I've been an absolute emotional rollercoaster recently. The other day I worked for hours on my PC and when I realised my current monitor didn't have the correct ports, I had a bit of a breakdown. It wasn't even about the situation, but rather the straw that broke the camel's back, and boy was it a comedown. I went into a near-catatonic state where I lay in bed in the dark and refused to talk or do anything that involved sound. I didn't even feel real at the time, I just felt like I had disappeared. I had a really weird sleep pattern that night and ended up waking up at half four feeling better but in pain.
The pain led to be wanting to be dead, again, that night, because it felt as if even when I wasn't in emotional pain, I was in physical. I took a few too many ibuprofen tablets and went to bed.
Today has been different. I've had my down periods but I've felt fairly uplifted today. Not normal, I wouldn't say. I've felt kinda half-there and at one point spent a while considering the merits of hard drugs and how if they left me in this state I'd consider taking them (my rational side knows of the negatives of drugs, but whatever). Now, idk. We'll see.
