WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr has just read the classic American novel “Moby-Dick,” by Herman Melville, and found that the book contains “no evidence whatsoever of whales,” Barr stated on Tuesday.
The Attorney General issued his statement on the absence of whales in the Melville classic in a two-paragraph book report released to the news media.
“Those who read ‘Moby-Dick’ looking for whales will be sorely disappointed,” Barr wrote. “There are no whales here.”
To illustrate his point, Barr quoted the book’s first sentence: “Call me Ishmael.”
“As you can clearly see, that sentence does not have a whale in it,” Barr wrote.
The Attorney General indicated that he hoped his report would put an end to “reckless speculation” about the existence of whales in “Moby-Dick.” “It’s time to move on,” he wrote.
Barr disclosed that, after waiting years to read “Moby-Dick,” he was able to finish reading it in approximately fifteen minutes.
There’s realism in Andy Borowitz’s satire! And Barr, talking about Dick’s!
It’s Mueller Time
The routine was always the same. President Trump’s lawyers would drive to heavily secured offices near the National Mall, surrender their cellphones, head into a windowless conference room and resume tense negotiations over whether the special counsel, Robert S. Mueller III, would interview Mr. Trump.
But Mr. Mueller was not always there. Instead, the lawyers tangled with a team of prosecutors, including a little known but formidable adversary: Andrew D. Goldstein, 44, a former Time magazine reporter who is now a lead prosecutor for Mr. Mueller in the investigation into whether the president obstructed justice.
Mr. Mueller is often portrayed as the omnipotent fact-gatherer, but it is Mr. Goldstein who has a much more involved, day-to-day role in one of the central lines of investigation.
Mr. Goldstein, the lone prosecutor in Mr. Mueller’s office who came directly from a corruption unit at the Justice Department, has conducted every major interview of the president’s advisers. He questioned Donald F. McGahn II, Mr. Trump’s former White House counsel, and Michael D. Cohen, Mr. Trump’s former fixer and lawyer, for dozens of hours. He signed Mr. Cohen’s plea agreement. He conducted grand jury questioning of associates of Roger J. Stone Jr., the former adviser to Mr. Trump who was indicted last month.
Investigations won’t end with Mueller’s report #LawAndOrder
- Goldstein’s specialty — investigating and prosecuting CORRUPTION.
- Trump Minion Jeff Sessions fired Preet Bharara, Goldstein’s former boss.
The younger Mr. Goldstein went on to graduate from Princeton and teach government at his high school alma mater, the private Pingry School in Basking Ridge, N.J. He then turned to covering national education policy and medicine at Time magazine, where in 2000 he investigated the deaths of three toddlers in government-funded day care facilities in Tennessee.
Mr. Goldstein filed the article, unsettled that he could not do more. He wanted a career that empowered him to prosecute. By 2005, he had graduated from Yale Law School, and by 2010, he was working for Mr. Bharara, who put him on some of the Southern District of New York’s biggest cases.
Investigations by the U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York:
- Campaign conspiracy and Trump Organization finances
- Inauguration funding
- Trump super PAC funding
- Foreign lobbying
Mueller needs to make an example of Manafort — by seeking the maximum sentence on each conviction. #LawAndOrder
Never forget:
- Manafort was working with former Russian GRU Intelligence Officer Konstantin Kilimnik while he was Trump’s Campaign Manager
- Manafort continued working with the Russians while he was ‘co-operating’ with the Mueller investigation. Including former Russian intelligence officer Victor Boyarkin on behalf of Russian Oligarch Oleg Deripaska
- Manafort was working with Trump’s lawyers including Rudy Giuliani while he was ‘co-operating’ with the Mueller investigation
Manafort is still bound by what he agreed to in the plea, so he will not be able to retract his guilty pleas. But the finding frees Mueller's office from its contractual obligations in the plea, like asking for a reduced sentence for him because of his cooperation.
Mueller spokesman Peter Carr declined to comment.
Manafort's lawyers have maintained that he did not intentionally lie. 😏
Another Republican gets called out by a strong woman, Judge Amy Berman Jackson.
Jackson's ruling is another stunning turn in Mueller's efforts to uncover Russian interference in the 2016 election, as the first man the special counsel indicted then pursued as a potential cooperator for a year sees the end of any benefits he tried to gain through a guilty plea.
Manafort was convicted of various financial crimes in August, and then cut the deal to plead guilty to two charges of conspiracy and witness tampering in September.
In all, Jackson determined Manafort intentionally lied about $125,000 he received for the legal bills, about another unnamed Justice Department criminal investigation and about his interactions with his longtime Russian associate Konstantin Kilimnik while he was campaign chairman and later.
Jackson noted twice in her order that two of the topics Paul Manafort lied about, Kilimnik and payments he received for his legal bills were "material to the investigation."
The demented mind of a convicted felon be like...
- Lie to get a pardon from Trump
- Continue being treasonous knowing in his mind, he’d be pardoned again
- Nothing wrong with working with his former business partner and former Russian GRU intelligence officer Konstantin Kilimnik *** “Collusion is not a crime.”, Rudy Giuliani
A newly released transcript reveals that former Trump campaign chair Paul Manafort continued working for a political client in Ukraine into 2018, after he had already been indicted in Robert Mueller's probe — and that prosecutors think Manafort may have told one lie to up his chances of a pardon.
During a sealed hearing Monday, which was held to discuss Manafort's alleged lies to the special counsel, prosecutor Andrew Weissman referred to "2018 work that he did with respect to polling in Ukraine," according to the redacted transcript.
The redacted transcript of the hearing released Thursday, which describes some of the alleged lies, is 143 pages long.
The transcript indicates that Manafort lied about interactions with former colleague Gates in regard to what a prosecutor called "an extremely sensitive matter," the nature of which is redacted.
The prosecutor told Judge Amy Berman Jackson that Manafort lied about what he had told Gates, and said Manafort lied because telling the truth would "have I think, negative consequences in terms of the other motive that Mr. Manafort could have, which is to at least augment his chances for a pardon." Only the president can pardon someone convicted of a federal crime.
"This goes, I think, very much to the heart of what the special counsel's office is investigating. And in 2016. there is an in-person meeting with someone who the government has certainly proffered to this court in the past, is understood by the FBI, assessed to be — have a relationship with Russian intelligence, that there is REDACTED. And there is an in-person meeting at an unusual time for somebody who is the campaign chairman to be spending time, and to be doing it in person," Weissman said.
Read the Washington Post who broke the story for more details.
The entire Mueller Team are Heroes 💜 #JusticeLeague
Robert S. Mueller III has indicted 33 individuals and three companies. He obtained convictions on eight counts against former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort, obtained cooperation from former national security adviser Michael Flynn and pierced Trump’s inner circle by enlisting the assistance of Michael Cohen and Allen Weisselberg.
“He has operated without fanfare or leaks. His court filings have repeatedly surprised onlookers, reminding us we know a fraction of what Mueller and his prosecutors have uncovered.”
By spinning off the campaign finance crimes involving Cohen to the Southern District of New York, he further insulated his investigation from political interference.
In performing his duties with such professionalism and ruthless efficiency, he reminds us that no matter what blather Trump, Rudolph W. Giuliani and the Fox News propagandists spew, facts and the law matter. Mueller, his prosecutorial team and the courts prove week after week that the rule of law, while battered, hasn’t been demolished under Trump.
“Roger Stone, Donald Trump Jr. and others who testified before Congress are likely to find themselves in legal peril in 2019.”
For nearly two years, we’ve seen an administration more incompetent, dishonest and lawless than any in our lifetime (including Richard M. Nixon’s). Watching Mueller operate with unparalleled competence, honesty and respect for the law should reassure us that American democracy remains battered but not broken.
For all of this we can say, well done, Mr. Mueller, and godspeed.
Trump & Friends #MuellerIsComingForYou in 2019
Time 2011: The Terrorist Hunter
Time 2018: The Traitor Hunter
Coming Soon!
While Trump yaps, Mueller is racking up convictions.
Mueller’s mini bio is worth the long read. #Patriot #Veteran #Hero #Justice #LawAndOrder #WeThePeople
Even in his own domain, Robert Mueller is often silent. When witnesses arrive at the special counsel's office in southwest Washington, they are ushered through an underground parking garage and up to an austere, windowless conference room. Mueller's prosecutors do the talking. The man in charge, if he appears at all, greets visitors with a polite handshake and then retreats to a seat against a wall.
Since becoming special counsel for the Russia probe, Mueller has spoken only through his work: in the hundreds of pages of known court filings, some of which laid out Moscow's alleged plots to help Donald Trump win the presidency; in the 34 people and entities he charged with crimes this year; in the plea deals he made with Trump's former lawyer, former campaign chairman and another top campaign aide. Beyond that: Nothing. No interviews. No press conferences. No tweets. No leaks.
So it is instructive to hear friends and former colleagues talk about Robert Swan Mueller III. Not because they portray a perfect person, but because they describe a complicated one: relentless but circumspect, impatient but thorough, difficult but respected. Mueller, they say, is the kind of man who flicks the lights off and on at his home to inform guests that it's time to leave a social gathering, and who is so keenly aware of any appearance of impropriety that he won't even enter the same room as friends who are working on the other side of the Russia case. As FBI director, he twice threatened to resign over matters of legal principle, winning the standoff both times, and was infamous for eviscerating ill-prepared underlings.
Trump and his co-conspirators don’t stand a chance
"If indicting his own mother was the right thing to do, he would do it.", former FBI assistant director Tom Fuentes
#MuellerIsComingForYou in 2019
Donnie, there is no escape!
Winning the cookie party tonight. #somuchwinning
— Shara Kaplin @iamshara
The Honorable Robert S. Mueller, III
We the People #SoMuchWinning #NotTiredOfWinning #MuellerIndictments
Trump wrote the answers himself. Really? #WeCallBS 100% Bullsh💩t
"I write the answers. My lawyers don't write answers. I write answers. I was asked a series of questions. I've answered them very easily -- very easily. I'm sure they're tripped up, because you know they like to catch people,"
— president Donald J Trump #RussiaGate #TRE45ON