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drunk on the letters i never sent

@drunkenacademia

18 🍄 soul of a poet 💌 let's break all the rules together 🪐 stuck in 2016 and the winter that passed
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"My father raised me to act with honor, but that honor is hanging by a thread that grows more precarious with every moment I spend in your presence. You are the bane of my existence. And the object of all my desires."

Bridgerton, Anthony to Kate.

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It's all fun and games until you look in the mirror at the hair salon and try to hold back your sobs as the smiling (assailant, attacker, guilty at hand) barber asks you how your new hair looks and you're just like "oh i looove it." all the while staring daggers at them and sniffing back tears.

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the carvings in my door

ask me why i cried like a lost child today

the murals in my dining room

stare at me as i walk by

they ask me where i'm going

i bite back a snarky reply

"it's not like i have a home to return to. neither do i have an end. oh how i wish to disappear, into the green and the blue, the stare of a lover and the one without a clue, the lake or the nightlamp, the woman in black or the man in a suit, oh how i wish to embrace, the strokes so brilliant and cruel."
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you don't understand. you will never understand. how it feels like to hate my own self. it's like the dark between my ribs, my heart and bones. it's the blood, so red, flowing beneath my shattered and broken throne. it's me, myself, and noone else, it's lonely and scary, you don't know me as i spit out my own poison at three am, coughing and gagging, miserable and tired. tired of this three layered body i call home.

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