Emono

There are two types of people Can you or can’t you touch your nose with your tongue?

wear rings on all your fingers. go to a pricey fancy restaurant and order the most expensive glass of whatever they have, clank all 5 fingers on it every time you pick it up. maybe even dual wield drinks, 10 clings. let them know you’re there.

Magnus Bane ghost wrote this

it’s just one of those croissant days

we love a recovery

Brain: “Do it again, take it from the top.”

Tracking Service, as helpfully as possible: Your order is out for delivery! It should arrive by 8 PM today!

Me, sitting by the door at 8:12 AM: pakige

the ‘big three’ of coping mechanisms are jerking off, fucking up your hair, and playing your favorite music real loud

and the hidden fourth coping mechanism: spending obscene amounts of money and drowning yourself in material items

God I was at that restaurant in Annapolis yesterday that serves those 4 lbs milkshakes and these two dudes were just finishing one together and people were asking them for tips and they were like “you have to get like mint chocolate chip or something because if there’s no texture it gets too boring to finish” and all I could keep thinking was that it can only be a matter of time before some god wipes this town off the map and we will have earned it with our disgusting hubris

Everyone who has ever finished one of these will have it weighed against a feather when they die

Doable? Maybe

Listen. After the Burger Incident of 2016 I’ve learned to accept my fragile mortality and live within the boundaries set for humanity by the Universe.

I’m a little nervous but my curiosity is overwhelming~ what, pray tell, is the Burger incident of 2016?

In 2016 the day Pokémon Go came out I worked up a big appetite with my friends and we went to Steak ‘n Shake and I decided that none of the burgers looked big enough which…..I don’t know if I thought the photos on the menu were actual size I don’t know what was going on but

I asked the server for the biggest one they had and she said “that’s the 7x7, it’s not on the menu…you don’t want that”

And immediately my friends knew I was fucked because I felt challenged which I blame on my middle child syndrome and also on that I am by birth just an idiot so I ordered it without knowing competitive food bloggers write entire articles about this thing.

I sort of knew I was in trouble when the cook came to see who’d ordered it but I wasn’t backing down and in the end I ate all 1300 calories and THEN the fries and ALSO my shake and I had to go to my friend’s and take a three hour nap and when I woke up I was so fucked up that I just started eating leaves straight off her mint plant because antacids weren’t going to cut it.

Then I complained for like two days and Ultimately I learned absolutely nothing.

In case anyone wanted a visual for the 7x7

Hubris

When you can’t decided between pride and gluttony so commit both sins at the same time.

This is the only comment allowed now

I don’t like the term “self care” bc its so removed from my personal experiences. When I buy soap or take luxurious baths or buy a new sweater or indulge in literally anything the only thing im doing is pretending to be the rich old lady from aristocats

Happy Joe Toye Day!

Only the deepest love will persuade me into matrimony, which is why I will end up an old maid. Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Bennet in Pride & Prejudice (2005)

the curse of the Toy Story generation

someone understands

Eggsy!Kitty got into a fight. Ouch!

never forget Sarah Paulson quitting her job after 20 minutes because she couldn’t spell parmesan

sarah paulson is the definition of a useless gay and i’m living for it and can relate