Advice straight from Life Essentials Health Care. Surely they must know what’s best for us.  (  b ° v °)b

An examination of the infamous and commonly exaggerated "What a passionate person" scene, in both English and French. (Note: The original Japanese dialogue matches the English translation almost exactly, so I won’t bother addressing it.)

In the English version, the professor is obviously calm while speaking about Lysandre. His sentences all end in periods…

…until he starts talking to you about your journey. Now we've got exclamations!

It's amazing how many people read Lysandre's hate speech perfectly fine, but as soon as Platane says "What a passionate person," they resolve to not read ANY of his dialogue past this point for the rest of the game. I’ve seen so many make fun of him and portray him as gushing unabashedly over Lysandre and his views, so I was very surprised when I got to this part of the game and was able to see what actually happened. Oh! Not only is the professor so calm, but he’s quick to strongly imply that you probably shouldn’t take Lysandre’s views to heart and supplants them with something wholesome. Where was this in fandom??

I, personally, was given the impression of a scientist making an analytical observation, stating Lysandre’s demeanor and pondering on the motive. Lysandre IS passionate. Where is the lie? Platane is at no point agreeing with the hate speech, and is clearly telling you that you don’t have to agree, either. And then he seems much more concerned about YOU, the player, and how you're doing.

---

I can’t deny that the French version seems to be much more in line with the fan portrayal…at first. Here he is jazzed as all get out over Lysandre –

“What fire, what passion! What an orator! There is such heat that emerges from him! Like a blaze! I imagine that it’s the pride of his lineage that speaks.”

‘What an orator’? Yes, French!Platane does seem suspiciously in Lysandre’s corner. But then he IMMEDIATELY turns it around and is just as emphatic in speaking against him.

“But the words of Monsieur Lysandre actually only express his point of view, not necessarily THE truth. Bah!” The ‘Bah!’ at the end cracks me up every time. I can’t help imagining him doing a dismissive hand wave.

“Screw what Lysandre says. BAH!”  (  ≡︶ ^ ︶≡)ノ

I've seen several people try to measure Professor Platane's height using various pieces of merchandise, game models, etc., but the results that they got seemed way too tall and I can’t remember their methods in calculating. This is the only close shot of him standing near anyone in the game, but it’s unreliable without knowing the protagonist’s height:

And looking at him in comparison to other characters in the anime (which isn’t terrifically consistent anyways), he just didn't look to me like he would be over six feet, unless the other characters are taller than I think they are. There’s no doubt that the reason people assume he’s tall is because of how long and slim his legs look in proportion to his overall height, but that’s not an accurate indicator. I spent a LONG time assuming Steven Starphase was more than six feet...until I came upon his official profile, which says he’s 5′10″. The way Emiya Kiritsugu is drawn in the Fate/Zero manga makes him look unquestionably tall as well...but he’s only 5′7″! So, I’ve always headcanoned Professor Platane as being 5'10". Thought it sounded reasonable.

Now look what I have found on a Japanese blog!

It’s from the...*takes a breath*... Pocket Monster XY Official Guidebook Perfect Kalos Complete Illustration Guide. Huu.

The poster guessed that the protagonist would be around 5' 2" and the professor around 5' 9". (The key word being “around.”) I attempted some measuring using Platane’s thumb, and I’m pretty sure that’s legit! I feel vindicated!!

( This is assuming that the Pokemons’ heights include the ears, which of course is not an accurate way of measuring height but that’s how the games do it. : / )

Hard to believe that an entire year has gone by since I first discovered the near-and-dear-to-my-heart Professor Platane. So much has happened, and I've written many long posts during that time that I've never actually...y'know...posted. So to celebrate this anniversary, let's have a talk about him now.

I didn't expect much starting out. Judging from most of the fanworks and discussions I'd seen about him, he seemed to be a "funny pervert" type of character. A whimsical, silly fop who didn't amount to much, and most of the value people place on him seems to be solely for his appearance. I wasn't impressed the first time I saw his official game art. (Heck, I’m still not; that picture is kind of terrible.) He's scrawny, pasty, has bags under his eyes and a funky tentacle-like hairstyle. If it wasn't for him being a scientist, or more specifically, a biologist, I might not have even bothered with him at all. I simply thought, "He seems like he could be entertaining for a bit." A couple of months passed until I properly watched a playthrough of the game. Took a week from start to finish. And I...was totally blown away. The man turned out to be NOTHING like what I'd seen in fandom. He wasn't a flirtatious idiot undeserving of his scientific degree, or a gullible man-child who can hardly look after himself, or a vain elitist turning his nose up at the "unstylish". He wasn't "simple-minded", either. I don't know what version everyone else was playing (The French version? He's admittedly rather eccentric in that, and I haven’t fully translated the original Japanese yet to see if it’s accurate), but the Professor Platane I saw was beautiful. And that statement has naught to do with his looks. The impression I got from him was one of a wise and gentle man who cheerfully encourages the people he meets to experience life as thoroughly as they can and to be accepting without being foolish. Genuinely enthusiastic about science, discovery and exploration. Altruistic, supportive and open-minded. Kind and patient, full of energy, fun and friendly. Why do people keep writing him off as "simple"? Examining his hero complex had me hooked intensely. I don't think it's simple at all and is part of what makes him so inspiring. To be disappointed by one’s perceived limitations, but to continue doing one’s utmost to make a difference even if it doesn’t seem like much. And my absolute FAVORITE quote from him is, "The more we learn, the more there is to learn! Ah, the thrill of research! " (It’s phrased slightly differently in the English version; I just prefer how the French line translates.) He doesn't have awesome combat skills and he doesn't have any supernatural powers. He doesn’t have any military, police or mercenary-of-justice experience (Though he seems to be trying to have something similar vicariously through his kids… Aforementioned hero complex.). He doesn't have anywhere near as much screen-time as most of my favorite characters. But I’m fairly confident in saying that I won’t find another character that could replace his importance to me for many years, if ever. There are plenty of others who are more attractive, exciting, talented and powerful. (For example, I happen to be really into Steven Starphase right now.)  But from a normal, realistic perspective, Professor Platane is perfect for me. As a shy and fatigued homebody who wants to improve my quality of life, I feel that his gregariousness and love of travel could surely motivate me to make more of an effort to Plus Ultra past my current boundaries. He shares my love for science, and he would likely brightly appreciate the sorts of things I do that others don’t. If only I could find a real-life equivalent, I’m certain I would be a healthier, happier person… C’est la vie. The only change I can think of that I would make to him would be to pack some decent weight on him. He's awfully thin for a foodie, don’t you think? But I’ll save that talk for another day. (Also, body hair? It pleases me that I’m not the only one who headcanons him as being quite hairy, though, in being a Japanese anime or just an animated character in general, he isn’t actually shown having any in canon.) I love the professor so dearly, and it's a shame that it seems as though so few people actually appreciate him. It's exhausting how any time I come across a pool of comments about him, the majority are either a bunch of shallow children calling him "hot/sexy/babe", malcontents claiming that he’d be more interesting if he was evil because “good is boring”, or resentful nerds deriding the wholesome qualities he displays and/or his popularity. On one forum, I saw a whole group of guys talking about how they couldn't understand why anyone would like Platane. Really, sons? REALLY? What terrible conditions have you been living in to be that disconnected from general human values? What type of person would YOU rather have in your company, then? Someone cruel and unpleasant?

SO THEN! Here's to cher Professeur Platane! I'm endlessly glad he exists, and though I was absent during the grand hoopla of his initial release into the world, I'm grateful that I was able to find him eventually.

The one thing that greatly annoyed me while reading Fate/Zero is how persistently the narration keeps demanding admiration for Lancer's appearance. It goes on and on and on at length about how "beautiful" and "handsome" and irresistible he is. I know what the guy looks like, and being repeatedly told ad nauseam that I should be all over him started to rankle me after a while. It made me want to yell out, "Have you not ever seen Emiya Kiritsugu??"

Just look at how luxuriously fluffy he is!

I don’t often see such hair on completely-serious adult characters. Kids, sure, but if there’re a bunch more grown men with hair like this, let me know. I can name only...two, off the top of my head. If I plunge my hand into that big foofy mop, will I be able to reach through a portal to the Dimension of Fluff?

Plus, his smile is... You already saw it in action up above, but here's a still shot. Heart-attack inducer.

AND ANOTHER.

How about some sweeter expressions?

And yet the book keeps saying over and over, "You ought to have the hots for this wanker over here."

This isn’t anything new. I’m just tired of years of so much media telling me that the “fabulous” guys are beautiful and that I should agree. The book isn’t simply describing Lancer’s physical traits objectively, it’s throwing in completely biased terms as if they’re facts, and Lancer is the ONLY character that is given such favorable treatment. And yes, I know Japanese (generally speaking) have different ideals on what constitutes as an attractive man, but... It just... It just feels like there's no contest between these two, and Kiritsugu is the winning side. I haven’t even watched the show yet. I’m just pulling these pictures off of Google, and may I say…YES, SIR??

Why, yes, mister author, I’ll have you know that I and many others happen to PREFER the nicely-dressed fellows with light stubble and maturity lines. It’s a fairly common desire. Amazing, isn’t it?

If Kiritsugu isn’t intended to be considered a handsome man, then... I don’t understand. At all.

In God’s War, Jet obtained the ability to teleport. I’ve explored the possibilities of teleporting-Jet plenty of times before, but only just today was gifted with this mental image:

Some of the team is pinned down somewhere. They can’t leave their position, there’s immediate danger, etc. One of them - I was going to give a name, but I can comfortably see ANY of them doing this - puts their hands around their mouth and loudly sings out, “LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, JET LINK IS THERE!!”

Jet appears out of nowhere, grabs everyone present, says “In The Dolphin!” and poof. They’re all safely in The Dolphin.   (  b ‘ v ‘ )b

A fishman!McCree AU that I’m sharing ‘cause I thought it was different enough from my usual aimless fishman-meets-humans stories. ----- In his youth, McCree was part of a ragtag pack of fishmen that viciously harassed humans mostly just because they could, and because they saw the ocean as their territory and them non-scaly, finless folk don’t belong there. The group was finally captured by Overwatch, but McCree was recognized as being particularly clever and a quick study. So it was decided that he would be educated enough to be used for underwater missions for Overwatch. It was rough going at first, for McCree was none too pleased at being shuffled around between various tanks and forced to learn the ways of the humans. There were plenty of escape attempts, but those were obviously wasted effort given that fighting on land is pretty hard when you have no legs, need your arms for walking and your head’s only a few feet from the ground. Despite this, he did manage to get some good damage in with his calculated tactics and sharp teeth. Even though he was causing trouble, many couldn’t help but feel impressed - especially Reyes, who thought the loudly hissing fishboy thrashing around like an upset earthworm would do just fine after enough discipline. Fortunately, it didn’t take too long for him to take a shine to humankind and their world. McCree eventually became close friends with plenty of Overwatch’s members and settled into comfortable routines with how his life was managed. He took pride in completing missions to the best of his ability and greatly enjoyed the many commodities that could only exist on land – the food, entertainment, etc. After Overwatch shut down, he was unwillingly released back into the wild, but… He’d been living with humans for more than ten years, with only a little bit of contact with other fishpeople. It was only natural that he couldn’t fit in with his own kind anymore. As the years continued to pass, he tried to keep helping humans out in the ocean, with mixed results. Some were afraid of him and treated him like a dangerous animal; others were kind and offered him meals to reward his good deeds. (Not much else you can give someone who lives in water…) I’ve got a bit of a branch here: In the more realistic version, McCree lost his arm due to a conflict with either other fishmen or a human. The past few years have been even more of a struggle than before thanks to that, and he’s really lonely and desperate for human interaction. Someone from the old days finds him wandering around on a beach somewhere and “brings him home”. He’s given his prosthetic arm and the news that Overwatch is possibly coming back together. In another version, I considered going the Little Mermaid route and have him willingly sacrifice his arm to a mysterious being in order to become human. Is it science or magic? Whichever it is, McCree has to adapt to having a human body and is conflicted on whether this was a good idea or not. Being warm-blooded is pretty darn nice, though.

At the dinner table, my mother was describing a character in a show as being from “one of those little countries around Russia.” I was very tired with my head in my hand and bluntly stated, “Lithuania, Estonia and Latvia.”

Her whole face lit up and she exclaimed, “WOW!! How did you know that?! I’m impressed!” I looked up with a smile, and she was just starting to say, “Ahh, Het-” in realization when my dad, who was at the kitchen sink, called out, “Must be in an anime.”

Horrible story time! Have you ever played or watched SOMA? Great game. This might be a mild spoiler, but… I’ll just say that it’s got various robots in it who have the memories of humans, and they are in such denial of being robots that they actually perceive themselves as having human bodies. This denial is supposed to prevent them from going completely insane, which is what happens to most of the people who ended up accepting that they aren’t human anymore. I’ve seen a couple of jokes about McCree secretly being a robot in old posts from before he was ever shown without the prosthetic arm. What if…that was true…and McCree didn’t even know.

McCree didn’t just lose his arm. He was killed. The original Jesse McCree is dead, and the one in present time is an extremely advanced android (not sure if Omnic? Omnics seem to be a very specific type of android) that had McCree’s memories put into it. He’s so convinced that he’s a flesh-and-blood human that he doesn’t properly process when non-human things happen to him. His thoughts just kind of skate over it. He thinks he feels hunger, pain and fatigue, but it’s all in his head. None of it is real. His memories are just plugging in what he thinks he SHOULD be feeling. When people question his seemingly unnatural strength and durability, he’ll give casual responses about how he’s just blessed like that, or his training paid off. Just like in SOMA, whenever the topic of him being a robot is insisted to him, he becomes increasingly more aggressive and violent until he blacks out. Upon regaining consciousness, he can’t remember the most recent things that he’s seen and heard. This happens every time he needs repairs. Normally he’s pretty good at avoiding the kind of damage that would require repairs, but when he does take an especially brutal hit, he always sees open flesh and blood instead of the machinery and lubricant that’s actually there. So he’s utterly baffled when whoever’s treating him pulls out wrenches and other equipment that you wouldn’t use in human surgery. He can’t be an android, that’s just ridiculous. Isn’t it? ISN’T IT?? After he’s patched up, he either has false memories of being treated as a human or doesn’t remember the session at all. I don’t know how many of the other Overwatch members would know about this. His death occurred during the time of Overwatch’s disbandment, so I don’t even know if he was made into an android by someone affiliated with them or not. …I think I actually made myself cry a little the first time I explored this concept. McCree was having one of his denial fits at Angela. After he wakes up after the blackout and, seeing that Angela appears upset, concernedly asks what happened… She just has to lie through a smile to keep from setting him off again. *breathes slowly*

People’s memories not working properly always messes me up. People around those people wanting to help them and not knowing how messes me up even more. Why did I do this. Curse you, scientific exploration.

I must’ve seen ten people or so associating McCree with the “Cottoneye Joe” song, but not a single mention of “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?” I’d think that’d be an obvious one, though perhaps only for the chorus. Where is my Marlboro man? Where is his shining gun? Where is my Lone-ly Ranger? Where have all the cowboys gone?

But to be honest, what I really want is to hear McCree sing “Sound Off the Sirens” by Sam Tinnesz. I use that as an Overwatch song in general, but if the voice during the verses was a bit deeper... Some McCree voice impersonator needs to sing it.