you are a wise person, and i have a question. how exactly do you describe asexuality and aromanticism? what makes it different?
I don't think I'm that wise, but I guess that is something about yourself that is hard to gauge without an outsider's perspective. (also this is probably gonna be a mess of a post and a bit all over the place because I kinda just woke up and have work soon, sorry lol)
Just by labels alone, asexuality is little to no SEXUAL attraction to others, while aromanticism is little to no ROMANTIC attraction to others. Technically you can still have some attraction (sexual or romantic) and still be aro and/or ace.
Though if you can't tell the difference from sexual and romantic attraction then those definitions don't really help all that much. I've seen plenty of posts and even heard people IRL say stuff like a marriage without sex is a loveless marriage or how once the fun in the sheets dies then the relationship is over.
Which can be a pretty big problem for aro/ace people who show love in different ways that might not be sexual (there are still aro/ace people who have sex either because of high libido, wanting to please their partners, or just liking sex without the attraction part which is another thing that other labels and non-queer people sometimes have a hard time understanding).
This is why, for me, it is hard to explain the difference between aromanticism and asexuality, because not everyone knows/cares about the difference between sex and romance.
I don't know if my lack of wanting to be touched by others is an asexual thing, an autistic thing, or a trauma response. Same with my lack of romantic interest being aromantic or autistic or an introvert thing. To me, these identities are really hard to define or even realize you are part of because it is the LACK of attraction.
I very much thought I was pansexual or bisexual for a very long time because I had that "I feel the same way to everyone" idea, only to later find out I just don't have any feelings and it's a 0+0=0 deal.
I'm pretty sure it was actually a microlabel that made me realize I was actually asexual! (which is why I am a defender of microlabels because I needed to know the specific way I felt was included under an umbrella term before I realized I was actually under that term. I still struggle calling myself trans even though genderfluid is under the trans umbrella).
But yea! I'm Aegosexual, meaning "individuals on the asexual spectrum who feel disconnected from the subject of arousal." You can have sexual desires but not related to you, or have no interest in being a part of the sexual fantasy you have yourself.
I only EVER had sexual desires for fictional characters and never had any kind of desire to be with a real life human at all (which I think is because of my touch aversion). And even with those characters, I never had fully detailed desires or fantasies. Nothing ever went all the way and it's mostly just cuddles and make out sessions.
Really I just put all these pieces together, found a microlabel that worked for me, and then worked backwards because my specific situation fit that label and got me to the Asexual label.
I basically knew by that point I was not sexually interested in others at all. So it wasn't a true surprise that I realized I was asexual. I was able to disconnect sex and romance pretty well so I thought I was homoromantic asexual (or biromantic, again, I didn't realize I was aromantic at the time so I was again doing the 0+0=0 thing but for romance this time lol).
I only recently started identifying as aromantic because I just realized I was okay in never having a relationship with another person. The only person I ever saw myself getting into a relationship with is my best friend and I think THAT was only because of heteronormitivity being pushed onto me that I very much got over.
It doesn't help that most of the time if I don't see a friend (or family member) in front of me/in my life for a while, I just sort of push them out of my mind and forget about them. It's an object permanence kind of situation I have where I just don't connect people to me unless I can see them/interact with them. Which probably helped me realize I wouldn't be good in a relationship as I would be distant and sucky as a partner.
That realization I would be a shit partner as well as only feeling compelled to be in a relationship because of heteronormitivity or because I didn't want to say no to a friend that asked really ended up sealing the deal for me later on that I was aromantic.
Okay, sorry for the personal analogies and stuff. But that is the best way I can describe aromanticism and asexuality. I know I kinda skated around the topics, but to me these labels are feelings, or lack of feelings, that I had to come to terms to and realize what they meant for me.
It also doesn't help that people have different ideas of what sex and romance are. What could be seen as a romantic dinner date between two people could end up just being a casual hang out between two friends. Or sex is just a fun past time instead of a super intimate moment between two people.
If you don't see stuff like hand holding or sex as intimate actions, or have any romance or sexual desires behind them, then you could be aromantic and/or asexual but others would think you aren't.
I know my sister thinks if you have sex you can't be asexual even though I've told her countless times that you can have a high libido, just like the action, or want to make your partner happy all without actually being sexually attracted to them and yet she still says if you have sex you can't be asexual.
It really is hard to define these labels (and other labels too honestly) because everyone has a different idea of what counts as sex or romance. But if you can disconnect sex and romance, and realize you have one or the other (or neither), then you have a better chance of realizing if you are or aren't asexual/aromantic.
For me it was thinking of my future and wondering if I would ever be okay marrying, having a relationship, having sex, doing all the stereotypical "loving" things, and I realized that no. I would not be able to do that.
I will admit, I am a selfish person. I have a hard time caring about other people, but when I do I care deeply about them. But even then, if they are not near me, or if they have something I can't relate to, I end up not actually caring. Though I do still try to be there for friends and family, and act like I do care, but I honestly don't.
I think that kind of mindset also helped me realize I was aroace. As I can't care enough to be a good partner or even try to get a partner, and I know I wouldn't care enough to put their needs over mine (or compromise on sex/romance/touching) at all.
Basically I felt an ick thinking of being in a relationship (whether it was a sexless one, a romanceless one, both, or a "normal" one, I just couldn't do it in my head) and let that help me decide if I was aromantic and asexual.
Probably not the best way to do it, and this was probably not the best explanation at all (because my two sides are highly technical definition or very personal stories when it comes to explanations apparently), but this is how I differentiate the two for others, even though to me they are a connected label of aroace.
