Thranduil: That’s where orc and elf babies come from.

Legolas: Dad, all that tells me is what to expect at the end of nine months.

Thranduil: That is what I would expect at the end of nine months if you were married. Orc or elf; at this point, I’m not picky.

“Changes in the Script”

Legolas: There was more the orc could tell us.

Thranduil: Perhaps, but it wasn’t about me so I stopped listening.

Thranduil: How is my favorite son tonight?

Legolas: Dad, I’m your only son.

Thranduil: Okay, let’s go with that.

Legolas: What was my grandfather like?

Thranduil: Oropher was a great king and an exceptional warrior. He gave to this kingdom all that you see around you.

Legolas: Wow. All this?

Thranduil: Yes, son. Glorious, is it not?

Legolas: Yes, it is.

Thranduil: No king ever did so much for his people.

Legolas: You’re talking about yourself, aren’t you?

Thranduil: You have been paying attention. I’m so proud of you.

Legolas: Are we done here?

Thranduil: Am I the King?

Legolas: Yes.

Thranduil: Am I beautiful?

Legolas: Yes.

Thranduil: Well, then. I think we’re done here.

Thranduil: This is what happens when you talk too much.

Legolas: But I did not say anything.

Thranduil: Are you sure?

Legolas: Yes. What would I say and to whom?

Thranduil: I heard you speaking to one of the guards the other day about how you could not wait to leave Mirkwood to go on a Fellowship.

Legolas: How is that possible?

Thranduil: We live in a cave. It echoes in here. It is rather awkward in romantic situations–not that you would know anything about that.

Legolas: Yes, I would.

Thranduil: Legolas, go to your room.

Legolas: How interesting the day of my birth is on the same day we celebrate your coronation every year.

Thranduil: Yes it is.

Legolas: Why is that?

Thranduil: That was the day I found you under a tree and decided to keep you.

Legolas: Is that true?

Thranduil: It is now.

Thranduil: You are my son and I love you very much.

Legolas: I don’t want to know.

Thranduil: Know what?

Legolas: What you did this time? You always do something.

Thranduil: Legolas, of course I always do something. I’m the king of this realm. I do a lot of things. It’s my job.

Legolas: Dad, all you do is walk around the palace all day, talk down to people and change clothes every fifteen minutes.

Thranduil: Walking is exercise, everyone is shorter than me and I’m way too beautiful for just one color scheme, son. I am obligated as the King of Mirkwood to dress better than everyone else in the world.

Thranduil: Make it quick, Legolas. I have another wardrobe change in five minutes.

Legolas: Why so many?

Thranduil: Have you seen me? I know it’s dark in here, but really, you should know how spectacular I am by now.

Legolas: Dad?

Thranduil: Yes, son?

Legolas: Are you feeling okay?

Thranduil: How do you mean?

Legolas: You’re being nice.

Thranduil: I’m always nice.

Legolas: Since when?

Thranduil: Legolas, I am the King of Mirkwood. I am always nice. I dress nice. I look nice. My hair is nice. I have a nice throne. I have nice servants. This is a nice cave. It has nice lighting. I have a nice son–when he’s not annoying me. How more nice can I be?

Legolas: You threw a company of dwarves in a dungeon over a dinner party.

Thranduil: I did it nicely.

Gandalf: I just realized I have to deal with two generations of Mirkwood elves.

Thranduil: And that son, is how karma works.

Oh, nothing…just watching Thranduil walk away..Such a beautiful sight, isn’t it?

Thranduil: That is how you leave a room, son.

Legolas: How do you enter one?

Thranduil: I don’t know. I’m usually already there when everyone arrives to gaze upon my brilliance. I should try that at least once. I’ll put it on my bucket list of things to do before the end of time.

Brutal Beauty.

Thranduil: You see what I did there? Sheer perfection.

Legolas: What was perfect? The kill?

Thranduil: Is that all you saw? Open your eyes, Legolas. I never once messed up my hair.

Legolas: You wrinkled your robe.

Thranduil: You just can’t help but see the negative in anything, can you? It isn’t wrinkled. It fell into a cascade of red velvet folds against the now bloodied floor of my majestic throne room beneath the vaulted ceilings of my cavernous halls.

Legolas: Dad, you are weird.

Thranduil: No, son. I’m adorably eccentric. Somewhat brooding. Seductively enchanting. I’ve been described as brutal. Devastatingly gorgeous. Sensuous. The most perfect specimen of elven beauty in all of Middle Earth.

Legolas: Dad, stop it.

Thranduil: What? You can’t handle the truth?

Legolas: Dad, was I a cute kid?

Thranduil: Yes, of course you were. That’s a strange question.

Legolas: Why is it strange?

Thranduil: Because apparently you have mistaken your father for someone less than exquisite. What did you think you would look like?

Legolas: I don’t know. Some kids go through an awkward stage.

Thranduil: You did. It was called birth.

Legolas: Did you go through an awkward stage?

Thranduil: Ha ha, No. I was born this way. I started at adorable and moved right into the most beautiful creature that ever lived.

Thranduil: I adore my son. You make me so proud.

Legolas: What do you want?

Thranduil: Nothing. Can’t I just say I adore my son without wanting anything?

Legolas: No.

Thranduil: You are too cynical.

Legolas: Dad?

Thranduil: What?

Legolas: What did you do?

Thranduil: I rent out your room during the Fellowship.

[Kíli being adorably cute.]

[Tauriel thinking Kíli is adorably cute.]

[Legolas is sad that Tauriel thinks Kíli is adorably cute.]

Legolas: Ada, how do you get a girl to like you?

Thranduil: I am Thranduil.

Legolas: That’s it?

Thranduil: What else is there?

This and That, Here and There

**Now we’d like to introduce, a nursery rhyme not Mother Goose**

Thranduil: I had a pleasant day.

Legolas: What did you do?

Thranduil: Oh, this and that, here and there.

Legolas: You did this and that here and there?

Thranduil: Yes, Legolas...

I did this and that here and there. I can do this and that here and there all the time anywhere. 

I can do it from my throne, I can do it because I’m grown. 

I like to do this and that here and there and if you don’t like it, I don’t care.

Legolas: Did you do it with a mouse on a chair?

Thranduil: No, Legolas...

I did not do this and that here and there with a mouse on a chair. 

I did not do this and that here and there with a mouse on a chair but, I could do this and that here and there with whom I want to anywhere.

Legolas: Did you do it on a train?

Thranduil: Legolas...

I did not do it on a train and I will smack you if you ask again. Any questions?