Does God listen to sinners? Of course! But in a strange sort of way. Remember the parable of the Prodigal Son? When the ungrateful and sinful son returns to his Father with no excuse whatsoever, the Father hears the first part of his confession, but it's almost as if he's not listening! The son only gets through the first half of what he had been planning to tell the Father, because the Father is saying, "Quickly bring the finest robe..." to his servants. In other words, God is so eager to forgive that he's only barely listening!

What the devil will do is the exact opposite of that... he talks and talks and talks and talks. He'll keep on telling you that you're useless, that there's no possible way that you can please God, that you're sinking deeper and deeper and that there's no way out. Lies! All lies. Don't believe him! The truth of the matter is in Psalm 23:

It's true! When you are in your darkest moments, that's when God is closest. So don't let anyone tell you differently. The more often you can make it to Confession, the more Grace can build you back up and strengthen you to avoid sin, even if you find yourself falling back again. You may be "lost," but you're not "alone"!

Have you been able to discuss your situation privately with a priest? (In Confession is the best place to do it, since you know it's under the seal of total secrecy.) Digging your way out of a habit of sin isn't easy, but it's always possible by God's grace. You're going to need to start by avoiding the opportunities and occasions in which that sin normally presents itself (a situation, a person in your life, a particular time/place). If the sin has become an addiction that's controlling you (i.e., you're really not free to say No to it), then you really need an anti-addiction strategy, which looks a little different (think in terms of AA or any twelve-step program or an accountability partner) than a normal spiritual plan.

You're right... you don't have the strength to remain sinless. (Gosh, I wish I did!) But God has Power to lift you up!

God bless you and count on my prayers for you tonight.

- Father Shane

I was at a really excellent talk just recently given by a psychologist on anger and forgiveness. I'll spare you most of the details, but here are a couple points that you might benefit from.

He said first of all that we can't control forgiveness entirely. So we have to be patient with ourselves and strive towards it in the best way we can.

The core of what he was saying, though, is that Jesus gives us an incredible new way to make forgiveness happen, by inviting us to pray for our enemies (Matthew 5:44 and elsewhere, even Romans 12:14). Hatred and resentment really can't happen to people whom we treat fully as human beings -- something gets shut off inside of us when we start to hate -- but prayer is the great equalizer... it educates us in the fact that this person really is a person. Loved by God. Imperfect like me. Jesus doesn't say "Pretend your enemy is your friend"... he just says "pray," even though they're still "enemies" of ours. Very important. He doesn't ask us to do the impossible. It's just something that vastly accelerates the natural human process of forgiveness.

So it sounds like you're most of the way along that process, and that you're discovering that feelings aren't everything in this department. So when that grudge starts up again, just a quick little Jesus Prayer or a Hail Mary might help to dispel the dark clouds.

God bless you!

- Father Shane

So basically right now you’re at Luke 15:17 and you need to figure out how to get to Luke 15:20, right? But look what happens at the end of that verse…

Guilt and shame… is normal and true when we sin. The devil will try to get us to wallow in that and to assume that God will treat us like we deserve. But the great secret of the Gospel is that God doesn’t treat us as we deserve! 

God proves his love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)

Why don’t you make your reflections and prayer revolve around John 8:2-11? Look how Jesus treats the woman who was caught in adultery. He doesn’t condemn her and he doesn’t treat her as she expects. Don’t stop at reading the text… imagine it. See him looking deep into your eyes and saying all those words. Live it out like it’s you there. And be blown away by those loving eyes, eyes of Someone who has loved you more than anyone else on this earth! Cry if you need to…

That’s how Jesus has treated you. How should you treat Jesus? Maybe something like the sinful woman of Luke 7:36-50. How can you be generous like her? How can you “show great love”?

Now praying about it isn’t enough for healing, and it’s clear from your question that your soul wants more. Basically you have three relationships to heal.

The first is with God. You need Jesus to literally tell you “I absolve you of your sins,” and you know that those are the very words the priest authorized by Christ speaks in Confession. Thanks be to God, the Lord has been moving your heart to the point where you’re willing to confess this, at least anonymously on Tumblr. But I can’t absolve you long-distance, as much as we might like that. :-)  

Importantly, any time you go to Communion while this burden is still weighing on your soul isn’t going to help — it’s actually going to be another sin added on top of it. You need to be able to receive Jesus as his beloved daughter.

So how can you get into a confessional to fix all that? Anonymity can be easy in Confession if you seek it. Finding an excuse to sneak off to a Saturday afternoon confession at a nearby parish you never go to is enough. But if you’re anywhere near a major city, you can probably find a downtown parish with confessions all day. And — one of those little-known things — if you’re in totally dire straits, you can even just call up any rectory and ask for Confession… the priest actually can’t tell you No. Especially if you choose to go behind the screen, the priest won’t know you from Eve. All you need to do is just tell him that you had sexual relations with someone who isn’t the person you’re married to, a basic idea of how many times it happened, and if it was with a man or a woman. No more… in particular, you should avoid naming names. If you’ve received Communion since then, mention that too, and more or less how many times if you can remember.

The most important thing is that Jesus himself is listening to you and forgiving your sins in the sacrament. Forget entirely about the priest. That’s secondary. Besides, you can’t possibly find a priest who hasn’t heard that sin and things a hundred times worse… He’s not going to be judgmental: He’s a sinner too, and he’ll want more than anything to try to help you! Here’s something I wrote a little while back about what a priest actually thinks when we go to Confession.

You have no idea how good you’ll feel coming out of Confession…

The second is with your husband. Do you need to confess it to him? Well, it’s not a strict obligation. In some cases, it can even destroy the marriage. It depends a lot on the other person and how they’ll take it. So I would suggest talking it over with the priest when you go to Confession: Give him an idea of the type of person your husband is, how long you’ve been married and how strong the relationship has been, etc., and see what he suggests.

The way to heal an act of infidelity is with lots of fidelity. The way to heal a lack of love is with lots of love. So go overboard in the way you treat your husband, no matter what. If you got to the point where you were 1) attracted by someone else and 2) willing to stray, that probably means that there have been lots of stresses on your relationship over a good period of time. Your husband hasn’t been meeting your very real emotional needs: affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support, family commitment, etc.… but he also has deep needs too: sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, physical attractiveness, domestic support, admiration, etc.. How can you work together so that being with your husband appeals to you again just as much as when you were first dating? It’s a whole project.

Most affairs lead to reconciliation, not divorce. But you both need to want it and to carefully analyze the factors that led to unhappiness… how can you be each other’s best friend and dream spouse again?

The third is with the person you committed the sin with. Usually the best thing — and this is painful — is to totally cut off contact with that person. If possible, tell him/her that it’s simply for the best. If it’s completely impossible, do everything you can to achieve the necessary distance from him/her… only meeting in public places in the company of others, etc.

Otherwise that chemistry that brought you together can flare up again, and it’ll do so far easier the second time than the first. Not a chance you want to take, right?

Sorry for such a long answer, but those are some basic thoughts. You’ll be in my prayers!

God bless you.

- Father Shane