Random stuff

My fucking cat has figured out how to gently dig his claws into my eyelid and pull my eyes open while I'm sleeping. He does this. It does not hurt. He is remarkably precise and gentle. I however am asleep when it happens and do not appreciate being clockwork oranged by a needy clingy goddamn animal who thinks he needs attention.

I would like to clarify that this animal self feeds and is not being denied breakfast by my sleeping in. He doesn't do this to anyone else. Everyone else simply gets increasingly invasive headbutts and even thats a fairly rare occurence. This fucking cat needs to cuddle with me specifically, And he is decided that the best way to do it is to gently shove his claws underneath my eyelashes and pull. There is no way I can train him out of this because believe it or not shoving your fingers in somebody's eyes to wake them up has the desired reaction.

We have come to a compromise. One that neatly illustrates the reason I'm not wearing an eyemask.

If I have a hair tie on my wrist, my darling sweet baby boy, love of my life and apple of my eye, can gingerly dig his teeth underneath and grab it in his mouth and then back up. and pull. And Snap the hell out of me with the elastic. Again, he is very gentle and precise, there are never teeth touching my skin. This is not a fluke, he managed this several times in various circumstances and positions.

This is worse than a toddler. We are approaching diabolical machinations hitherto undreamt of by domestic felines.

Behold, Prince Shithead himself.

x

this is mind boggling levels of insane. if you've never done needlefelting you can't quite comprehend how fucking difficult it is to not only make things so precise at such a small scale but like, not get the fibers tangled into literally everything else they interact with. and then ANIMATING it??? bro this is witchcraft

woke up this morning, rolled over, and very confidently tried to blow out my alarm clock like a candle. absolutely no precedent for that.

Ebeneezer in 1742 wakes with a start as for some reason he has put out his guttering candle by slapping atop it ith the palm of his hand. His hand is burned and his nightgown and cap are spattered with hot wax.

If zombies were real, you wouldn't first be warned by the approaching horde by their smell, by their groans, not even a cloud of smoke of the dust they raise coming closer from the horizon. It would be the flies. Hordes and hordes of insects, corpse-flies laying eggs on the carcasses of people who still walk, eating the eyeballs from their sockets, climbing across their unfeeling leathery skin. And the buzzing. The inescapable, deafening buzzing. Everywhere. Like you did not just kick a hornet's nest, but the very ground you walk on was a hornet nest, and each step caused another explosion of insects.

Insects, corpse flies, the buzzing. Their swarms blacken the skies, more horrifying than their migrating meals. The deafening cacophony of constant buzzing, the horrid noise of the living who feast on the dead who feast on the living. The buzzing.

The endless, inescapable buzzing.

Hey OP, thanks for the visceral horror with my breakfast. Really pairs well with the sense of impending doom.

Thanks. I was out in the woods picking blueberries today. There were bugs.

this is for a part-time job as a barista

on an application to work the front desk of a hotel

If minimum wage you'd like to make, This ancient quiz you'll have to take.

Step right up, but be prepared. Those who fail are poverty-snared. Question One! If your labor proves most fruitful, Raking quarters by the bootful, Who should excess profits reap, Me the wolf or you the sheep? Question Two! If, by merit, you're made pope, What will be your fervent hope? Law and order justly paired? Or mercy and the guilty spared?

Question Three! If a train should leave Topeka Driven by a solar squeaker, How then should the cat behave? Give it milk or give it grave? Question Four! Do you have a criminal record?

scansion:

metrical form: tetrameter, sometimes iambic and sometimes trochaic. the "question one/two/three/four" refrain between quatrains is a cretic monometer line.

rhyme scheme: AABB quatrains; the final quatrain ends abruptly after a single line.

other notes: quatrains two and four have a shift from feminine line-endings in the first half of the quatrain, to masculine line-endings in the second half of the quatrain.

recently we were out on a hilltop taking photos of the comet and suddenly some car's headlights blind us from across the bay. literally four miles away.

who the fuck is out here with these nuclear fusion powered headlights. who puts naval searchlights on their fucking toyota tacoma.

Sodus Point, east of Rochester, NY

mystery solved

oh someone at the guardian has lost the will to live

christ (source)

does anyone wanna hold hands until we feel a little braver

the reblog map is all of us holding hands btw

We are each other's night sky. No one is alone here.

“If I had time travel I’d kill Hitler” “If I had time travel I’d stop my favourite politician getting assassinated” you’re all thinking way too small. If I had time travel I’d stop Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin from dying on the moon due to Soviet sabotage, kicking off the Great Nuclear War and devastating half of the planet.

Good Job.

#this post gets me every time 

It’s from two days ago fam how many times could there have been

do you think no one else has time travel

Happy one month anniversary to this post that has not allowed me a single day of fucking peace since I made it.

#surprise reblog!! 

STOP IT’S BEEN MONTHS. MONTHS!

YOU CAN STOP.

wow if only you had a time machine

Honestly having reached a billion notes I think it’s safe to say that in the Year of our lord 2041, this is the most popular tumblr post out there.

I’m killing your parents before you’re born

Ummmmm

Hooow? I think the matrix messed up

cc( . )_) Quite the interesting conundrum.

Waiting for @bettinalevyisdetermined to pick this up

THE WAY SHE POSED AFTERWARDS HFKFBDK

My artistic rendition:

It's cold enough tonight that for the first time since April, Arson and Larceny are back in the house. I'm enjoying all their little settling-in noises as they get their nest in order.

Meanwhile, I've opened the aviary proper up for Malice and Vice to access through the catio, and they're out there horking down grass in the dark like a couple of vampiric cows. Nobody tell them they're obligate carnivores.

I love how you have all these unhinged pet names and then there's just...April.

Bad news. I meant April as in the month.

Arson and Larceny have had a number of babies, named Forgery, Fraud, Embezzlement, Joyriding, Jaywalking, Vehicular Manslaughter (Vikki for short), Truancy, and Viola Butters (Violation of the Adulteration of Butter Act, for long.)

Ah, this post is leaving orbit, so let me clarify to those that aren't following me and therefore know this already: Malice and Vice are cats.

Arson and Larceny (and the rest of their progeny/crime syndicate) are doves.

That's Larceny's baby girl Viola Butters. He's a married man but he was a single dad for that child. Arson laid the egg and left him to do the rest of the work.

i paint. and because someone told me that another student wanted to get his portrait done i approached this man who i have barely exchanged two sentences before and said "i heard you want to get painted. i'll do it for 500"

and it took as two very confusing and exparating minutes of haggling about the price and outlining the logistics of said painting during which i said sentences like "you can be naked if you want but that would be extra" and "what do you mean why would you pay me. i do all the work?" while he got increasingly more flushed until i put my foot down and said "well if you want to be painted baroque style that's gonna cost some money" and he said "oh my god PAINTED. that makes a lot more sense."

turns out he misheard me and thought a stranger. a random person. came up to him in the middle of the lecture hall in front of god and everyone and loudly and confidently said "i heard you want get pegged." and then got mad at his refusal to pay half a grand for it. can you fucking imagine

Kneesvember Day 7

lil magma doodle

Hey! My name is Anloartreduster, and here is my first post. This drawing is of a seagull I found a year ago in a part I often visit.

I have a deep appreciation for every person who posts lists and articles with the theme "Why you shouldn't get X as a pet" where X is everything from exotics to cats and dogs.

Often these articles, especially the ones for cats and dogs, garner terrible comments from people defending their pets as if the article is an insult or threat. The articles aren't for them though.

They're for me. And people like me.

I would be a terrible pet owner. I dislike extra mess (e.g., food tossed about, shed hair, droppings), hassle (e.g., multiple hours required daily interaction, protecting cords and cables from chewing, daily walks) and additional chores (e.g., litter boxes, vomit clean up, aquarium cleaning).

Occasionally, though, I get this little urge saying Wouldn't it be nice to have something else sentient in your apartment....?

And I'll start browsing adoption websites or small breeder sites or upcoming conventions or shelters or however the pet in question is acquired. I'll read through care instructions, make a budget, and think I could do that...

But then, some tiny part of me, too quiet to be heard over the growing momentum of pet pet pet directs my fingers to hunt for the 'why you shouldn't' articles, because there will be one. There's always inevitably one published on a pet store website, hidden in a forum, shared on reddit, hosted by a veterinarian--someone has compiled all the reasons why the pet is a bad idea.

So I find it. And I read it. And then I toss my budget away. And I close all my related tabs. And I let go of the thought entirely. Crisis averted.

Because, occasional impulse aside, I don't want a pet. I just need a reality check from time to time.

it’s important to remember that love doesn’t equal energy. loving your pet doesn’t mean you will have the energy to do what it requires, the mental stamina, or that it’s a good fit for your lifestyle. i don’t have a bird right now despite loving them for these reasons