Bard: That is the most dangerous thing in our world, son. Never cross it if at all possible and never look it in the eye.
Thranduil: Unless you have something for me. Then it is fine.
Thranduil: I’ve been making this look good since the Second Age.
Bard: Thranduil, we have a battle to fight.
Thranduil: Don’t worry, Bard. I will look stunning out there, too.
Thranduil: You are my son and I love you very much.
Legolas: I don’t want to know.
Thranduil: Know what?
Legolas: What you did this time? You always do something.
Thranduil: Legolas, of course I always do something. I’m the king of this realm. I do a lot of things. It’s my job.
Legolas: Dad, all you do is walk around the palace all day, talk down to people and change clothes every fifteen minutes.
Thranduil: Walking is exercise, everyone is shorter than me and I’m way too beautiful for just one color scheme, son. I am obligated as the King of Mirkwood to dress better than everyone else in the world.
Thranduil: Make it quick, Legolas. I have another wardrobe change in five minutes.
Legolas: Why so many?
Thranduil: Have you seen me? I know it’s dark in here, but really, you should know how spectacular I am by now.
Thranduil: Did you want something, Tauriel? Make it quick. I have been magnanimous all day and I would like to rest before I do it again.
Tauriel: Uh, well, it is about Legolas…
Thranduil: I would never allow such a pairing. Neither of you have any sense of style and you both seem to have a thing for dwarves.
Gandalf: Do you always have to be such a pain, Thranduil? Try to be a little nicer, if you will. Please, for the sake of this battle.
Thranduil: Fine, Mithrandir. If you wish.
Bard: That was too easy.
Thranduil: Do you always have to dress like you’ve been wandering through the wild with a company of dwarves and a hobbit, Mithrandir? Try to be a little more fashionable, if you will. Please, for the sake of my eyesight.
Bard: Told you.
Celeborn: I want to know why you never invite me over to visit Rivendell, Elrond?
Elrond: You are my father-in-law. You know you are always welcome.
Celeborn: Gandalf visits quite often, I understand. He always seems to come to Rivendell. Never to Lothlórien or Mirkwood.
Elrond: I do not know why he will not visit Lothlórien, Celeborn, but we all know of Mirkwood. Such darkness lurks within.
Celeborn: Yes, I know. Thranduil can be rather frightening.
Elrond: I was referring to the curse Sauron put upon his kingdom.
Celeborn: So was I.
Thranduil: Yes, I am so horribly cursed with good looks, perfect hair, fabulous clothes, awesome weapons, fierce elven guards defying the laws of physics and an army of elves in golden armor. I have to settle for riding a majestic elk. How can I go on with the curse of being the Elven King of the Woodland Realm? I mean, my son is a Prince! My poor Legolas has to live with the shame of being the son of a king. Why could he not have had an all-powerful tree lord for a father? We are cursed to live within a cavernous mountain palace with endless and elaborately carved halls named after me? You are so lucky. Living in a tree with a walking lightbulb that never seems to get electrocuted playing in a bird bath. I cannot tell you how many nights I wish I could cry myself to sleep wishing I had your life. Not your obvious lack of fashion sense. Just your life.
Thranduil: Look, I have to be beautiful and worshipped somewhere else tonight. Can this battle of the five armies thing wait until I return or until I care?
Thranduil: I don’t always ignore you…
…but when I do…
…I do it fabulously.
Thranduil: I know that look. Now what is the matter?
Legolas: It is so quiet around here. Where do all the other elves go at night?
Thranduil: Away.
Thranduil: Ask me nicely.
Gandalf: Dare I ask what I am asking for?
Bard: Please don’t. I don’t want to hear this.
Bard: [I give up] Thranduil, will you please do something other than whatever it is you are doing now?
Thranduil: Very well. I need to do one thing first, if I may.
Gandalf: What?
Thranduil: Pimpin’. It’s not easy.
Thranduil: I know that look, son. What is the matter? Legolas: I was wondering, how many elves live in Mirkwood? Thranduil: All of them. Legolas: How many elves work in Mirkwood? Thranduil: Half of them.
Bard: I was under the impression that you cared.
Thranduil: I was under the impression that you knew better.
Thranduil: You will find your accommodations in my dungeons to your liking, Thorin. They are clean and the cell doors are intricately carved and inescapable.
Thorin: Well, your hospitality is far better than your personality as usual.
Thranduil: You want personality, go to a Holiday Inn.
Gandalf: Well, you seem to have done it again, Thranduil. Cleared a room without breaking a sweat.
Thranduil: I am a King. I do not sweat.
Gandalf: Has it ever occurred to you that being nice does more than being nasty?
Thranduil: No.
Gandalf: Well, it should. At some point in your eternity.
Thranduil: Why?
Gandalf: Are you serious?
Thranduil: No. I am Thranduil.
Bard: I am in total awe at your complete and total inability to notice that anyone else actually lives in this world other than you.
Thranduil: I am in total awe at everyone’s complete and total inability to notice that I don’t care.