Breathless and wanting, all the time
Alfred’s probably on vacation
I'd cry if they made this in a movie
Like fuck the intense batman dramas about him dealing with his parent's deaths
I want a comedy with Slade Wilson looking after his kids, and them getting up to childhood mischief that teaches us about the importance of family and love and how genes aren't the most important thing, featuring The Butts Match TM memes, the importance of family and Slade Wilson having a breakdown at least one (1) time because HOW THE FUCK DOES BATMAN DO THIS????!!!! (Hint: Alfred is how Batman does this but Slade does not know this)
Like okay this is starting to maake sense in my mind like
Imagine:
Slade Wilson lost his job, a mundane one that he hated with a fiery passion but it brought money in so he did it. He does not however acknowledge that he hates his job. He's also trying to walk the right path for some reason I don't care to come up with.
So our man goes to a bar and cries to a bartender because that's what happens when he's drunk because he's sad inside
Anyway our man Bruce overhears and it just so happens that Alfred is about to go on Vacation because Bruce insisted/ he got hurt/ fam died and Alfie's gotta go to the funeral
So Bruce "I don't make good life choices" Wayne decides "Hey, why not?"
(I acknowledge this would never happen in canon but this is a comedy so let me have this)
So he, much to Slade's surprise, tries to hire Slade to be his Nanny
Slade declines
A week later Bruce calls him
Slade does not know how he got his number but before he could ask Bruce starts naming prices
He ups it each time Slade tries to protest, after five minutes of arguing he doubles the price to something that is insanely ridiculous
"Fine, but I'm only doing it this once, Wayne, and I'm only doing it for the money,"
He puts the phone down, throws back his glass of [some alcohol] and sighs
"What the fuck did I just get myself into?"
He gets there and shenanigans ensue.
Literally the second he arrives Bruce just stubles out the door, shoves the keys in his hands and he speeds away in [some fancy car]
Slade stands in front of the too huge doors and gulps
No not because he's anxious
Slade gulps in fear.
When he enters the house it is eerily quiet.
It is also, a mess.
Toys, clothes and cushions and blankets.
Disorganized furniture and crayons and teddy bears.
And Toilet paper.
So much toilet paper.
Why the fuck is there so much toilet paper.
Slade hears a soft creaking sound.
He looks up.
And there, hanging from the chandelier, is a child.
More specifically a teenager, who is staring at him in interest.
Slade screams.
The kid screams.
The kid falls -no- jumps down.
"Aw shit, what's wrong is there a spider? Oh fuck I hate spiders," the kid says
"Hey, Dick, language!" a smaller kid said, walking into the room and slapping his brother on the arm.
It was a scene that Slade found quite ironic, less so after learning it was the eldest's name, but it was still pretty funny.
The language kid turns out to be Jason because he's a little nerd who got straight A's and he will be like this and u can fight me
He meets the other kids too later, obviously.
Throughout this movie Dick will go through his teenage "rebellion" phase - note, Dick isn't very good at his rebellion.
Tim is a little shit.
He might be like 6, but he's a little delinquent.
Cass calls Slade "Pirate". Slade's heart positively melts.
Damian tries to bite his finger off and is constantly trying to pull his hair.
Now because this is a family comedy a lot of things happen.
But somehow they end up at an airport. And he looses all of them. Except Damian (- but only because he's an infant and I couldn't do that.)
So Slade with a grumpy baby Damian tied to his chest is absolutely freaking out. They're in a fucking airport and he managed to loose four children. He cahses them through the entire airport with the help of Airport security.
Meanwhile the kids are havung the time of their lives. They're exploring. They're on an adventure. It's so much fuuuuuuun~~.
Dick escapes the security guards multiple times by "climbing things humans should not be able to fucking climb!" (- Slade after one such incident)
Eventually they split up, and then they get together and split up again to switch out some dynamics.
But boy oh boy u know what else we have? We have nice family bonding moments tied in throughout scenes.
Dick telling Tim something about his parents when they find a bag in Lost and Found that contains the belongings of people who appear to be Circus Performers of some sort.
Jason and Cass somehow bonding about street life.
Jason and Dick seening eye to eye about something or another.
Cass and Tim just fucking disappearing.
And that's the last act.
Everyone looking for Cass and Tim.
Dick, Jason, Slade and airport security
It turns out they're in the vents.
Alfred is the one that finds them.
At some point throughout the movie they steal the security guard's hoverboard- scooter thingy mabob (you know those we saw in "Mall Cop"?)
I don't really know when, why or where, but sometime along the line the Sirens make an appearance.
Also Tim/Jason angst about Bruce not wanting them?
Could work for both of them.
In this au they meet Steph at some point, she's travelling with her mom or she's on a class trip or something so they meet while in airport.
She joins them for a few scenes. Tim and Steph puppy love for a bit because that is adoreable.
Yes she does steal a waffle. Or he steals her a waffle. And then she reveals from behind her back a waffle that she stole for him! (Ok so she stole it for herself but what he doesn't know can't hurt him and she gives it to him so whatever.) But this and bunch of cute stuff happens between them in montage style while some sappy song plays.
Then Steph gets "taken" (caught) by security.
Ensue dramatic scene.
Steph yells, "Save yourselves" and throws a smoke bomb that just freaks everyone out because not even the other kids knows where she got that. (Cass does. But Cass ain't no snitch)
"We had to let her go," "She made a brave sacrifice," "She would've wanted us to escape and get a move on, they'll find us if we stay here,"
Dick "turns" on them like halfway through the movie because he's like 14 and at least a little more mature.
Jason and he have a dramatic Balcony like scene where Jason and the kids + Steph are safe and looking down at Dick and Jason yells, "Betrayed by my own brother! I would've expected this kind of behaviour from Tim-," "Hey!" "- But not you, Dick, I expected you to have my back but no, you stabbed us in the back. And you will pay for it - we will have our vengeance," Then the kids disappear into the darkness.
Slade shakes his head at Dick, "Traitor,"
"WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON???!!!"
Anyway - Oh I had an idea how to add the Sirens in on this. They're Airplane hostesses! And they help the kids at some point. Well Harley wants to help them and the other two are just like why the hell are we listening to her but help anyway.
And I jsut think this could be hilarious.
At one point Slade is sitting at a bar and Damian sits next to him in his baby stool and he has an entire deep ish converstaion with this two year old who responds only with his rattle and baby grunts.
"How am I ever gonna do this? When did my my life turn into such a mess? How the hell did I get here?!"
Angry rattle slap on table, Damian glare, baby grunt. Points to Slade with rattle.
"You're right kid, I need to get my shit together,"
Damian also helps Slade now and then to find them. Pointing at them with his rattle and sending them a baby smirk.
Also, Titus is his stuffed Great Dane plushy that gets lost at some point and becomes the Side Quest that Slade needs to embark on in order for this kid to stop fucking crying.
Ok oms I'm not gonna write this but if someone else writes it, you have my full permission just tag me, I reaaaaaalllllllllyyyyyy wanna read it
Batman hires Deathstroke to be his kids' nanny. Can.. Can someone please write this? Also, can we have an appearance from Uncle Clark at one point? And Slade is just like.. who this nice man? Weird weird.. suspicious. Not computing.. Oohhh homemade cookies!
i love it when they do…the thing
the mockery of it all…