The 2 Cent Cello at the Awkward Vaudeville

shoutout to the local radio dj reporting on the tornado warning and going "I will keep you entertained while you shelter in place" and then playing some really fucking creepy noise and ambient music

caught my lil panther mid yawn

They're about to be comedically crushed by a piano only to open the lid and have ivory keys for teeth that will melodically fall out.

My favorite thing to do before executing a risky maneuver is to loudly proclaim to anyone nearby that "I'm young, I'm fantastic, and I'm never gonna die". This is firstly to pump myself up, secondly because if I succeed I'll be proven right in front of an audience, and thirdly because it is the funniest possible thing to say immediately before being horrifically mangled in a completely dumbfuck sort of way

Sambar Deer (Rusa unicolor) and Rufous Treepie (Dendrocitta Vagabunda) - Sariska National Park, India 

Photographed by Naveen Kumar Singh‎

Nyoooooooom!

Just the wind from this Subaru driving past would kill me.

That’s 10% luck, 20% skill, 15% concentrated pickle of dill

After shoving Hansel in the oven, the witch turns to Gretel - who is currently fending the witch off with a gingerbread chair - and says:

“I can’t believe you thought a trail of breadcrumbs would save you. I mean, honestly, this is a forest! It’s full of animals. Honestly, the very idea that a dumb shit like you thought you could get the better of me is absurd.”

Gretel hits her in the face with said chair. To be fair to the witch, she takes the chairshot like a champ.

“Ow!”

“Did you know,” says Gretel, “that crows are capable of facial recognition?”

“Eh?” Says the witch, clambering to her feet and pulling a candy cane sledgehammer off the wall. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

“Not only that,” Gretel continues, “but they can remember both friends and enemies. And they’ll often follow people they remember as friends.”

The two fence with their sugared weapons for a moment, before the witch knocks the chair out of Gretel’s hands.

“Enough with the bird facts! Honestly, this whole attempted escape has been utter clownshoes. Get in the fucking oven!”

She seizes Gretel by the collar. Gretel immediately sandbags, letting her whole body go limp. This eminently practical defense forces the witch to try and deadlift her. Which is hard, as the witch often skips leg day.

“For example,” Gretel says, as the witch struggles and grunts, “if you feed crows a lot of breadcrumbs, they’ll probably start to see you as a friend and follow you in the hope of more food.”

The witch stops. Outside, she hears the thunder of wings.

“They’ll even bring you shiny things they find as presents!” Says Gretel, as a corner of the gingerbread ceiling is suddenly cut away by a large crow with a knife in its mouth.

“Oh shitballs.” Says the witch, as the crows descend. “I hope you know this is a great unkindness.”

“Technically,” Says Gretel, “It’s a murder.”

Spider Baby (1967) dir. Jack Hill

Oh. Cause like I immediately started singing "Spider Baby" to the tune of "Santa Baby".

had to clip this because jesus CHRIST

Its me, your feral godmother

*waves a wand and grants you the teeth and claws to fuck your evil step family up*

Good luck kid you're in a reverse beauty and beast situation. Do not let that princely motherfucker fall in love with your inner humanity or the spell will fail and you'll turn human again

Good news if you bite his ass you can start a pack together. Go forth. Enjoy the ball

You can bite a princess too if you want. Or a milkmaid, or a butler or whatever. Go nuts. The more the merrier

#misread as feral hogmother

That's my girlfriend, she's rooting for you too

#investing at 70 notes

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said about a post of mine that wasn't an addition to a post of someone else's XD

#posts that will become Tumblr heritage

I wish. I don't think it's even gonna crack 500 notes

They just don’t assassinate politicians like they used to anymore

I need everyone to know that 2 months after I made this post, Shinzo Abe was killed with the Splatoon weapon.

If we bring this back, maybe we can make the funniest possible outcome right before the US election.

??? what was going on in pennsylvania in 1796. why was a guy called Master Pancake running around grabbing wild bats

Sneaking suspicion that Master Pancake was a cat

huge me

Huge Me

1968 Sears Carpet Advertisement From the October, 1968 issue of Better Homes And Gardens Magazine

(via: archive.org)

838 carpet colors and every home I've been in from that era chose BROWN