THIS GUY WAS HITTING ON ME AND MAKING ME SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE, SO I TOLD HIM I HAVE A BOYFRIEND (because he seemed like one of those guys who, whilst they don’t respect women, they do respect another man’s “claim” on a woman) AND HE WAS LIKE “PROVE IT; SHOW ME A PICTURE” SO I SHOWED HIM THE BACKGROUND ON MY MOBILE AND HE BELIEVED ME

THIS IS MY MOBILE BACKGROUND:

I TOLD HIM IT WAS A PICTURE OF MY BOYFRIEND IN COSTUME FOR A PLAY. THANK YOU OSCAR WILDE FOR GETTING THAT FUCKBOY TO LEAVE.

I consider myself to be a real 90s kid. a real 1890s kid. seduce me with your knowledge of oscar wilde

I consider myself to be a real 90s kid. a real 1890s kid. seduce me with your knowledge of oscar wilde

I can’t belive I actually did it.

ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you my post™

5 Times Pie Would Have Saved the Day in Classic Literature

It is a truth universally acknowledged that pie is beautiful and delicious, and classic novels are full of characters gritting through their complicated, difficult lives. But what if these characters had a heartwarming slice of pie? Things could have been very different…

1. Captain Ahab. Was ever a man more in need of a slice of coconut cream pie? Like the giant whale Moby Dick, coconut cream pie is large and white, but far less likely to induce unholy fury and a life-shattering revenge spree. Plus, Ahab would have to sail to some beautiful tropic isle to obtain the requisite coconuts, and a balmy tropic vacation could only do good things for his chilly temper.

2. Scarlett O’Hara. This feisty Southern belle has demonstrated time and again that she won’t give her heart away easily. The only solution to her inevitable loneliness is a cherry pie as bold, classic, and all-American as Scarlett herself.

3. Dorian Gray. Rich, dreamy, and devilishly smooth. Are we describing Dorian Gray or a chocolate silk pie? You don’t know, and that’s why they’re the perfect match. Perhaps if Dorian had been able to channel the passions of his youth into eating chocolate pies, he wouldn’t have turned out as dark and bitter as a Ghiradelli 86% cacao bar. Just sayin’.

4. Miss Havisham. Jilted at the altar. Left alone with her misery in a rotting home. Surrounded for years by reminders of her thwarted romance. This woman needs some SUNSHINE in her life, for goodness’ sake! No pie is better suited to the task than a cheery lemon meringue. Its pillowy meringue, sunny yellow curd, and buttery crust are enough to make anyone clear out the cobwebs and start spring cleaning.

5. Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy. Look, man. We know you tried. But heading into a proposal with the general game plan of “Insult family, point out her inferiority, bring up class difference, overwhelm her with ardent love” was a pretty poor strategy, all things considered. Imagine how things might have gone over with Elizabeth B. if you had shown up, casually, with a steaming rhubarb pie. You could have told her her that the bold tartness of the rhubarb reminds you of her stinging wit, but that you believe she could also be subtly sweet. Things could have gone so much better for you, Darcy.

But, since you botched the first proposal attempt, maybe you should go practice swimming in the lake at Pemberley. Don’t ask us why.

Pie is important.

Happy Pi Day, y’all!

Honestly in all of these stories these poetic white men who somehow end up immortal get so bored and miserable because they just sit in their mansion all day doing whatever it is they need to do in order to sustain their immortality and then they just throw lavish parties and organize orgies or whatever and then they’re like “why am I sad I eat three course meals and have at least one orgy daily what MORE could I POSSIBLY need??”

Like???? Damn go for a walk. Do you even KNOW your neighbors? Get a dog and take it to the park. Set up an elaborate fish tank. Go skiing like you’ve been alive for 200 years and you’ve spent 180 of it in your house looking at paintings and drinking wine with other rich assholes no wonder ur life sucks my man.

Buy a canoe.

this post was specifically targeting dorian grey.

tag urself i’m lord B Y E ron

i want a show called Man Vs. Wilde where someone is put in the jungle with oscar wilde and has to survive not only the elements but also wilde’s random attacks and massive ego

No. 

Mann vs. Wilde.

Thomas Mann’s pretensiousness and sexual repression vs. Oscar Wilde’s sarcasm and blatant queerness.

Give it to me.

Badly Drawn Oscar Wilde on Etsy

Happy birthday, Oscar Wilde!

i want a show called Man Vs. Wilde where someone is put in the jungle with oscar wilde and has to survive not only the elements but also wilde’s random attacks and massive ego

No. 

Mann vs. Wilde.

Thomas Mann’s pretensiousness and sexual repression vs. Oscar Wilde’s sarcasm and blatant queerness.

Give it to me.

Oscar Wilde, who needed the money (via socialjusticewargames)

“Which author would you want to bring into 2015″ is such a hard question to answer I mean you could watch Arthur Conan Doyle despair over everything Sherlock Holmes within the last century or you could present Douglas Adams with an iPad

I would quite like to unleash Dickens on the Tories.

imagine William Shakespeare in the age of social media. 24/7 supreme dick jokes and the world celebrates.

Victor Hugo vs Twitter’s 140 character limit

Okay but Oscar Wilde on Instagram

Jane Austen blogging about everyone around her delightfully and taking down society with subtle burns

Imagine Walt Whitman with a snapchat tho

Edgar Allan Poe’s Tumblr would be so angsty and melodramatic, even jr high Tumblies would unfollow him.