what happens when i can’t sleep..

you. listen to me. this is it okay? it’s over.

it’s time to walk away. it’s time to be alone.

you are going to be alone. and you are going to feel it scrapping your insides and its going to make you cringe and you are going to hate it, you are going to be bad at it. you will try to find refuge under the skin of others, you will use them as umbrellas to avoid getting soaked in the storm. i am not telling you to dance in the rain. i know how unrealistic that sounds. sit in it though. let it take over you, and then watch it go away. experience it. understand that it goes away. 

it always goes away.

you are going to be furious. you are going to throw things, break them, and then for a second you might feel better. and then you are going to be sad. you will cry. it’s okay. cry. cry because he used to call you wiffey and you believed him. cry because he told you he loved you. cry because you wanted him so bad. it’s okay to admit this. cry because he held you and squeezed you and fell asleep on you and cry because he took this all away with the first fuck you. cry because he hurt you and the people you love and because he listened to his ego more than to your heart. cry because he let you down. because he cared about being dominant more than loving you. because he made you feel like a worthless penny when you would have done anything for him. cry. cry some more. but don’t cry because it’s over. people don’t change. stop giving chances. people who hammer bitter sentences and insulting words on the walls beneath your skin, don’t deserve love. don’t cry over someone who has the least respect for you. someone who uses your body like a walk-in-closet and confesses his love only in privacy. you are not a secret. 

you are a fucking masterpiece. 

you deserve someone who not only sees this, but wants to show it to the world. it’s over. you can smile now.

listen to me. i know you feel different now. though don’t let this change you. he isn’t worth it. not one bit. no one who chooses to hurt you over and over again, is worth it. it’s okay to miss him. but realize it’s not him you miss but the idea of him: what you thought he was. forgive yourself for putting him above everything and everyone when he never even fought for you. forgive yourself for chasing someone who found amusement in being chased and took you for granted. forgive yourself for convincing your heart that he was the one.

understand this: people that are unstable and lost and unaware of who they are, are incapable of loving. his claims don’t make a reality. he never loved you.

understand this: everything he said about you was a projection of what he felt about himself.

listen. 

whatever happens next, i know what you are capable of. don’t be a warrior. don’t fight. don’t battle the demons, don’t walk around with your arms and fists up. don’t turn hard. I’m not asking you for a promise, i am giving you an order: heal yourself. you have to. you can’t let this turn you into a monster. heal yourself and come out stronger and brighter and wiser. and don’t look back. 

once you realize your worth, you will realize there isn’t anything to look back on anyways.

listen to me.

this is it okay? you are free.