Hi! I am not Aro-spec, but I am Demisexual and only figured out that I’m biromantic when I was 25.  I also had the dreams.  To be more specific about the dreams and provide a comparison: at one point, I had a dream I had about a guy I felt I could make a life with (but who didn’t feel the same way).  In that dream, we were grocery shopping.  That’s it.  It was a pleasant and bubbly experience.  It was domestic.

The dream I had about a girl (who I was kind of crushing on but didn’t realize it) involved a casual date in a park (mind you that is the same kind of first date I had with my boyfriend).  When I woke up, I didn’t remember if we’d kissed in the dream (I don’t often dream actual contact of any kind), but I did remember that she wanted to take the (previously undefined) relationship in that dream to the next level and I hadn’t been interested.  But, our time together in the dream had felt so great, and I had really enjoyed getting closer to her emotionally.

That dream had me reeling.  I was in the middle of a major exam prep, and suddenly as a 25 year old I was questioning whether I’m bi.  It wasn’t hard to admit there was something to this, but the question was what exactly.  Which I think is where you’re at now.

It took months for me to fully process it and figure out whether it meant I am bi or not.  Here are the things/questions that made that clear for me:

- I’ve seen posts where wlw struggle to figure out if they want to be like someone, want to be that person’s friend, or like them romantically.  So I knew I had to try to make this distinction - is this just admiration?  The answer in this case was no - there are similar people who I admire, but this is a different feeling: an attraction to the person and desire for closeness to them.  Warm and fuzzy.

- I could identify times throughout my life where I’ve been similarly attracted to a girl; I just didn’t think of it as romantic at the time.  There have always been girls I thought were cute (the same adjective I use for guys who I think are attractive), since 1st grade (which is when I had my first crush on a guy), and I’ve always flocked to certain personality traits.  ((un)fortunately, my aesthetic is apparently manic pixie dream girls.) One of these girls (in high school) actually caused me to question at the time when the attraction happened - for like an hour- before I just dismissed it as admiration.  

- Don’t dismiss your romantic attraction just because it isn’t accompanied by sexual attraction.  That doesn’t erase the romantic attraction.

An important thing no one will probably tell you: you can be biromantic without being bisexual.  A biromantic Ace person isn’t any less bi despite not being sexually attracted to the same gender.  Likewise, as an Aspec individual, even if you are not or have not yet been sexually attracted to a girl, that doesn’t erase your romantic attraction to them.  

I am biromantic demi-heterosexual.  I have experienced romantic attraction to guys and gals, but only have sexual attraction to guys.  As a demi, that only happens after bonding with and thus becoming attracted to the person.  It truly could be that I am capable of forming that attraction with a girl also, but simply have never built up that kind of bond for it to happen.  But afaik, totally Ace towards girls - it even took me a long time to get comfortable with my *own* body growing up because of my OCD.  That doesn’t change the romantic attractions I’ve had to them at the same timing and levels as with guys, despite not realizing at the time that it was the same thing since I didn’t know that was a possibility growing up.

Bonus:  Weird thing is, I usually end up bringing up girls that I notice in casual conversation with my (politically liberal but religiously conservative) mom, and it has never registered to either of us as weird or non-hetero.  (She would be the kind to cry and pray for me and try to “fix” me somehow - they believe that people become LGBTQ as the result of abuse.)  It wasn’t until I stopped to think about it that I realized how often I’ve actually been attracted to girls.  And that I have a type!  I don’t have a type when it comes to guys.  (When it comes to aesthetic attraction there’s a range maybe, but that doesn’t affect the sexual attraction part.)  It’s so weird that while being only romantically attracted to girls I have an aesthetic type, but while being both romantically and demisexually attracted to guys I do not really have a type.

This is my experience, but I hope it is helpful in your journey to self discovery.

If you are comfortable running your experience by a close friend, they should be able to tell you if they think it’s bi.  Their response does not define you, but it can be enlightening.  I did this during that questioning period (1st person I ever “came out” to in that sense), and when I sort of asked if she thought the dream and my feeling about it means anything, she said that she’s never wanted anything with a girl - so yes.  That may seem common sense, but no - hearing it from someone makes a difference.  (I saw a post where someone’s (clearly Allo) grandma apparently didn’t realize that most women don’t look at other women’s butts - and realized in her 60′s that she was bi once her granddaughter pointed out that no, she and most other women do not look at each other’s butts, lol.)

- Mod K-P

Yes, you can! That's exactly what you have described that you experience, and you are not alone. Besides you and I, I've met several other people online who feel the same way (although the genders vary).(And in general, for everyone reading, if you experience something, then yes, you are the testament to the fact that it is possible. Don't let anyone invalidate your experience).

I'm using the terms bi and pan interchangeably here, since most of the resources on this subject use "bi".

Allo Bi people are both Biromantic and Bisexual.

There are also Biromantic Ace people. The lack of sexual attraction does not change the fact that they are Biromantic.

Now, in the Bi/Pan community generally, it is common that people experience attraction to each gender in different degrees. The existence of the Kinsey scale (0 only hetero attraction, and 6/7 being only homo attraction) shows just how widely this can vary. Attraction is very individual/personal.

When it comes to Bi/Pan Aspecs, there is just as much variety in how we experience attraction to each gender. That variety includes whether sexual attraction develops at all.

Understanding what it means to be Aspec includes understanding that sexual and romantic attraction are separate things that develop separately. Whether one is Gray or Demi, one can experience romantic attraction to someone and never experience sexual attraction to them, regardless of their romantic orientation.

If you've experienced romantic attraction to someone, regardless of their gender, and didn't end up experiencing sexual attraction to them, that does not erase or invalidate the romantic attraction. That is what Bi Aces experience. Even if you never experience sexual attraction along with your romantic attraction to certain genders. As a Gray or Demi person, your experience or lack thereof of the sexual attraction varies.

As for labels, tri-labels are wonderful! Although they are not widely in use yet, some groups already use tri-labels, such as oriented Aro Aces.

Bi Aspecs are another group where tri-labels can help make sense of our identities.

So for you or I, being Demi and having had romantic attraction to more than one gender but only having had sexual attraction to the opposite gender, can identify as:

Or any other way of saying the three.

An Aspec person who is romantically attracted to other genders but only sexually attracted to the same gender could be:

Etc.

Some people who feel this way may also choose to identify as Graysexual for simplification (and sadly, for acceptance):

But being Demi is different from being Gray, so you should use the labels which fit you. (Graysexual people rarely experience sexual attraction, but that doesn't include particular prerequisites. Demisexual people only feel sexual attraction after a bond is formed with a person, but that can happen as rarely or as often as that person forms these bonds.)

The order or hyphenating of the words can be whatever feels more comfortable to you.

Don't let anyone invalidate your romantic attraction because it isn't accompanied by sexual attraction. That is the same "discourse" of invalidating Asexuality in general.

The fact that it isn't the same for all genders is part of how your sexual attraction varies as an Aspec person and how attraction varies between genders for all Bi/Pan people.

Seeing asks like yours helps other Aspecs who experience attraction differently to know that they are not alone and that their romantic attraction is valid. ❤️

- Mod KP

Hi! So, first off, it's totally normal to not want to date for a while after a breakup. And it's also normal to want to date soon after. Breakups are tough, and everyone handles them differently, and that's totally fine!

So I'm decidedly demi-panromantic asexual. I started dating my first partner when I was 18ish. Since my partner was a guy, I just always went along with the idea that I was "straight". At this time I secretly questioned it though, because well... it didn't seem quite right, you know? I was familiar with the ace label, and thought it fit, but was closeted at the time. Well, basically I let people assume I was straight even though I wasn't sure. But during that relationship, I developed a MASSIVE crush on my best friend, a girl. (I also accepted later that I'm polyamorous, though it's not too important here.) I had a talk with myself and decided that the gender of my partners had no bearing on my romantic attraction to them; it was their personalities that I loved.

SO! In conclusion, YES! It is totally normal to think one thing about yourself, then find new experiences that change your personal understanding! In life we are constantly growing and discovering things. It is very good to ask yourself questions, and try new things, and figure out what works for you.

Hope this helps!

-Mod Rosie