I have a question that may sound a bit silly, but it's serious enough for me. The Bible says to love your neighbors, but I have a problem with showing Agape--- or well-meaning love for all--- and then being asked out by men. Is there an appropriate way for a single female to display Agape without giving off the idea that she is open to being asked out?
Definitely I think you should probably take it as a compliment! :-) Love is attractive by its nature, the philosophers tell us, so if men are being attracted by the love you show them, that's normal and natural and means that there's something attractive in you that they're discovering.
You already know enough about the difference between men and women to see that men are going to react positively when a woman seems to be responding to their attention. You can't get around that; even if you're doing the recommendable thing and clearly being kind to everyone, and not being openly exclusive about the people you're kind to, and doing so in groups more often than one-on-one, many men in many situations still won't realize it, or their natural competitiveness kicks in and they want you for a more exclusive relationship.
It's a shame that nowadays we have really lost the custom of man-woman friendships that don't get to the dating level or include simple casual evenings together that don't automatically imply a second date and/or a more serious relationship. That used to be more common for our parents and grandparents. It makes it tough when simply being asked out seems to imply (an at least temporarily) exclusive relationship.
But rather than retreat into an all-female world, which is the solution that some choose, perhaps it's also a moment to take a closer look at your own motivations. Why don't you want to be asked out? If you're already engaged or in a serious relationship or have a boyfriend in another city, it should be easy enough to smile sweetly and explain. Maybe you're considering religious life or consecrated life; that's perfectly all right, of course, and in order to get the interior freedom you need in order to discern God's voice better, freedom from relationships (and the possible distortion of discernment they can create) is a good thing.
But then there are a lot of other possible reasons that may require some serious reflection on your part to really see if God truly wants you to stay single right now: Am I focused on a career above all else? Have I been hurt in the past and I'm reacting defensively? Am I secretly afraid of men or marriage? If any of those are true, am I in sync with God's desires for me, and/or is there anything in me that needs to be healed or purified?
No matter what the answer, yes you're definitely called to keep loving everyone. It's just a question of what the most prudent way to do so is, right? Whether your basic model is that of a nun, who has to keep her affections just for Jesus while still loving and serving everyone, or whether it's that of a young woman eagerly seeking her Mr. Darcy, seeking one exclusive relationship shouldn't get in the way of loving everyone.
This may not sound entirely appropriate, but it's probably true... Jesus was an eligible and very attractive single man who traveled a lot and was very famous and highly respected. Don't you think there must have been lots of women thinking about him as a marriage option, and even perhaps doing something to pursue him according to the customs of their time? Somehow he managed to maintain an unsullied (until Dan Brown) reputation and managed to keep his heart open to all. Ask him for that same grace!
God bless you.
- Father Shane