Introducing: Crappy Bookselling!

“Crappy Bookselling” is a regular feature in which classic literature is reviewed by a crappy bookseller who obviously has not read the book.

This Week: Moby Dick by Herman Melville 

A hilarious spoof of the whale-oil industry, Moby Dick follows the crew of the Santa Maria as they cross the Seven Seas in a hopelessly ill-fated attempt to get Captain Kebab home before his wedding. But the real comedy starts when Isaac, the narrator, notices someone has been trailing the boat: A lonely white whale by the name of Moby. Not knowing his own the strength, the lovable albino brute accidentally tosses the Santa Maria about, causing Captain Kebab endless amounts of grief and leading to his iconic catchphrase, “Darn it, Moby!” A timeless tale of humor, misfortune and adventure, Moby Dick is sure to please readers of all ages.

-Crappy Bookseller

Sold.

@psychosvr asked for Herman Melville! 

5 Times Pie Would Have Saved the Day in Classic Literature

It is a truth universally acknowledged that pie is beautiful and delicious, and classic novels are full of characters gritting through their complicated, difficult lives. But what if these characters had a heartwarming slice of pie? Things could have been very different…

1. Captain Ahab. Was ever a man more in need of a slice of coconut cream pie? Like the giant whale Moby Dick, coconut cream pie is large and white, but far less likely to induce unholy fury and a life-shattering revenge spree. Plus, Ahab would have to sail to some beautiful tropic isle to obtain the requisite coconuts, and a balmy tropic vacation could only do good things for his chilly temper.

2. Scarlett O’Hara. This feisty Southern belle has demonstrated time and again that she won’t give her heart away easily. The only solution to her inevitable loneliness is a cherry pie as bold, classic, and all-American as Scarlett herself.

3. Dorian Gray. Rich, dreamy, and devilishly smooth. Are we describing Dorian Gray or a chocolate silk pie? You don’t know, and that’s why they’re the perfect match. Perhaps if Dorian had been able to channel the passions of his youth into eating chocolate pies, he wouldn’t have turned out as dark and bitter as a Ghiradelli 86% cacao bar. Just sayin’.

4. Miss Havisham. Jilted at the altar. Left alone with her misery in a rotting home. Surrounded for years by reminders of her thwarted romance. This woman needs some SUNSHINE in her life, for goodness’ sake! No pie is better suited to the task than a cheery lemon meringue. Its pillowy meringue, sunny yellow curd, and buttery crust are enough to make anyone clear out the cobwebs and start spring cleaning.

5. Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy. Look, man. We know you tried. But heading into a proposal with the general game plan of “Insult family, point out her inferiority, bring up class difference, overwhelm her with ardent love” was a pretty poor strategy, all things considered. Imagine how things might have gone over with Elizabeth B. if you had shown up, casually, with a steaming rhubarb pie. You could have told her her that the bold tartness of the rhubarb reminds you of her stinging wit, but that you believe she could also be subtly sweet. Things could have gone so much better for you, Darcy.

But, since you botched the first proposal attempt, maybe you should go practice swimming in the lake at Pemberley. Don’t ask us why.

Pie is important.

Happy Pi Day, y’all!

So I’ve been listening to an audiobook of Moby Dick in my downtime, and omg this book is weird. Like prepare yourself for it being super racist, but it’s also intensely gay??? The main character gets gay married to his Pacific Islander roomie like the night after he meets him???? Also I just got to the part with Captain Ahab and omg he is so Extra™ like he actually throws his pipe overboard because it doesn’t fit with his ~*~aesthetic~*~ Let me tell you Great American Literature is wild

UPDATE in this chapter the narrator can’t shut up about how hot his particular friend  boyfriend Queequeg is and describes in loving detail how they’re tied together by this rope while he holds Queequeg over the side of the boat (actually he says “wedded,” WEDDED, i ask you) and he’s never felt more intimate with another human being in his life

JUST WHALERS BEING BROS

FURTHER FUCKING UPDATE OH MY GOD

okay so item 1: this book recently went from “somewhat racist at brief intervals” to “let’s have a whole chapter of unremitting racism” so like. be aware of that if you ever plan on reading this? it was not fun times

ITEM TWO 

Y’ALL.

There is a whole chapter about Our Hero holding hands with his fellow whalers.

WHILE THEY MASSAGE WHALE SPERM.

I could not make this shit up. Here it is, in all its slimy glory, Chapter 94: A Squeeze of the Hand –  “Squeeze! squeeze! squeeze! all the morning long; I squeezed that sperm till I myself almost melted into it; I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity came over me; and I found myself unwittingly squeezing my co-laborers’ hands in it, mistaking their hands for the gentle globules. Such an abounding, affectionate, friendly, loving feeling did this avocation beget; that at last I was continually squeezing their hands, and looking up into their eyes sentimentally; as much as to say,- Oh! my dear fellow beings, why should we longer cherish any social acerbities, or know the slightest ill-humor or envy! Come; let us squeeze hands all round; nay, let us all squeeze ourselves into each other; let us squeeze ourselves universally into the very milk and sperm of kindness.” THIS IS THE GAYEST THING I’VE EVER READ. MELVILLE IS LEGITIMATELY JUST TAUNTING ME NOW. HE’S CREEPILY ROLLING HIS LITTLE WHALER HANDS IN WHALE SPERM AND DARING ME TO SAY SOMETHING WHILE I JUST STAND THERE WITH MY FUCKING JAW ON THE FLOOR. THIS BISEXUAL ADMITS DEFEAT. I HAVE BEEN OUTFLANKED BY HERMAN FUCKING MELVILLE AND HIS GAY-ASS WHALE SPERM

FINAL. FUCKING. UPDATE.

this is what i said to @manicpanic88 earlier today, so naïvely: i said, “Meville is straight up thirsty for whales.” I added, “This man truly wants to fuck a whale.” 

Let me be clear (and by the way SPOILERS up to antepenultimate chapter of the book follow this parenthetical): I am now on chapter one hundred thirty-something and we have only just now found the whale. Like. This book has been one hundred and thirty chapters of Real Nantucket Whale Thirst™ and almost no actual (Moby) Dick, do you get me? You out there who like pining fic, THIS BOOK IS THE ULTIMATE. Melville did it first, but GAYER, and WITH WHALES.

Anyway so this whole book everyone who has seen or even heard about Moby Dick is like “whoa my sweet fancy aunts, don’t go lookin’ for that there whippersnapper” (this is my attempt at imitating Melville’s weird imitation of a Nantucket accent, it’s not going well for me but it didn’t go well for him either), “whoa, THAT’S A BAD FISH, I heard he took someone’s head clean off / killed his twelve best mates / blew up a ship with the power of his LASER FLUKES!!” i mean no one actually says “laser flukes” but THIS IS THE LEVEL OF BADNESS WE ARE DEALING WITH. THIS IS NOT A NICE WHALE. YOU SHOULD NOT TAKE THIS WHALE HOME TO MEET YOUR PARENTS AT SPRING BREAK, HE WILL DRINK ALL YOUR BEER AND LEAVE THE HOUSE SOMEHOW FULL OF DOG POOP, WHILE IT IS ALSO ON FIRE.

and yet.

here is what Melville has to say about this bad motherfucker when we finally, finally see him for the very first time:

RAVISHED EUROPA. STRAIGHT FOR THE NUPTIAL BOWER. WE GET IT, HERMAN. WE GET IT. YOU WANNA FUCK A WHALE. YOU WROTE A WHOLE ENTIRE BOOK ABOUT WANTING TO FUCK THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WHITE WHALE IN THE WORLD, WHO PROBABLY ALSO HAS PURPLE EYES AND PUTS ITS FLUKES UP WHEN SOME PREPS STARE AT HIM. WE GET IT.

reader, i hope he married it.

Bless this post.