Amy: I’m in love with you.
Jake: We called off the prank war last night at midnight.
Amy: I know.
Jake: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-
Amy: Did you buy eggs like I asked?
Jake: Even better!
Amy: ...What did you do?
Jake, holding up a chicken: Her name is Feathers!
Amy: Jake texted me ‘your adorable’ so I texted him back and said ‘no, YOU’RE adorable.’
Rosa: And?
Amy: And now we’re dating. We’ve been on six dates and all I did was point out a typo, but I like him so I’m not gonna say anything.
Jake [after a surgery]:Did the doctor send you? Man you are eye candy! Woah. You’re the prettiest woman I’ve ever seen.
Jake:Are you a model? Who are you? What’s your name?
Amy:I’m your wife.
Jake:You’re my wife?! Holy shit! Dang. How long? Man, I hit the jackpot!
Officer: Detective, this is a crime scene!
Jake: [holding 3 tubs of ice-cream] What? Is this the murder weaPON?
Jake: [closes refrigerator door] Get oFF MY DICK!
Jake:This is my ex-fiancé, Amy.
Amy:You’ve got to stop introducing me like that.
Jake:I’m her husband.
[Drunk newlyweds Amy and Jake stumble into a McDonalds after their wedding]
Amy:LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL HUSBAND AREN'T I A LUCKY SON OF A BITCH?
Jake, menacingly:I need ALL of the chicken nuggets you have.
Amy: You can't take them all at once.
Jake: How dumb do you think I am? I'll take 'em down one by one the Die Hard way.
Jake: Anything else I should know?
Rosa: Don't get caught.
*on a hike*
Amy: Man, it's beautiful out here today. I love Mother Nature!
Jake, out of breath: MOTHER NATURE'S A WHORE!
Jake: *whispering* I really like you and I wanna kiss you lots Amy: huh? Jake: I said you suck!!
Jake: I complimented Judge Stenciler's mustache today. Gina gasps Jake: I know... She was not happy.