In shows like x files, supernatural etc. when the main characters go investigate some supernatural thing and they’re talking to some professor of the esoteric and they’re like “how would we destroy it” and the professor gets all weirded out and they say some throwaway line like “this is…just all old stories and legend…” and the main characters are like “oh yes of course”

As IF a professor teaching this stuff wouldn’t be like “in fact here is my thesis I’m writing about how to Kill God and yes I think that’d work. why? did you read something??? Do you have a link????”

This mom and son pulled a total

On that bitch

March Moodness

Us all meeting up in person when we get out of quarantine

Ladies, I am holding out my hand. Do you trust me?

I need you to open Google Maps. Locate your nearest mall. Get in your car. Drive to Yankee Candle.

Past the seasonal pumpkin display, near the back of the store, you will find a trash pile Man Candle section. You will see candles called MMM, Bacon!. Riding Mower. Man Town. (I’m not kidding. Man Town.) Stay strong. Not in this section, but likely very near this section, you will find a candle called Mountain Lodge.

Hold this jar in your hands like a talisman. Close your eyes and picture a man.

I want to be clear: I’m not talking about a Hugh Dancy. Or an Andrew Garfield, a Ben Whishaw, even a Tom Hiddleston. This exercise requires someone in the Chris Evans weight class. The Richard Armitage department. Someone with smile lines around his eyes who could chop the cedar for your bower with his own hands, strangle an alpha wolf, carry you home when you sprain your ankle in the woods, bench press your entire body. Picture this man in your mountain home with a full beard, a slightly grimy white henley, a fond half smile he reserves only for you. Now open the lid and smell Mountain Lodge.

Steady yourself on the man candle display. Give yourself a second. No, you’re not wrong. Yes, the Yankee Candle Company has just eliminated the need for men. This medium tumbler Mountain Lodge candle jar is now your boyfriend. The Yankee Candle Company has effectively replaced the need for contact with the male half of our species with a compact and clean-burning candle in a jar.

“Do you like this one?” the cashier asked, ringing me up. “Every man should be required by law to smell like what this candle smells like,” I replied intensely. “That’ll be $12.01,” she said.

MOUNTAIN LODGE

it literally smells like waking up on a cold night to find a bearded richard armitage adding another quilt to the bed before he gets back in and pulls you snugly against his chest

I’m not fucking around I feel like I should be watching chris hemsworth in flannel and suspenders whittling a delicate masterpiece in front of a fireplace rn

All right, Tumblr, I saw this post a few months ago and immediately realized I had to smell this candle.  I have never in my life experienced such a burning need (pun intended) to smell what the Yankee Candle website described as a warm aroma of cedarwood and sage, but what Tumblr described as my new boyfriend.

The trouble is that nearest Yankee Candle Company store was a bit of a trek, and my schedule tended to prohibit this olfactory adventure.

So for the last few weeks, as I’d scroll my Tumblr dash and look at images of attractive manly men, I’d sigh and wistfully think, if only I could engage another sense with this image. If only I could I could truly fathom the ideal fragrance of this man.

And then this happened.

And I knew.

I knew whatever was happening, I needed to get to a Yankee Candle Company. The scent of Mountain Lodge would transport me instantly to this scene. The aroma of this infamous candle could make me live out a self-insertion Avengers fanfic.

So I got in my car, made the drive, and located the Yankee Candle Company.  The store was crowded with holiday shoppers. My nose was immediately assaulted by hundreds of warring scents.  

I battled through the sea of humanity and the Angel Wings-Merry Marshmallow-Magical Frosted Forest assault, buoyed on by my need to understand what Steve Rogers ripping a log in half with his bare hands smelled like.

I waded toward the back of the store, only to discover the man candle section seems to have been discontinued. What was I going to steady myself on, once I found my scented gateway to hanging out with the Avengers on Hawkeye’s farm? I felt lost, adrift, unable to find my bearings amid Soft Blanket-Fluffy Towels-Home Sweet Home.

And then… rising from the “Fresh” display, there it was.

Mountain Lodge.

It was the moment of truth. What would it be like to smell this infamous candle?

I opened the lid. I took a deep breath.

And I giggled.

Ah yes.  This was it.  This gentle, pleasantly masculine fragrance, in fact, reduced me to what I’d probably do in the actual presence of Chris Evans: giggle like an idiot.

The smell makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me gently swoon: all reactions that, indeed, can be elicited by an ideal man. I can barely handle the true power of Mountain Lodge.

Several months have passed since this discovery. I have regaled friends with the saga, and after hearing of it, they, too, felt the burning need to smell the candle.  One by one, we have all become Mountain Lodge converts. In times of need, this candle is our refuge. Our group has developed escapist superpowers, infused by the Yankee Candle Company. 

THE CANDLE, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND.  

MOUNTAIN LODGE.

This is how you do advertisement

we love everything about all of this. We will always be there for you, just light your Mountain Lodge candle and know that our love burns bright for you.

The official Yankee Candle™ tumblr account has recognized the Mountain Lodge mythos. My work on the material plane is finally complete. A being of pure light, I slowly ascend to the aether.

Why isn’t there a production company making romance with the ships we were denied?

Like they hire Emilia Clarke and Iain Glen for this fantasy romance about a princess and a knight who fall in love?

A space romance about a pilot for the resistance and a soldier running from the cause he was forced to fight for, staring Oscar Issac and John Boyega?

Any sort of happily ever after story starring Alyson Hannigan and Amber Benson.

A generic demon hunting romance starring Jensen Ackles and Misha Collins. 

THIS IS WHAT SYFY CHANNEL SHOULD BE DOING!

They already make cheesy B movies! They’re still vaguely connected in some form with science fiction!

op where’s the gofundme

Alternate Universe Channel

Bi culture TikTok

Batman explains who will really win in Batman v Superman.

#god bruce’s face#‘wonder woman doesn’t have weakness clark’#‘wonder woman is flawless and perfect clark’#‘wonder woman could probably destroy the earth if she wanted to and I couldn’t stop her clark’#‘we’re all fucking doomed clark’

did he just make that wonder woman case special only to keep it empty for a fucking dramatic reveal

HAVE YOU SEEN BATMAN WORK? HE IS LITERALLY LIKE, 90% REVEAL

The most hilarious thing about the fact Buckbeak had a trial and lost is that later on JKR resolves the issue by having Hagrid take him in again and renaming him Witherwings. That’s literally all it took. What if in POA, Hagrid simply said, “Sorry, Buckbeak flew away.” 

“There’s a hippogriff right there, Hagrid.”

“A different hipprogriff.”

“I’m… pretty sure that’s the same hipprogriff.”

“Prove it.” 

no dna tests we die like scientifically underdeveloped societies

Prisoner of Azkaban continues to be the most frustrating book

Someone should have just adopted Sirius and started calling him Gerald.

Remus: Erm… this is our new order member, my… cousin Gerald. Gerald White.

“Mr. Lupin that is Sirius Black with glasses!” “Oh come now Minister, Sirius Black doesn’t wear glasses. That wouldn’t make sense.” “Well have Mr. White take off his glasses then!” “He can’t he needs them to see.”

it got better

It’s honestly a miracle to me that wizarding society doesn’t collapse every other week because like

You’ve got this world full of people who can destroy whole buildings or turn people into beetles or make vehicles fly just by waving a stick at them

And there is literally no common sense

Anywhere to be found

Voldemort would never have had anyone find out he was back if he just went around calling himself Steve 

Okay, see, I thought I saved this post to comment on it but I’d like to bring up

The Minister would NEVER EVER disbelieve in Gerald White. He’d buy it hook line and sinker. The wizarding world would buy it hook line and sinker. The GOBLINS wouldn’t but wizards have been shown to be pretty blindingly clueless. Still, Gringotts would grudgingly give Sirius access to the Black fortune.

But, but, but, you know the one person

the one person

who Gerald White would drive AB-SO-LUTELY FUCKING BATSHIT?

Severus Snape.

Snape would do everything, EVERYTHING, to get people to believe that it’s Sirius. But the Order would ignore it (they accepted Sirius as Sirius before anyway) and Remus would just be so… so affronted.

‘Severus, he is my cousin.’

And Sirius would love it. He’d love the fact that Snape just hated it. He’d be the BEST DAMN GERALD WHITE EVER b/c Snape is doing everything from dropping veritaserum into his firewhisky to capturing a dementor in a box and releasing it on Sirius when he least expects it

That one causes problems for a bare minute because SHIT A DEMENTOR ATTEMPTED TO GIVE GERALD THE KISS MAYBE SNAPE IS RIGHT except Harry comes forward and is like ‘excuse me, I’ve never committed a crime and dementors are ALWAYS attacking me, I think they’re attracted to glasses’

and the magical community is like ‘shit, yeah, you’re right’

and just

Spare. Snape goes spare.

Picturing Snape as Mr. Crocker from the Fairly Oddparents now.

Gerald White eventually becomes a fully registered animagus. When he turns into his animagus form right in front of Snape, Snape’s bursting at the seams, just pointing at him and spluttering:

‘HE’S A BIG BLACK DOG! A DOG - THAT IS BLACK. SIRIUS BLACK. BLACK DOG DOG BLACK.’

And Remus calmly says: “That’s absurd, Severus. Sirius Black was never an animagus and besides which, people’s names don’t have any influence over their animagus forms or anything like that. That’s ridiculous.”

And Snape yells: “Shut it WEREWOLF MCWEREWOLF!”

Everyone looks at Remus, who blinks and sighs as Gerald White turns back into his human form.

“Pure coincidence,” Gerald says. “My aunt was into Roman mythology. Has to happen sometimes.” Then he pauses to give Snape an overly concerned look. “Are you alright, Severus? You’re looking a little red.”

^this is my new life

im crying thanks for this

Another point in the direction of Gerald White Not Being Sirius Black is that everyone knows Sirius Black hated Severus Snape. Gerald White bakes the ungrateful dungeon bat cookies and is always polite to him. It so nice that Gerald really wants to be friends.

WE WERE ROBBED OF THIS

This is the greatest thing in the world tbh

“Come now, Severus. You’ve been teaching here for how long now? It wouldn’t hurt you to make a friend or two, and Gerald White truly seems to be making an effort.”

Sir Elton John has admitted to having sex with a Russian spy on a hotel roof during a trip to the Soviet Union.

The 66-year-old singer believes that the KGB spy was planted in his entourage by the country’s secret police at the height of the Cold War to follow his every move.

He says that after discovering that the man was a mole who worked for the Russian security agency, he slept with him to compromise him.

“I went to Russia in 1979 and I knew we were being watched all the time,” John told the Observer.

“I had an interpreter that they’d clearly set up. I ended up having sex with him on the hotel roof.”

John became the first Western popstar to perform behind the Iron Curtain when he took to the stage in St Petersburg, formerly Leningrad, in 1979.

In 1985, The Rocket man released Nikita, a song about a westerner who falls for a Berlin border guard. The track, which featured George Michael, was a worldwide hit.

The director of Rocketman currently screaming with rage that Elton didn’t share this earlier

i want to see the avengers play cards against humanity and i want to see them all slowly realizing that steve has the most fucked up sense of humor out of all of them

SLUR?????

My man said "boomer" with the hard "R".

Sup, my Booma

They been calling themselves that for 50 years but now it is a problem? Ok boomer.

S L U R?????

Where can i find these shirts??

I found some here!

#ICONIC™

hahahahahaha

As funny as this is some teenagers actually did this shit one day. They were bicycling around the neighborhood and got an alert. Looked up, saw a car fitting the description. Mother fucking kids BOOKED it after the car on their bikes like Lance Armstrong on steroids. The kidnapper freaked out and ditched the vehicle and the kids rescued the baby. Best part was the kid they interviewed was wearing a Batman t-shirt and he was like “Well, Sir....This is my neighborhood.”

Not all heroes can fly; sometimes they ride bikes.

Sorry for who-posting in the year 2019 but the Doctor is actually so named because he wrote and successfully defended a dissertation at an accredited university whereas the Master completed a 2-year graduate program in his chosen field, which points to the existence of a third less-advanced and less-specialized counterpart, the Bachelor

The Bachelor is never seen in the show because he’s still living with his parents on Gallifrey, listlessly applying for jobs and stress-eating

I thought the bachelor was being fought over by 12 women in a big house

galaxy brain:  The Bachelor Tv show has featured the same man for every season but he regenerates like the doctor

why does anyone in Gotham even bother doing crime like you KNOW the second you leave the bank with the money you just stole Bruce Wayne is gonna be chilling on a bench on the other side of the street in his bat fursuit like “hey bitch u better not be breaking the law”