Call it the way I see it!

So just to summarize,

Now they flee Buck and then come back, I'm guessing that's progress?

And even though Eddie talked about how bad it is to date a rescue, he's going to date Marisol.

I give up 🤦‍♀️

So this one is a little personal post, that I will probably make invisible in the morning, but I have no where else to post it, since my family is all over sm and they are nosy and judgmental.

Don't get me wrong, I love them, but they are not the best of cheerleaders.

When I was about eleven, my grandmother saw a picture of me and my sisters holding a baby crocodile. It was a sweet picture of all her grandchildren in one frame, but what she saw was the redness from the popsicle I had on my lips and noted, out loud, how pretty I look wearing lipstick.

It's not something you want to tell a ,barely past the age of ten, child.

If it was a one off, I'd probably would have let it go, but it wasn't, for every year ever since I have heard my grandmother tell me how much better I would look with makeup, how much it is attractive, that I should not let myself go.

And I would always be offended and take to heart, to the point I would not go to my grandparents' house without wearing makeup.

Up until a couple of years ago, when I finally started therapy and learned to love myself as I am.

It was always about, how I look and what I'm wearing and whether I dyed my hair or wore earrings, I was taught that in order for others to like me I have to present a person that I'm not. A doll to admire and love.

Therapy helped me stand up, look my grandmother in the eye, and tell her that I am just as pretty in a natural look. Just wearing my own face.

Over time, my grandmother's comments about makeup and hair and weight turned into funny little anecdotes. My sisters and I tell each other after our latest adventure at my grandparents' house.

Today, my sister came back from visiting our grandmother and told me and my mom about how she told her that she looks naked in her body colored tights, how her feet smell (after a long day at work), how she got fat and how her friend that accompanied her is not thin at all.

My mom said that my sister doesn't take it to heart, and we both said that after years of growing accustomed to getting nothing but criticism from our loved ones, we all just take it in stride now and take it with humor. And I added just like I learned to not let the "You look better wearing makeup" comment get to me anymore.

That got my mom to turn on me and say in the most judgmental way, "How can you be two years in therapy and not learn to forgive?"

I said that just because I forgave doesn't mean I forget. Some things are just not easy to scrape off and get rid of. I forgave, I let it go when it comes up, but these little comments shaped my whole life, making me think I'm never going to be good enough as I am.

This turned into a whole sermon about me not letting shit go, and others just want the best for me and led to talking about how me thinking that wishing me nothing but a husband and a child (and nothing else) for my own birthday is a bad thing and my mother saying that I'm taking this the wrong way and what's so bad about that?

And it all went downhill from there. In the end, the fun vibe ebbed away, and I got left with a crappy feeling, and only hours later did I realize again that somehow my old wounds turned to be about my mother and how she's feeling and how I'm not allowed to feel anything that is not aligned with her way of thinking.

And how she made me the bad person in the situation when this was never about her.

Don't let toxic ppl tell you how to feel. Don't let them dictate you what to remember, what to forget, what to forgive, or which feelings to hold onto.

Narcissistic people will always find a way to make your life about them, don't let them.

You are strong, you're beautiful, you're smart, you're creative, you're loved and you're loving.

And you are everything else you want to be.

People of the fandom, I say this with love, ya'll are drama queens.

You need to relax.

Also there was talk about Ryan and Kenneth playing table tennis - someone please provide me with a vid/pic. Edit: Thank you @claire-nyc for posting it for me, you're the best ❤

Now I'm off to eat chocolate cake and write buddie smut.

Have a happy and RELAXED Saturday. 💕