The Green Knight

(Reblog for a larger sample size. You know the drill.)

He gives grea

He giv

He gives great h

Great hea

put those awesome boobs away dude now isn't the time

This is why Saruman is the bad guy

today in mia's wretched pile of reference art

cheeks out in the field

you know how it is

just learned today that there was a german monk who was obsessed with witches and women having sex so he wrote an entire book called the hammer of witches where in one part he describes in detail that witches have the ability to make people’s penises disappear and they keep the penises as pets and feed them oats

i’m serious

What if I told you that in 13th century prose romance les prophecies de merlin a sorceress casts a magic beam out of her vagina what then

So like picture this : merlin has been entombed alive don’t be too sad abt it tho bc he is a huge cunt in this text — there is a prophecy that he will be killed by a white serpent and obviously he interprets this as a virgin woman so guess what his genius plan is: have sex with every woman who wants to learn magic from him. Anyway this woman tricks him by making him believe that they have had sex (she has been putting him under a sleeping spell) and then entombs him alive while he’s checking that this random tomb is the right size for him and his girlfriend (the one who wants to entomb him). And THEN this leaves a power vacuum in the British magic community and Morgan le fay is like ok great now I’m the best enchantress in Britain but also I’m kinda sad bc that was the man i used to casually have sex with. However this woman who has been sailing through time on a magical ship is like you’ll find I’m the best enchantress in Britain - morgan and her have a violent argument abt it which culminates in Morgan getting stuck on a roof without any clothes and also the second enchantress vagina beaming her. Then all the enchantresses of Britain have a meeting and realise that merlin has fooled them all bc he said that by agreeing to have sex with him they will be the most powerful magic users in Britain but they find out that the lady of the lake (I forgot to say: that is Merlin’s girlfriend who entombed him alive ) is a better magic user than all of them and she didn’t even have sex with merlin. And that is the end of the vagina beam story.

Strange Pirate Nicknames

Pirates could have strange names. But have you ever heard of Captain Half-Butt?

Captain Louis Le Golif (who is said to have been a Pirate or Buccaneer in the West Indies between 1660 and 1675) was not only known for the book he wrote about his wild life in his book Memoirs of a Buccaneer (whether it is real or a fake is not clear). But also through the companionship and here clearly described as a love affair with Pulverine another male pirate. Both went to sea and lived their lives until Louis married a woman. This led first to a rift between them, later to a threesome and finally to murder.

He is considered to be one of two who can be proven to have had a matelotage, the marriage-like relationship of same-sex partners among pirates.

But now to his nickname. He is said to have received it when he tried to raid a Spanish settlement and had his left buttock shot off by a cannonball. Since he had many prostitutes in addition to his lover and they saw his somewhat embarrassing injury, they called him Borgne Fesse - Half Butt. Much to the amusement of all who knew him.

After killing his wife on their wedding night, he is said to have set off with his lover and captured a Spanish treasure ship with other Pirates before settling in Brittany as a rich man and allegedly becoming an author. But he did so under his real name, as he probably would not have been successful as Captain Half- Butt.

Me: okay let's not get ahead of ourselves, presumably he would drink like half a butt of alcohol a night or whatever....

oh. well then.

it's me and my two sources on medieval strap-ons against the world

Right, so.

Source One is Burchard of Worms' Decretum, Book XIX. The Decretum was a collection of canon laws compiled in the early half of the 11th Century. Book XIX, or The Corrector, was a penitential: basically a guidebook for confessors. Here's a sin, have u done it, here's your penance.

One of the questions for women was, essentially, "Did you make a dildo, strap it to yourself and fuck someone with it?". The original text is in Latin, and there's a few translations floating around of what it said. Here's one, which I spent the past three days looking for, because I wanted a direct source:

Pretty cut and dry re: the use of strap-ons. And dildos, because the next question is "and did you use this device on yourself?"

The second source is from the trial of Katherina Hetzeldorfer, specifically Female Sodomy: The Trial of Katherina Hetzeldorfer (1477) by Helmut Puff, which has an analysis of the trial as well as a translation of the trial texts.

Katherina is the first recorded woman to be executed for homosexuality. There's a lot to be said about her and the way she performed gender but what I'm interested in today is the strap. So, from the court text itself:

And there we go! Two sources about people in medieval times using strap-ons, one from around 1020 and one from 1477.

Helmut Puff

It's fascinating to me how premodern ideas about FF sex are so focused on dildos. I've read about a trial ca. 1600 (probably England?) where a woman was accused of sodomy, but ultimately was let go because they couldn't prove that they had inserted anything... And apparently fingering each other was not illegal.

It does make me wonder if that means any wlw in that era were really that focused on penetration, or if it was a failure of the male lawmaker's imagination, or whether everyone was actually basically cool with lesbianism.

i see typo in the group chat is a time honoured tradition

hey can we uhhhhhhhhh get rid of boob armor?

and i mean in every fictional setting like fantasy, scifi, etc but here are two prime examples:

these are both………… pretty weird. i get that wonder woman’s outfit has been the same since 1941 but she still serves as a good example, and idek what’s going on with valkyrie. a lot of people praise this for being “feminine but functional” but this still means there’s some armor smith out there carefully molding breastplates to fit each individual boob (as per that one tumblr post going around that i don’t have the link to).

here’s an example of real life armor on women:

there you go. some real women wearing real armor made for real combat situations. now listen, i’ve worn this and yeah—– this shit’s functional. and no, it doesn’t squish your boobs in, no matter what you’re doing. it actually fits quite snugly despite how it looks. see how no effort was made to have individual boobs poke through? that’s because that shit ain’t necessary. in fact the breast molding would be pretty terrible for your rib cage but i’m sure you’ve all seen that post.

at least star wars got this one right:

official boob post

I regret to inform you that we have the answer to that, courtesy of Henry VIII:

hey can we uhhhhhhhhh get rid of boob armor?

and i mean in every fictional setting like fantasy, scifi, etc but here are two prime examples:

these are both………… pretty weird. i get that wonder woman’s outfit has been the same since 1941 but she still serves as a good example, and idek what’s going on with valkyrie. a lot of people praise this for being “feminine but functional” but this still means there’s some armor smith out there carefully molding breastplates to fit each individual boob (as per that one tumblr post going around that i don’t have the link to).

here’s an example of real life armor on women:

there you go. some real women wearing real armor made for real combat situations. now listen, i’ve worn this and yeah—– this shit’s functional. and no, it doesn’t squish your boobs in, no matter what you’re doing. it actually fits quite snugly despite how it looks. see how no effort was made to have individual boobs poke through? that’s because that shit ain’t necessary. in fact the breast molding would be pretty terrible for your rib cage but i’m sure you’ve all seen that post.

at least star wars got this one right:

official boob post

For the purposes of this poll, assume it is being asked before the Fellowship leaves Rivendell, and thus does not include any experiences on the road or after the defeat of Sauron.

Bill the Pony not included on assumption he would "sweep."

Bare Essentials – near Knightsbridge, 1969 by Frank Habicht

Thinkin about that one whaler who complained about his shipmates in his journal being like ‘no one on this ship reads educational books, no one reads the bible, everyone only wants pencils so they can draw ships and obscene pictures’ and I’m just like…..where are they….where are the dirty drawings this fellow was complaining about…I wanna see some 19th century whaler’s amateur pornographic scribbles so bad WHERE ARE THEY?

Idk why this particular one has gotten so many notes, but here’s the fellow’s actual words. His name was Jon Langdon, and he signed aboard the bark St. Peter in 1849 at age 21.

Another fellow from another voyage aboard the whaler Saratoga, William Chappell, also complains about his shipmates’ taste in literature. 1853.

What trashy novels are you reading lads I wanna know.

did you say you wanted to see the victorian whalers' porn? ok

(the porn from the first letter has not survived because "slate and pencil" means "[small portable] chalkboard and chalk.")

(the porn in the extant examples has survived because it's scrimshaw which means someone went to the trouble of etching porn into a whale's tooth and then meticulously inking it)

Need everyone to know that at one point in the livre d’artus gawain sleeps with thr sister of long time enemy guingambresil and while they’re in bed together guingambresil’s sister is literally like ‘why are you pounding my tits like that who enjoys that ?’ QUEEN!!!!!!

so he went to the beautiful maiden's bed and put his hand on her chest and felt that her breasts were small and firm like apples. The maiden sighed and took his hand 'Sir, that hurts, I do not enjoy it'. And so he lowered himself onto her and kissed her and held her

We got Explicitly Ask For Consent from King Arthur, and now we've got Communication Is Key with Gawain. This is a very sex-positive book!

[ And the king rose and went to piss and saw that the damsel was still asleep and when he returned, he was suddenly gripped by a great desire, and he began to toss and turn as he lay by the damsel and could not go back to sleep. And he was tossing and turning so much that the damsel awoke and saw that he was complaining and said ‘Sir, what is wrong?’ And he replied that he was extremely uncomfortable and that this grieved him. And she asked him what he had and he replied that he would tell her if she might agree to help him. And she said that there was no cure she wouldn’t bring him if it meant he would feel better. ‘Damsel’ he said ‘I cannot hide it so know that if I do not lie with a woman I will die’ ‘By God,’ said the damsel ‘is this because I lie so close to you?’ ‘Damsel’ he replied ‘I do not know what it could be but I awoke because of the distress I was feeling.  I am not telling you this to deceive you as there is no woman in the world that I would force if they did not reciprocate my desires. By God, if you are no longer a virgin, I ask if I may lie with you’ ‘Sir,’ she said ‘it seems to me that you are a gentleman and it would be a great shame if you were so uncomfortable when I could so easily cure you. I am a damsel, and I am as I am, you may do with me as you please’ and the king thanked her and took her into his arms and held her and kissed her tenderly and so did she as she desired him as much if not more. And so the king lay with her twice with great passion] Livre D’Artus, p.219

‘if I do not lie with a woman I will die’ - king arthur

I'm glad they specified that he got up to piss, I feel like that was vital to the story

sapientia as a queen suckling two old men

miniature in a series of 'exempla' in the 'wellcome apocalypse' , germany, c. 1420

source: London, Wellcome Library, MS.49, fol. 58v

so what do you think about the legend of saint george slaying the dragon (with the intention of finding out whether you want to be the dragon or the saint later)

let me know who's bringing the sword