VocationQuestions!
If you're not already following Christiane and I, here we are...
Anonymous asked:
I'm a serious Catholic guy and I've always struggled with masturbation. I have gone to confession, and prayed about it...but it just never feels like it gets better. This has been my problem for years. And now that I'm in a serious relationship (she's also Catholic) I fear it will harm us. I've talked to her about it, and she's given me the best help and advice she can but I still feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I was just wondering what advice you had for me. Thanks!
God can bring good out of any evil... always. So what good does he want to bring out of this particular suffering?
Definitely: Growth in humility. Bringing it up with your girlfriend is already a step in that direction.
Probably: Strengthening the relationship by learning to deal with deep issues together. For that to happen, she needs to understand the compulsive or semi-compulsive nature of your habit, and that it's not a rejection of her love, but something that you're no longer in control of.
Hopefully: Making your prayer more real and more personal. Prayer is only "real" if it's about a deeply felt need that drives us to our knees... sounds like this is yours. (Even if it's just a "need" to adore or to glorify God, there is always that element to prayer.)
Also hopefully: Learning about the way spiritual growth and healing happens. It doesn't happen at the quick pace we would sometimes like. It isn't automatic. Frequent confession is critical in uprooting deep habits, but conversion doesn't happen overnight.
Masturbation can only harm your relationship by harming your ability to love her, so stay alert to the ways that can happen. They can be subtle (a sort of unnoticed self-absorption) or obvious (consumption of pornographic images). You've probably already heard all the basic advice for trying to break the habit, but let me just add this: Since a compulsive habit of masturbation often arises in the context of self-doubt, you may need to discover in her love the fact that you're lovable the way that God made you...
May God bless you both!
- Father Shane
Anonymous asked:
Hi Father, I'm in college and me and my boyfriend have been going out for years. I care about him, love him and don't know where i would be without him. we go to church together and stuff but at the same time we get a little carried away when we're together. idk what to do or how i feel about this. because shouldn't he be helping me towards God? what if he's depending on ME to get closer to God? idk!
Well, you're definitely called to bring each other closer to God. We all are, as Christians, and the closer we are to each other, the more it becomes "our business" to do so.
Of course, that will happen best when what attracts you when you're together -- and what's getting truly bonded -- is the soul (the person) and not just the body. Both soul and body are created by God and tell us important things about God, but the bodily dimension of your relationship needs to wait to come to full flower until marriage. Here's part of the reason why.
So it's very healthy for you to be attracted to each other even on the sexual level, but stay focused on the other parts of your relationship for now... the more the relationship is what God wants for it now, the better it will be what God wants for it later, and the better you'll be able to bring each other to holiness!
Honesty, communication, and even occasionally Confession are essential parts of trying to work that out. But a little Jason/Crystalina Evert fix might be just what the doctor ordered.
God bless you!
- Father Shane
Sex before marriage?
Here's a question that came in several parts, with a video answer to it below.
My boyfriend & I have sex. I could argue that we actually "make love" since our love for each other is sincere & that we're very serious about our relationship & plan on marrying some time in 3-5 years but I feel like that's a cop out excuse. When it comes down to it, our relationship still isn't blessed by the church.
There are numerous issues: 1) Not being open to God's plan for us. 2) We use condoms, which is a whole other can of worms. 3) I don't want to go to confession confused..?
Because, not gonna lie, sex has empowered our relationship and has brought us closer. It's a very spiritual experience and I can see why it's only meant for married folks.
I fully understand it's still wrong because we're not married and we don't have God's blessings.. but our love making has been nothing but beautiful (save for this confusion)? But I'm not sure if it's the right or proper way to glorify God with our bodies? Is God still even present in our act of premarital love making?
I really do want to be open to God's plan but I love my bf so much that I am terrified of the thought that having him as my husband just isn't in His plan for us. My boyfriend has only strengthened my faith in Christ's perfect love..
I'm just left confused at times since he's kind of a more liberal Catholic with lots of (healthy but challenging) questions. Oh & I'm scared that the priest I'd go to confession for will disapprove of us marrying & not be at our wedding. :(
Thanks for the question! I hope this is clear; it's just under 7 minutes. God bless you!
Anonymous asked:
I've decided to wait until marriage to have sex but I recently got a boyfriend. He respects my choice but I just wanted to ask, how far is too far? I really don't want to mess up. Thank you.
God bless you, and I wish you both the best!
- Father Shane
Anonymous asked:
Father, there is a girl that I really love but I know that I shouldn't love her since it really has no potential to go longterm. Would it be the Christ-like thing to do if I just stopped talking to her? The thing is, that's the only way I can get over her and focus on other things in my life. However, it is a bit mean and puts me in a tough situation.
Yes, it’s understandable to want a clean break. And maybe it would feel better for you emotionally.
If you’ve been involved for a while, I think you’re right in your intuition that it’s not fair to her to go “cold turkey.” We go cold turkey with smokes and booze and weed, but not with people. People are precious and fragile, and they can shatter when dropped.
You probably already know that women are far more sensitive than men about the end of relationships. From an unlikely source, and dubiously ascribed to him anyway:
Hogamous, higamousMan is polygamousHigamous, hogamousWoman monogamous.— William James
A woman’s heart seizes onto her man and gets all intertwined around him far more than his does, and breaking up can put far greater strain on her. So you need to set her down gently. Starting to drop subtle hints that you have doubts about the relationship will immediately get through to her and give her the advance warning she needs to parse it correctly. Ultimately inviting her out for dinner to a highfalutin place, telling her in advance that there’s something serious you want to discuss, might be a way to break it to her gently. Whatever it takes to do justice to a person you have loved.
I'm sure the holy women of Tumblr could chime in and give better advice on that point!
An aside... love is a funny word; what do we mean by it?
Sometimes we use it to mean “sentimental feelings.” But love really isn’t that at all, of course. Feelings are feelings; love can be sparked by feelings, but it’s ultimately much more about “doing.” What do you do for her and do with her and share with her? It’s the time spent together and invested together and wasted together that is meaningful because it builds love.
So if you have feelings about her, that’s fine and normal and is a good sign. The question is if it’s prudent for you to get to the level of “doing” and “giving” in an exclusive way, or if you both should look elsewhere because this story can’t have a Hollywood ending.
May God bless you both as you seek to do his will and to find the right person for each of you!
- Father Shane
Anonymous asked:
Father, I've asked several Catholics this question, and I've had very different answers, so by now I really don't know what to think... Is kissing sin? More specifically, French kissing? If yes, is it a venial or a mortal sin?
I think this is a great answer that takes pretty much every factor into account. Hope it helps you! God bless.
- Father Shane
Anonymous asked:
What do you think of the idea of "soul mates" as a Catholic? I believe that they exist but not everyone has one.
Good question! We're told in the Bible that man and woman are made for each other, and there are plenty of touching love stories in the Old Testament, but nowhere is the idea of "soul mates" generalized to everyone.
Actually, what marriage counselors tend to speak of is pretty much the exact opposite. Rather than immediate "love at first sight," being meant for each other from all eternity, a loving relationship tends to grow naturally over time. The more time two people spend with each other, and the more affection they show for each other, the deeper the bonds of love become, and harder to break too.
So you can feel an inexplicable attraction to lots of people, but you'll only fall deeper in love with the person you constantly show love for. And then that, in a certain sense, is your "soul mate," but it happens after the fact (thanks to your "investment" in that person) rather than before the fact (thanks to "destiny").
So if you'll accept that redefinition of it, I'll agree with you that they exist (plenty of wonderful people I know are very happily married) and that not everyone has one (I don't!).
That said, does God "have someone for you"? The safest thing to say is that he made you to love and to be loved, and that he's set you in the middle of a whole lot of wonderful people who could possibly be yours. In his Providence, he can certainly guide you to someone by special intervention, but in general he's already set you on the path to a life of love!
In other words, if you have the vocation to marriage, you don't necessarily have the vocation to marry Joe Smith or Mary Brown... but God won't leave you high and dry. Stay close to Him!
God bless you.
- Father Shane
Anonymous asked:
I have a question that may sound a bit silly, but it's serious enough for me. The Bible says to love your neighbors, but I have a problem with showing Agape--- or well-meaning love for all--- and then being asked out by men. Is there an appropriate way for a single female to display Agape without giving off the idea that she is open to being asked out?
Definitely I think you should probably take it as a compliment! :-) Love is attractive by its nature, the philosophers tell us, so if men are being attracted by the love you show them, that's normal and natural and means that there's something attractive in you that they're discovering.
You already know enough about the difference between men and women to see that men are going to react positively when a woman seems to be responding to their attention. You can't get around that; even if you're doing the recommendable thing and clearly being kind to everyone, and not being openly exclusive about the people you're kind to, and doing so in groups more often than one-on-one, many men in many situations still won't realize it, or their natural competitiveness kicks in and they want you for a more exclusive relationship.
It's a shame that nowadays we have really lost the custom of man-woman friendships that don't get to the dating level or include simple casual evenings together that don't automatically imply a second date and/or a more serious relationship. That used to be more common for our parents and grandparents. It makes it tough when simply being asked out seems to imply (an at least temporarily) exclusive relationship.
But rather than retreat into an all-female world, which is the solution that some choose, perhaps it's also a moment to take a closer look at your own motivations. Why don't you want to be asked out? If you're already engaged or in a serious relationship or have a boyfriend in another city, it should be easy enough to smile sweetly and explain. Maybe you're considering religious life or consecrated life; that's perfectly all right, of course, and in order to get the interior freedom you need in order to discern God's voice better, freedom from relationships (and the possible distortion of discernment they can create) is a good thing.
But then there are a lot of other possible reasons that may require some serious reflection on your part to really see if God truly wants you to stay single right now: Am I focused on a career above all else? Have I been hurt in the past and I'm reacting defensively? Am I secretly afraid of men or marriage? If any of those are true, am I in sync with God's desires for me, and/or is there anything in me that needs to be healed or purified?
No matter what the answer, yes you're definitely called to keep loving everyone. It's just a question of what the most prudent way to do so is, right? Whether your basic model is that of a nun, who has to keep her affections just for Jesus while still loving and serving everyone, or whether it's that of a young woman eagerly seeking her Mr. Darcy, seeking one exclusive relationship shouldn't get in the way of loving everyone.
This may not sound entirely appropriate, but it's probably true... Jesus was an eligible and very attractive single man who traveled a lot and was very famous and highly respected. Don't you think there must have been lots of women thinking about him as a marriage option, and even perhaps doing something to pursue him according to the customs of their time? Somehow he managed to maintain an unsullied (until Dan Brown) reputation and managed to keep his heart open to all. Ask him for that same grace!
God bless you.
- Father Shane
Solid article with great quotes like this one:
Sex leads to parenthood. Janet Smith says we should all get this tattooed.
Ladies, what would you say if
…your boyfriend told you he masturbates?
…your husband confessed his struggles with pornography?
…your brother is actively unchaste?
I have come to the understanding that many females are blissfully unaware of the sexual (and, thus, spiritual) struggles men encounter in daily life.
If you think your special male is different, you may be right, and you may be wrong.
Read the rest. (photo by ajpscs)
fathershane reblogged
It’s like being in love.
“Your head and your heels switch places, and you make some desperately awkward attempt to kiss her. This might be made manifest in the taking on of some devotion, the sudden attempt to understand what on earth is going on around you, or a newfound, annoyed blush when someone laughingly dismisses a Church teaching. You didn’t mean this to happen, by accounts. One cannot control love! you explain to your disapproving mother.
So you start dating. Life is good. You start to tell people about your lover. What annoyed you once - candles are literally everywhere, old ladies never leave the building - you now find endearing. You have a great schedule of conversation, of dating. Honestly, you’d be content to dwell in this existence forever, this wonderful, mutual exchange of affection. But then she demands something. Your entire life. Everything. All of you.
Who knows how she’ll propose this to you. She’ll call you, give you that dreaded, “We need to talk,” and your priest will casually mentioned that we are called to die for the faith. Or you’ll accidentally pick up The Imitation of Christ. However it comes, you are presented with an ultimatum by your lover. And love demands you accept her terms: so you marry the Church. You sell out. You give her everything, because you know she loves you. And there really is no going back.”
The incomparable Father Barron on sexuality, sacrifice, and love.
Anonymous asked:
One of my friends is planning on going to seminary in the fall, but he recently started dating someone. My friends and I are really confused and troubled about it and are not sure how to act in charity. Should someone say something to him (and his girlfriend) or not?
That’s pretty weird, but weird things happen when people are about to make major life decisions. Believe me, he doesn’t have it easy right now. There are always lots of conflicting desires in a guy who’s about to make that step. Of course, it’s not a definitive one. Not everyone who enters the seminary will leave it ordained: It’s a journey of discernment as well as an educational journey.
So he undoubtedly knows full well what he’s getting into in dating, and hopefully he’s got a spiritual director helping him through the final stages of preparation to enter the seminary. I think you can probably leave it up to them to work out and help him to make a mature decision, either for or against the seminary. But definitely keep him in your prayers! And her especially, since he could well be setting her up for a major-league heartbreak at the end of the summer.
God bless you.
- Father Shane
Anonymous asked:
Dear Father,I'm a women, 19 and in college. I haven't really had a boyfriend yet. Is it better to actually search for someone or is it better to linger and wait? I've been praying to God for so long and no one has come my way. Everytime I have an interest in a guy, and I mean every single time, he doesn't want anything in return and usually the situation goes bad and I loose them as a friend. I was just wondering if you could pray for me and give me some advice on dating and such.Thank you
Isn't that amazing? Only Catholics would think of turning to someone who's celibate for dating advice. ;-)
Here's a great interview (part 1 and part 2) with someone who wrote a great book all about this.
If guys your age were nearly as mature as they were at that age a couple generations ago, your situation would be a lot easier, wouldn't it?
God bless you and count on my prayers!
- Father Shane