okay it might very possibly because i’m so tired but this article in the toronto star about a newly discovered microbial predator has me in stitches. i keep reading quotes out to harry and then laughing so hard i start crying. please read along with me.
it starts with this headline:
UBC scientists discover entirely new branch on the tree of life — and they are likely to ‘nibble’
great start. going in really strong here. it’s a new branch on the tree of life and they are likely to, quote, Nibble. questions for the toronto star: who is they? is it the scientists? why are they nibbling on a branch of the tree of life? because you have implied, grammatically, that it is the scientists who will be doing the, quote, Nibbling, here.
ok. ok ok. we’ve clicked. we’re finding out who is Nibbling. here is the lede:
Scientists recently discovered a new “supergroup” of rare, microbial predators called Provora that are genetically distinct from any other living being on earth.
now we’re talking! that is actually pretty cool. still not sure who is likely to ‘nibble’ or why we are talking about that in the headline and not the fact that they were genetically distinct from every other living being on earth which is objectively both much cooler and much less confusing.
Their findings, published Wednesday in the journal Nature, placed the microbes in a new supergroup of organisms they named “Provora.” You can think of them as the “lions of the microbial world,” said Patrick Keeling, a senior author of the study and a professor researching evolutionary microbiology at UBC.
ok fun comparison! evocative, though i’m not sure of what. how are they like lions?
“They’re numerically very rare. For every lion, there’s thousands of animals that aren’t lions,” Keeling told the Star. This was why we never detected them until now, despite their presence everywhere, he said — there were too few of them to stand out.*
oh they’re like lions because…they’re rare? ? ? for every lion… there’s thousands of animals… that Aren’t Lions. ok so true patrick keeling, i’m with you. for every lion there’s thousands of animals that aren’t lions, so, like lions, scientists didn’t discover these new guys until just now. because they’re rare like lions!
Despite their scarcity, Provora, like lions, could play a vital role in the food chain, Keeling said: “If you disappeared all the lions, not only would we all be very sad, but the whole ecosystem would change.”
IF YOU DISAPPEARED ALL THE LIONS
NOT ONLY WOULD WE ALL BE VERY SAD
BUT THE WHOLE ECOSYSTEM WOULD CHANGE
you know what? guys? this is so true. my man patrick has made a point here. if you disappeared all the lions we WOULD all be very sad, and the food chain would undoubtedly take a hit! just like these new guys, which are just like lions.
Each organism falls under two categories, the paper reads: there are the “nibblerids,” which like to “nibble” their prey to death with special tooth-like appendages;
ohhhhh nibblerids! seven paragraphs in and now i understand, they like to ‘nibble’! this still doesn’t explain why the scientists are quote Nibbling on these new guys who are just like lions but microbial though.
and there are the “nebulids,” which prefer to swallow their prey whole.
me: harry? do lions swallow their prey whole?
me: ok. i am still failing to understand how these guys are like lions.
Related creatures on the tree of life have similar genetics — for example, the human “18S rRNA” gene is only six nucleotides away from its guinea pig equivalent, Keeling said. When he tested the same gene in the microbes, however, he found a staggering difference of up to 180 nucleotides.
“You look at their DNA sequence and you go like, holy crap. These things are not closely related to anything we’ve ever seen before,” Keeling said.
ok this is neat! this is the cool shit. Cool New DNA. just like how lions are also radically different from other felines, a bit like aliens if they were cats. (sorry. sorry for beating this dead horse. or nibbling it as the case may be.)
“The foundations of our entire system is microbial,” Keeling said. “If the microbial world were to change catastrophically in its biodiversity? Well, we would all die, and so would everything else we’re familiar with.”*
patrick! so true my man. once again it would be really bad if we changed the entire ecosystem, even if it didnt end up in all of us being sad because the lions died.
“The biodiversity of microbes and the ecology of microbial ecosystems is something that we should care about a lot more,” Keeling said. “If humans are going to screw up and go extinct, it’s probably going to be because of (them).”*
LAST PARAGRAPH. PREDICTIONS FOR THE APOCALYPSE. GOING OUT WITH A BANG, JUST LIKE HUMANS WHEN WE FUCK UP MICROBES AND GO EXTINCT, AND WITHOUT EVEN ONCE ELUCIDATING HOW THESE GUYS ARE LIKE LIONS. there is some knowledge humans just weren’t meant to have i guess.
