This has been on my mind for a long time…

Steve having a flashback to the past during a half of a second as The Winter Soldier turns. In that blink of an eye he can see Bucky as it was (as he remembers him), before The Winter Soldier looks at him with Bucky’s eyes. Steve is now in an impossible present; all the foundations of what he knows and what he feels, shattered.

And we know how it goes after that.

But also, from Bucky’s character point of view? How he is hidden in there below the surface, dormant because of the words but condemned to “wake up” and remember it all as if it was indeed him behind the wheel? I cannot. i just cannot.

In reality he’s still barely more than a child sent to war who deserves better, who deserves total recognition of his lack of agency, who deserves total recognition of his trauma,… who deserves Steve, too.

Thanks for coming to my stream of consciousness Ted Talk: This went really fast from my traumatizing head-canon to Bucky!Avenging, tbh.

Anyway, sorry for the heartbreak and for the quality… War!Bucky video source is horrible, but i needed it done.

Let’s remember that Bucky Barnes without Steve Rogers was the kid who befriended a small sickly boy looked down on and picked on by everyone else without caring what anyone thought.

Bucky Barnes without Steve Rogers was a smart, bright, likable young man who enjoyed going to dance halls and science fairs.

Bucky Barnes without Steve Rogers earned the respect, friendship, and loyalty of his soldiers to such an extent that when a stranger in spangly tights saves their lives only to ask them to follow him back into the fray, they agree because this guy’s nuts but he’s got Sarge’s seal of approval.

Bucky Barnes without Steve Rogers withstood years of unimaginable physical and psychological torture until his captors were finally forced to strip him of his memories and all sense of self in order to make him compliant, and even then had to phrase his missions as fights for the good of the world.

And then, Bucky Barnes, with no knowledge of Steve Rogers or himself, with no agency or moral compass, couldn’t be kept out of cryostasis for too long lest he regain the smallest sense of self and turn on his masters. Because even they knew that James Buchanan Barnes was the furthest thing from a bully, and feared the vengeance he would bring down on them if he realized what they were forcing him to do.

And this is just Bucky Barnes in the MCU, who’s had maybe a half hour of screen time and a handful of lines.

Yeah, the seeds of the Winter Soldier are in Bucky, insomuch as he is competent, loyal, fierce, a brilliant tactician, capable of doing the dirty work to save others the burden, and a bit ruthless when it comes to protecting innocents and those he loves. But isn’t it telling that even stripped of everything but these attributes and then turned to destruction and chaos he becomes, not a bully, but an asset of terrifying efficiency? The Winter Soldier is single-minded and brutal in carrying out his missions, but he is an effective soldier, not a bully.

James Buchanan Barnes is a hero, and nothing, not the absence of one man (even a man like Steve Rogers) or anything else, could change that.

So… Bucky gave his notebook away because he's ready to let go of Steve I am breaking down your honor

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

listen i know we’re always on about how much steve loves bucky and how much he would do and did and give up for him etc, but consider: bucky spent two years hiding from steve, who he remembered, who he loves, the only person who knew him before he was a brainwashed weapon, potentially the only person who would be on his side if things went bad, the only person in the world who gives a damn about him. bucky spent two years hiding from him and when steve finally found him he tried to convince steve he didn’t really remember him. bucky did all this, sacrificed having someone in his life who loves him, he did it all to protect steve. from himself, from the dangers of associating with him, from the chance that bucky would hurt him again if he was triggered. bucky knows steve better than anyone, he knew how relentlessly steve would defend him and bucky tried to protect him from doing that, he tried to spare him. that’s how much bucky loves steve. that’s how selfless his love for steve is.

fuck i don’t know why my brain went there but-

bucky is probably the only person alive right now that knew who steve was before he got the serum and became Captain America.

and this moment right here,

steve: how about you? are you ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?

bucky: hell no. the little guy from brooklyn who was too dumb not to run away from a fight, i'm following him.

is exactly why bucky hates the new guy.

Bucky *texting Steve*: Steve, the Avengers aren’t home 😉

Steve: babe, listen

Steve: be careful

Steve: make sure to lock the doors

Steve: I’m on my way, don’t worry

Steve: YES, IT DOES!!!