We, the constellations

What if the stars didn't know how beautifully they shine

That we delight in the way they bespeckle the night's sky

And instead

They just fretted and despaired about how much gas they had already burned

Bloom—is Result—to meet a Flower And casually glance Would scarcely cause one to suspect The minor Circumstance Assisting in the Bright Affair So intricately done Then offered as a Butterfly To the Meridian— To pack the Bud—oppose the Worm— Obtain its right of Dew— Adjust the Heat—elude the Wind— Escape the prowling Bee Great Nature not to disappoint Awaiting Her that Day— To be a Flower, is profound Responsibility—

- Emily Dickinson

Writing some reflections by the light of the trashcan fire that is our world:

So I was talking with my therapist about how scary the world is and how angry I am as I feel helpless to stop the powers trying to turn my country into Gilead

The world is a trashcan fire

It’s always been a trashcan fire

Later in the session the Rodney King assault and the OJ Simpson trial came up and my therapist was saying how it was such a scary time, watching as no one was held accountable 

‘Such a scary time’

I took strange comfort in that statement

Because it shows life goes on

I feel guilty for saying so because I’m not one of the oppressed

I live in a sanctuary state

For many life ends

But love and joy will still live on

We briefly talked about Derry Girls

How it showed how the best and worst moments of your life can coincide

How we’re all living through something

We’re dancing at the talent show while people in our town search wreckage for survivors of a bombing

We’re dancing

Dance will live on

Persian father dancing at his daughters grave, having promised to dance at her wedding

And

My patient eagerly following me in the Y.M.C.A this morning

My patient in a mental hospital

‘It must be so sad’ and ‘It must be so hard to work in a mental hospital’

Sometimes it is, most of the time it’s not

Sometimes it give me this bit of beauty

This bit of comfort, of hope

I forgot to do it today, but most times I give him his medication I remind him how far he’s come in managing his diabetes

From insulin injections multiple times a day to just glucophage 

My coworker walked in with a smile on her face and a bounce in her step, easier day and holiday pay, and the the Lizzo x AristoCats video I showed her

SCOTUS terrifies as they rule more discrimination and oppression legal

They rule businesses can discriminate against queer people

And we keep on breathing through memes about not serving straights

We keep on breathing 

We’re still here - a lyric in a song I heard about an earthquake - a video I saw at the end of a terrible time living with my biological father - a time I got through

We keep on breathing

We have always been here

“That’s just the way of the world, it never ends till it ends then you start again” (depressing)

“That’s just the way of the world, it never ends till it ends then you start again” 

(Queers living on and fighting)

Mirrors from darkness

‘My favorite time is at night

When all the windows turn into mirrors’

They told me it was too short

A promising start 

Was that prophetic?

For the poem has grown

I now love the night, always buzzed with ideas and desire

I flap my wings and hover in the blue light of my computer

Mirrors

Like most things, multi-meaning

I love to dance and see what I create on the canvas of both time and space

I also hate 

I hate seeing my failures reflected back at me, engraved on my skin, building up inside of me

Funhouse window pains

Image distorted by the glass or the mind

We can’t see outside instead I am the only adventure at this quiet hour

Practice Positive Self-Talk

The Worst/The Family Fuckup

I need a song for when I feel like this

When I trip and the burden I carry slams against me

I’m bad

Violent and immature

And this must remain secret

Fear and disgust would follow if it was found out

Shame thrives in what lives in secrecy 

I’m my little sister’s trauma, I’ve never been mature or wise enough to be an older sister

I lose my patience with her rudeness, and point out her flaws

I flare up at someone else, she probably has to tread around me, fearing me

I’m everyone else in my family’s trauma, too

It sounds silly to say now; earlier I thought, “It sucks not having any real ammunition for insults, because you know you are the worst.”

I continue to torture my family, as my older sister pointed out

Living at home, I can only hide away in my room so much

I think I just need to stop being around my family - no time to worry about if my poison will spread to future relationships, right now - no one would really miss me

I bring nothing good to them

I am loved, but not liked