless and when I opened my eyes… it had disappeared.

But then I felt a warmth on my shoulder, like someone had placed their hand on it… Then I just knew somehow that it was a sign

That maybe things could get better and that maybe even if I am nothing and worthless and pathetic… I could still be able to have this sense of peace and I could still have a life, I could still survive and not just survive but actually be able to start living an actual life…

However meaningless it’d seem to others, it would mean everything to me

Because I did lose everything I ever cared about and loved

I just want something again

I just want to feel - even if I’m the only one who believes it - I just want to feel like I matter, like I could just exist and not just exist to hold someone else’s place but to exist because I was lucky enough to be chosen to live…

And after all these doctors comes working…

And I just need to work, I need to work to make money to get the fuck out of the house that I’m in…

I need to get the fuck away from my “family”

At this point, I’m already alone just faking it around them because they think I don’t know what’s going on with our rapist “dad” I know and they’re probably not going to talk to me about it because I’ll tel them, no I don’t believe him and no I am not going to lie for him like you guys.

It’s disgusting and I’ve had everyone lie for my rapist, I am not going to lie for someone else’s. Especially when I believe that someone else. I don’t care if I lose them, what kind of family is that to have if they’re protecting a rapist?

I’ll tell you, it’s the kind of family I left six years ago just to come back to the other side of my “family” and deal with the same fucken shit…

No.

I’ve seen the sign, nothing is going to derail me from that…

Nothing…

Not them

Not anyone else

I swear brah…

Anxiety is misplaced excitement

What a fucken mind fuck

End of Night-Day 1: I…

Went to my appointment, didn’t drive around to the psychiatrist but the doctor I saw said he would be able to help me find one if none of them get back to me. But I plan on calling more tomorrow to find one.

And then I also have to call the eye doctors again to see if they got my message and then schedule an appointment

I already have a $200 bill, I probably owe another $200 from the ER and then another $200 from the doctors today so yay bills

Whatever at least I’m getting shit done

I’m on a mission to reach that bliss sign I was given and right now, that’s all I have to go on

Also planning on quitting the vape which I used to help me quit cigarettes but yeah I already have a plan for that

I’m buying 3oz of weed when I get paid, to quit vaping

I know, you’re thinking what about weed?

What about it?

Until I get back on my meds and stay on them for at least a month, probably a month and a half and see how I react and function on them

Then I’ll keep on with the Ticket to Work program, hopefully get a job and actually be able to keep it and save whatever money I’m able to…

To get the fuck up out of this house and toxicity of a “family”

But yeah it’s working

No I didn’t get to call a therapist

But I didn’t forget about it

I have a list of them printed out from the doctors

I also plan on calling them tomorrow to see if any are accepting new patients

I need the works

So I’m going to do the work to get through the works to get to that blissful sign I received

Right now, that’s all I can see

And I want desperately to get there

Yeah I’ve got a lot of anxiety

Truth be told, I’m fucken scared shitless

But whatever

I’ve literally already lost everything and everyone

So I don’t necessarily know what or who’s going to be there with me at the end

Most likely no one

But I can’t be bothered with that right now

I’m not worried about it tbh

I’m just saying it’s somewhat crossed my mind but I’m not bothered with it

And after the psychiatrist and meds and quitting vaping and eye doctors and therapy and the job program thing

Then I’ll do my dentist stuff

Not too worried about that tbh, I’ve never had cavities or anything which is why it’s the last thing I’ll be doing

Idk

It sounds like a lot but no it’s not

I’m also damn near 30 years old and I’ve got nothing but a failed marriage and well, that’s about it

It’s hard to actually be doing everything on my own

No mom, my rapist “dad” doesn’t count

He is just the ONLY fucken option and ride I have

Most of my siblings are perverts and pricks, I want nothing to do with any of them except the 3 younger than me

But 1 of them has her own life

And the other 2 are going to disown me when shit hits the fan with our “dad” because they might be comfortable lying for him but no, I won’t.

Just surgery thing I have to worry about

All I know is that I want to get to that blissful sign I received

And yeah, that’s it

Day 1: After seeing the sign…

Last night, I googled if you could work while on Disability, you can. There’s a program called Ticket to Work. It was late last night so I called them this morning for more information.

While on the phone with a representative, Sharon was her name… She was very kind and told me about the process and emailed me a link to see the providers they offer to help you. There are only 2 in Oahu and 1 in Big Island. Everywhere else are places in the mainland…

I have yet to call them because while I was going through the providers, they stated that I’d needed to show them like, proof of my disability…

I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and I don’t know exactly how to prove that to them without a doctor behind me.

I don’t have any evidence or paperwork… I even called my doctors office in Vegas for my records months ago but no one said anything about it or even got back to me. Hmmm, I should probably call them again tbh.

So I’m going to go in and see a psychiatrist soon, hopefully later today after another appointment I have, or maybe tomorrow. I called another place in Waianae and they said they had an office where I live and I just have to go in and schedule an appointment with them.

So hopefully that works out and I can get back on my meds. I’d really like to sleep and not have the urge to break my fists against this disgusting fucken family I have…

I also called an eye doctor for an exam and possibly to get some glasses.. they’re closed today but I left a message and requested to schedule an appointment with them, if there’s anything available.

I really need my meds, so I can get a job and get the fuck away from this mentally and sexually abusive family.. I am on edge every fucken day as should everyone else be in the house except they’re not which just makes me feel even more on edge and I literally feel fucken insane because no one else is reacting to this shit..,

It is disgusting and I’m fucken ashamed that I share blood with them and that I carry their name. This is fucken insane.

Anyway…

This is the best I could do right now. And I have no one who cares or that I can talk to about it… except the rapist who is my “father” because he’s going to be taking me to all these appointments.

There’s nothing I can do about that because no one else is going to take me and I can’t catch the bus because I’ve already been having panic attacks… I’ve always had them while catching the bus which is why I stopped catching the bus… I can’t try to catch the bus because if I freak tf out, they’ll detain me because it happened in public and I’d probably punched something… I can’t take that risk right now. I’m not trying to get arrested for something I could’ve prevented.

I just…

I saw that sign and I’m trying to get me from this abusive, horrible, disgusting fucken place to that blissful vision I saw with that sign.

It didn’t show me love

Or family

Or friends

Or any kind of relationship

It showed me just being relieved and I felt free

I want that

I want it so badly because I don’t have anything or anyone

Except this sliver of hope from that sign

Idk

Like I said, I don’t have anyone to tell or talk about it to

And I don’t have you, whoever you are who just skimmed and scrolled

But tumblr has always been there for me as a journal

And I will never journal or write letters ever again because nothing and no one deserves my words whether they’re written or spoken to.

So tumblr’s always been here even if no one replies or likes it or reblogs it - doesn’t matter to me

This post is for me

Not whoever’s reading this or anyone else, it’s for me to know where and when I started.

I’m terrified but excited, maybe that’s anxiety - I don’t know.

11:59 End of the Night of Day 4:

I think I actually got a sign

Like from god or the universe… from whatever higher power being there is

I think they just showed me a sign

Like an actual ‘it might actually get better’ sign

And it took 29 years but they heard me and showed me a glimmer of hope

Hope for what?

Not exactly sure

Basically the sign showed me bliss -

Bliss that I could actually experience

That it is possible for me to somehow feel this incredible, amazing emotion again

How do I get there?

No fucken idea

But I think that they want me to throw myself into something

What that something is?

Haven’t got the slightest clue

But I need to figure it out somehow

I need to write a list of things I’m good at, interested in and know about

Cross reference and fill in the intertwining missing link

And in this moment…

I am equal parts excited and terrified to even think about where to begin to start

And I don’t even believe in signs

I don’t because all the signs I’ve been seeing throughout my life -

Since I was a kid

Since I started being molested

Since my mom died

Since I was raped

Since I’ve been continuously left by people -

Have been to run away, disappear and fall off the edge of the world with no way to return

But this one?

This one, singular glimpse of hope sign that I finally received -

Really seems like an actually silver lining

A sliver of hope

I don’t know

And I’m not sure

But for the first time I’m optimistic

Day 4: I apologize…

I’m sorry

That I keep attempting suicide

That I ever told you about me doing it

That I kept telling you about it

I’m sorry that I told you about my family and that you were ever associated with any of them

I’m sorry that I wasn’t good enough

But I’m not sorry I fucked up

I mean, yes I wish I didn’t fuck up but -

They’re doing absolutely incredible without me so no, I’m not sorry I fucked up - not for them

I’m sorry for me but not for them… they’re doing great

And I’m not trying to take credit for any of it

I’m only saying that them, along with everyone else…

Are doing better without me in their lives

They’re living a great and amazing life

I’m just sorry for myself because I’m never going to be a part of that ever again

Not with them or anyone else