How to respond when someone tries to drag you into shipping or kink discourse when you don't want to

Copy and paste the following:

I understand. You found paradise in America, you had a good trade, you made a good living. The police protected you and there were courts of law. You didn’t need a friend like me. But, now you come to me, and you say: “Don Corleone, do you support this ship/kink?” But you don’t ask with respect. You don’t offer friendship. You don’t even think to call me Godfather. Instead, you come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married, and you ask me to get involved in your discourse.

when i’m starting to ship a couple that will never be canon

Canon: and so they never met

Fanfic: here’s a funny story

Canon: There was tension and pining, but they never even kissed.

Fanfic: Actually,

Canon: Torture the cinnamon roll.

Fanfic: Torture the cinnamon roll.

Canon: When they traveled they stayed in separate rooms

Fanfic: AND. THERE. WAS. ONLY. ONE. BED!!!!!

Canon: … and they were roommates.

Fanfic: oh my god, they were roommates…

Canon: They were international assassins who assassinated assassins.

Fanfic: But hot DAMN wait till you hear about this cafe they opened

Canon: They had a coffeeshop

Fanfic: but they were ASSASSINS

Canon: they were mortal enemies and attempted to murder each other on multiple occasions

Fanfic: bUT THEY GOT MARRIED AND ADOPTED CHILDREN

Everytime I reblog this has a new addition and it’s the best

Canon: They were straight

Fanfic: Lol

I’m officially done I feel like I’m going to burst into tears in math class like “mah feels”

Carly!!!

I kknew tumblr would know what i was talking about in precalc the other day.

shipping

When I see content for a ship I don’t like

Me, a writer: Ugh, why is so hard to get two attractive people to fuck already.

Favorite trope 348234: when person who nearly died wakes up in hospital bed, looks around, sees the object of their affection asleep in a chair next to them because they haven’t moved in days

There are a couple of things about current shipping culture that confuse me.  

1. The focus on whether or not a pairing will become canon as a reason people should ship something or not.  Do you not understand what the “transformative” part of “transformative works” means?”

2. This idea that saying “I ship that” means “I think that, as presented in canon,this is a perfect, healthy relationship that everyone should model their relationship after.” 

Sometimes shipping something does mean that.  Sometimes shipping something means “Person A is a trash bag who doesn’t deserve person B but I would love to explore how Person A might grow to deserve Person B.” Sometimes it means “I want these characters to live together forever in a conflict free domestic AU.”  Sometimes it means “I want Person A to forever pine after Person B.  Nothing is beautiful and everything hurts.”  And sometimes it just means you like their faces and want to see Person A and Person B bone in various configurations and universes. 

Listen to your parents, kids.

This really should be one of a handful of Public Service Announcements randomly and chronically inserted into one’s dash.

Hell man sometimes it means “these two are TERRIBLE and I want to watch them burn like a catastrophic forest fire as a proxy for all the shit I don’t actually want in real life (like to light my own apartment on fire and scream) and then laugh at the destruction at the end.” 

All “I ship it” really means – really – is “I think there’s a story in those two, and I want to hear it.”

Word - there’s a huge difference between “there is a story (or many) in these two, and I want to see it” and “they’re a great, healthy relationship, and everyone should totally aspire to that IRL!” World of difference.

Good morning! I’m salty.

I think we, as a general community, need to start taking this little moment more seriously.

This, right here? This is asking for consent. It’s a legal necessity, yes, but it is also you, the reader, actively consenting to see adult content; and in doing so, saying that you are of an age to see it, and that you’re emotionally capable of handling it.

You find the content you find behind this warning disgusting, horrifying, upsetting, triggering? You consented. You said you could handle it, and you were able to back out at any time. You take responsibility for yourself when you click through this, and so long as the creator used warnings and tags correctly, you bear full responsibility for its impact on you.

“Children are going to lie about their age” is probably true, but that’s the problem of them and the people who are responsible for them, not the people that they lie to.

If you’re not prepared to see adult content, created by and for adults, don’t fucking click through this. And if you do, for all that’s holy, don’t blame anyone else for it.

^^^^^^^^^^^

“But why do you ship a hero with the villain??! Its so problema-“

“For the angst Karen. I need some drama before they fuck. It aint that deep.“

OTP fights in fanfiction

Person 1: (loud arguing)

Person 2: (loud arguing)

Person 1: BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!!!

Person 2: (stunned silence)

Me:

Problematic shipping: warehouse and delivery companies like Amazon that exploit their workers.

Not problematic shipping: any fucking fanfic.