ok I'll reblog that

I've seen a few of this guy's videos and they're all so funny. This is probably my favorite one though.

check out this periodic table

I have made a lot of bad jokes but this is still probably my greatest hit

10 unwritten rules of Tumblr:

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i would buy officially licensed tumblr shoelaces staff really missed out on a golden opportunity with their new merch store

tumblr is a site that, by tradition, you do not discuss using in public, let alone plaster on your body. however the subtlety of shoelaces combined with the comedy of the Bit would make that specific item worth it

@staff @officialstaff

We're exclusively selling them to the president. If you want them you'll have to get them the hard way.

my mom doesnt even appreciate my jokes which are not funny and which i am bad at telling

[telling a joke voice] so 2 guys walk into the poop store

i start telling my mom this joke all the time & i never get farther than “so 2 guys walk into the poop store. the one guy goes ‘im undercover. i need to buy some poop’” bc every time i start saying it she gets absolutely furious but it works out bc i dont actually have anything past that

somebody come up with the rest of the joke so i can tell it to my mom & invoke her truest wrath

The second guy goes, “Undercover? Sir, this stuff goes in your underwear.”

this is perfect bc initially ur like “yeah ok underwear whatever” & then a second later ur like “wait. no the fuck it doesnt” & only Then does it become hilarious. told it to my mom & she refused to even look at me

had to be there i guess

- An old Hasidic joke that my Dad likes to tell me

An old Jewish lady ducks into a church one night during a sudden rain shower. The priest comes in while she’s waiting out the rain and says, “you can’t be here, we don’t allow your kind in here.”

So the lady stands up and grabs the baby jesus statue from their nativity scene and says, “come along bubbala, you heard the man, we aren’t allowed in here”

-my grandmother’s favorite joke

@apocrypals

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer…. for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?’ Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes,’ he informed the couple, ‘You can get married in Heaven.’ ‘Great!’ said the couple. ‘But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’ St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. ‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple. ‘OH, COME ON!!!’ St. Peter shouted. ‘It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?

JEFF

I just read this out loud to my husband, a lawyer, and the face he made was DELIGHTFUL