PSA on deescalation
- Listen to the person! Yes, when people are angry they don't always communicate clearly and sometimes say things that they don't mean. But they are still intelligent human beings capable of knowing how they feel.
- Leave the situation! If it's safe, leave the situation! It takes two to tango and it's harder to fight when you don't have an enemy anymore. If the person is telling you to leave you probably should.
- Also you should almost never trap or prevent the other person from leaving! Letting someone who is upset leave allows them to get some space alone, get space from the conflict, feel safer, and get some adrenaline out by moving. You may feel it's not safe to leave the person or let the person leave. But try to balance those concerns with the fact that it's not fair to hold them hostage in a situation they don't feel safe in, at that point you're antagonizing them. Also you should respect that person's autonomy and judgement, they know themselves better than you do and often they want to avoid the conflict escalating as well.
- Validate the other persons emotions! This helps show concern and make someone feel heard, which helps stem the conflict and stress. You don't have to apologize or deny what they did is wrong but express understanding and compassion for the distress they are feeling.
- Express concern not judgement! If you think they "need help" ask if they "are okay?" ask if they need help. But don't tell them to "calm down."
- Communicate your concerns! If you're concerned that safety of the the other person or other people if you leave the situation let them know. You might be able to work out a deal so that they walk a certain way so that you can see them get away safe. You can give them resources. This also communicates concern.
This all comes from what I've learned studying psychology and education. As well as from working in schools and mental hospitals. I don't have time right now to include references but if you curious about things mentioned I encourage you to look up deescalation techniques as well as the individual techniques I've mentioned.