English Major Humor

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arthur weasley, aka the world’s biggest muggleboo who probably larps as an office worker on the weekends

officemaster: you have… *rolls dice* successfully transferred the call to your boss’ voicemail! you hear the distant ringing of the fellytone from the inner office for a moment before the machine picks up, securely delivering the regional manager’s message to its intended recipient.

arthur weasley: *pumps fist in air, high-fives xenophilius lovegood*

sirius black: is it my turn yet?

officemaster: no.

xenophilius lovegood: i search the supply closet for binder clips.

officemaster: *rolls dice* you find a small cardboard box with three binder clips in it, but in the process of retrieving it from the high shelf, you knock a bottle of toner off. it hits your left pinky toe. *rolls dice* you lose 1 HP.

xenophilius lovegood: best fetch quest EVER.

sirius black: so is it my turn now?

officemaster: no, shut up. remus?

remus lupin: wait, is arthur still at the front desk?

arthur weasley: yeah

remus lupin: i approach the front desk. *clears throat* “Hello, Shirley. Were there any messages for me while I was out?”

arthur weasley: “Yes, Mr. Crumplebottom. Phillip Smythe from home office called about your business trip. I put him through to your voicemail.”

remus lupin: “Good work! Thank you very much. I shall remeber this come time for your Christmas bonus.”

sirius black: is it my turn yettt???

officemaster: merlin’s balls man, yes, it’s your turn

sirius black: i attempt to seduce the visiting sales representative

remus lupin: what? you can’t do that

sirius black: sure i can, i have like 25 charisma points

remus lupin: but we’ve all got the casual friday modifier right now, and if you get a sexual harassment lawsuit we can’t advance to the next meeting until the litigation phase is over

sirius black: i’m chaotic neutral, what were you expecting?

remus lupin: besides, arthur’s receptionist character found out she was married in the last session, remember? you would have to roll a natural 20

arthur weasley: hey, no metagaming–sirius’ character wasn’t there at the time, he was trapped in the fax machine

xenophilius lovegood: i still don’t think that’s how fax machines actually work

officemaster: sirius?

sirius black: yeah, arthur’s right, i couldn’t have known about that. *shrugs* i attempt to seduce her.

remus lupin: oh my god i hate you so much right now

sirius black: get bent lupin

remus lupin: you wish

sirius black: i don’t have to

officemaster: *rolls dice* *winces*

sirius black: what? what happened?

Yeah! What happened?!

Sirius botched both his action and his save. His character was fatally bear-maced in the face. Remus’ character was forced to spend an entire session on sensitivity training for his remaining employees. Sirius returned in the following session as a dual-class IT guy and paladin. 

but real question: who’s the officemaster??

I just came across this again and I realized I never addressed this very important question: the officemaster is and always was Aberforth.