The DOOM Spaniels

You're a respectable rancher in this here western territory, doing some late evening emergency fence repair, when an Outlaw Villain sneaks up from the road.

You can tell he's an Outlaw Villain by his black hat and black duster. That gives them away every time.

Oh no! Your ranch! If he gets up to Bad Guy Business here, he might rustle your cattle or mess up your fences! He's even got one of your cows!

But it turns out he's just found a lost calf that ran off through the fence you are repairing. He's trying to find its mama so it can get some supper, it looks thirsty.

You lead up the unhappy mama cow and there is a bovine reunion. The Outlaw Villain offers to help get the fence taken care of so you can go home to your own supper, and then you both head on back to the ranch for some well-deserved grub. At the end of this episode, the Outlaw Villain rides picturesquely off into the sunrise, because it's required that every Western have a shot like that.

You're a respectable chuck wagon Cookie in this here western territory, having a nice quiet evening making supper on the cattle drive, when an Outlaw Villain stalks into your camp.

You can tell he's an Outlaw Villain by his black hat and black duster. That gives them away every time.

Oh no! Your cattle! The cowboys are settling them for the night. If he gets up to Bad Guy Business here, the cattle could stampede. People could get hurt, and it would take days to round them up again. You're on a deadline, you've gotta meet the market train at the railhead.

But it turns out he's just on an urgent errand. The stagecoach asked him to ride to the nearest town and send out a spare tire, or a blacksmith with a tow buggy. He's in a hurry, so when he saw your fire, he hoped he could swap some fresh produce for a hot supper, and then move on quick. The Outlaw Villain says he bartered chopping wood for the food at a nice homestead a few days back.

He's got some root vegetables and a hot pepper, that'll add some hearty taste to your dried beans and salt-cured meat. You give him a bowl of stew, and he's gone.

You're a respectable homesteader in this here western territory, having a nice quiet sleep, when an Outlaw Villain slinks onto your porch.

You can tell he's an Outlaw Villain by his black hat and black duster. That gives them away every time.

Oh no! Your house! If he gets up to Bad Guy Business here, he could steal all your stuff and break anything he leaves behind. You're so worried about this Outlaw Villain you can see out the window, you dash downstairs wearing just your Union Suit.

But it turns out he's only been delayed on the road. He got so gosh-darn tired, he fell off his horse. He's just very politely requesting to sleep in your barn until morning. He'll even feed your chickens and collect the eggs before he moves on. Why, that's awful neighborly of him.

This episode made everybody sleepy. Good night!

You're a respectable banker in this here western territory, having a nice quiet afternoon, when an Outlaw Villain stalks into your bank.

You can tell he's an Outlaw Villain by his black hat and black duster. That gives them away every time. And he's got a mask on his face! He's in disguise!

Oh no! Your bank! If he gets up to Bad Guy Business here, he'll steal all the money and your bank will go under!

But it turns out there's a dust storm and he just needed to protect his face outside.

And the Outlaw Villain, he's just passing through town with a wagon train. He got hired on to help protect them as they pass through bandit territory. He's got part of his pay, and he wants to send it to his mother back home.

Also, now that the episode you're guest starring in is over, he admits he's a big fan of yours, and wants to get a picture with you, please.

Yvaine: *exists*

You: *feel warm, loved, and a sudden urge to offer carrots*