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Jane Eyre goes up to the counter and orders a venti earl grey tea. It is raining outside. The barista is ugly and cold to her, but she falls in love with him anyway. There is a banging from the back room of the Starbucks, but the barista seems unconcerned. “It won’t affect me bringing you your coffee,” he assures Jane. He is wrong about this.
@sandylipstick asked for Jane Eyre!
Long John Silver swashbuckles up to the counter and orders a piece of hard tack and some fish sticks.
The baristas don’t know how to explain to the pirate that this is perhaps not the fast-food franchise for him, so they just hand him all the cash from the register to avoid further swashbuckling.
He swashbuckles out the door and sails away under cover of darkness.
…and all of your friends, family, professors, teachers, students, casual acquaintances, pets, congressional representatives, and pirate captains desperately need holiday gifts.
Take a cue from @powells (and Nora’s sister’s friend who took this picture) and get the best possible holiday gift for someone you love (or don’t love – it’s your life).
Get Literary Starbucks at your favorite indie bookstore! Or on Amazon! Or at Barnes & Noble!
We’re so proud of the book and the reviews we’ve gotten since it came out this August, and the best Christmas present we could ever receive is lots of people sharing the book (and the blog!) with friends and family.
This was a shameless plug, but it would also be a shame if you forgot to buy a present for your nerdy cousin. May we recommend Literary Starbucks?
I own this book (because the authors sent it to me because I won a copy) and after you read it and enjoy it, it is perfect for the coffee table you never use for coffee because you go to Starbucks instead.
Hamlet goes up to the counter and can’t decide what to order.
Petruchio drags Kate up to the counter, asks what she’d like to drink, and then knocks her cup out of her hand. She tears open the plastic bag that contains his egg salad sandwich and hurls it across the room. Later, the barista catches them making out in the broom closet.
J.K. Rowling goes up to the counter and orders seven pumpkin spice lattes. The barista gives her eight.
Homer goes up to the counter and asks if they have any wine dark teas. The barista goes in back to check. He doesn’t return for 20 years.
Dostoevsky goes up to the counter and spends two hours frantically trying to decide what to order. When he finally makes a decision, he sits in a corner and broods for the next several weeks. He is finally arrested for loitering and taken to prison overnight. He fears that he will face execution. He is an idiot.
Harry Potter goes up to the counter and orders a butterbeer latte because Dumbledore told him to, and he’s pretty sure he can trust that guy.
Winston Smith goes up to the counter and orders off the secret menu. The barista makes him a simple espresso instead. Smith takes it and drinks it in one gulp. He loves Starbucks.
Emily Dickinson goes up to the counter and stands there in complete silence before quietly ordering a cup of tea. When the barista asks for her name, she says, “I’m nobody. Who are you?” Amherst claims this took place in their onsite Starbucks.
William Carlos
Williams
orders shaken iced
tea lemonade.
It is delicious
so sweet
and so cold.
Austen goes up to the counter and orders a cinnamon spice latte. The barista is a bore. The man behind her in line orders exactly what she orders; he too is a bore. He is handsome in the conventional sense, but there is no chance they could ever be married.
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry goes up to the counter and sees that his barista is a grown-up. That is unfortunate, because grown-ups do not understand anything unless it is explained to them very clearly. He asks for a cup of coffee that’s sweet but not too sweet. The barista doesn’t understand his order. He is not surprised. A very small barista appears behind the counter and makes his coffee for him without missing a beat. They have a long conversation. Saint-Exupéry thinks he understands things a little bit better now. The small barista disappears.
Hera spends her time in Starbucks tidying up after everyone else’s messes. The baristas try to hire her. She is offended and turns them all into peacocks.
‘Twas frothy, and the slithy beans Did grind and trimble in the shabe; All mimsy were the ice-o-treens, And the tea bags outgrabe.
“Beware the Barista, my son The beard that waves, avuncular! Beware the Managers, and shun The frumious customer!”
He took his vorpal wallet in hand; Long time the manxome cup he sought— So rested he on a stool by the window, And sat awhile in thought.
And, as in uffish thought he sat, The Barista, with apron of flame, Came sniffling through the trambly pat, And burbled as it came!
Mocha! Latte! And swiftly there The vorpal wallet produced a bill! He ordered three, with such great speed, It left the server dead.
“And hast thou slain the Barista? Come to my arms, my beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!” He chortled in his joy.
‘Twas frothy, and the slithy beans Did grind and trimble in the shabe; All mimsy were the ice-o-treens, And the tea bags outgrabe.
The Brothers Grimm go up to the counter and order two hazelnut macchiatos. They sit in a corner and chat up every person who walks by their table, taking copious notes on their conversations. Their coffees are blacker than most people remember them.
